It was in the kitchen that he kissed her;
the still life day alive: startled shadows,
smouldering in smattering and flirtation,
shifted into play on clay, on wicker, wood and wall;
light stunts swept and slid over all
surfaces of clear glass, liquid, silver
to spark in crystal of blue eyes.
Stirred by senses, pitched, but rounded
by full fragrances of herbs and spices,
eternal moments stretched pure happiness that lingered:
a soft ray, tingling down her spine ...
Gripped by the golden glow of a first kiss
-- unforeseen, but yearned for --
and spellbound by slow, sensual spirals, she inhaled
crimson swirls of wine in goblets,
warmed by saffron strokes of sunlight.
As butter softened into hot, homemade bread,
her sweet breath met his tantalizing, lazy whisper:
Soen my, Liefling* ...
Pressed in her hands, vanilla pods
dropped from her grip ... pod by pod
aroma turned shiver ...
*Kiss me, Darling
In a list
A contest entry
- Response to still life Allpoetry. Sponsored by Winklings. #90. by Lyndon.
6000 points, ended June 26, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 65 of 65
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Vers libre with sophistication
of the poetic line is quite evident as it is not so in many other poems on site.
Having said that, the poem invites one to explore it as one does that of the laureates. Line four is simply beautiful with two assonantal (actually internally rhymed) nouns followed by an alliterative triplet of nouns: "shifted into play on clay, on wicker, wood and wall". The devices of sound are not ornamental here but sound in meaning, association and rhythm. The eyes have it - they smoulder and sparkle but there is no gradation to this second, human response. Twenty nouns or pronouns appear in sentence one and, on reading aloud, I found the clutter palpable as I progressed in reading it aloud.
"fresh, fruity fragrances" gives me the impression, poet, of straining for alliterative effect. I feel that dropping one word would improve your poem's fluency. Say, "fresh fragrances". Also, spices and herbs are not always fruity at all but can be fragrant with ease!
There is a syntactical problem here: the nouns or nominative pronouns are not clearly related to past participles, thus rendering a non-sentence: 'senses', 'fragrances', 'moments' are objective case so that the only verb in an independent sentence is "astir" which is quite unrelated to these.
The lines, "As butter softened ..." and "her sweet breath ..." are lines better written together and they should be unattached to the stanza above them.
I do think the whole concept held within this poem, the imagery and imagination behind it, too, are worthy of
serious thought as to a highly proficient effort for offline prizes and publication. This site, generally, does not allow time for great poetry to emerge with the fast turnover of popular contests and the grab for trophies ~ values I in no way attribute to you, poet, in this very fine poem.
Lyndon of the Winklings.
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I have edited some phrasings ...
and I think there was an overall improvement to this poem. Thank you, Poet. -
Thank you, Judge Poet.
I am peacefully and grateful.
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I was completely enchanted with your first stanza which kept me rapt throughout the rest of this beautifully graceful and elegant verse.
You play with words and mold them like clay using alliteration and assonance as modeling tools. They sculpt this piece to perfection.
And there, frozen by the glow of a first kiss, you find the wine, the towering of true love left limitless in this painting... Ahhh so softly expressed ...
...and that ending left me in complete bliss - shivering too.
Bravo Poet for a stunning and amazing entry. Best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela
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I am truly amazed at where you took this still life, yet another hopeless romantic! This was a real pleasure to read. Bill
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leaves me breathless. Such a tender and passionate write. "...a soft ray tingling down her spine..." such sublime phrasing. Flawless in its depiction. Excellent!!
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Wow, I'm impressed, and thats not very easy to do. I see why your on the top of the list with so many applauds this week! You did a fabulous job at writing this poem and I hope you are proud of your work. Keep it up!
--Tim
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Shiver me timbers..... I couldn't have said it better.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
well said
your ability to write the essence is beyond awe
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fantasies / lol
ahhh if love were only as poetic as this. REALITY speaks to me in sweat, heavy exertion on borders of death and dissappointment 7 minutes later, wondering whats on the tv. the familiar becomes contemptuos as eyes rove to new hopes of another conquest to be soon forgotten, as the woman once sharing my sheets picked my pocket. while I was bathing alone. / donnz...lol -
You feel along with participants
"Frozen by the golden glow of a first kiss
-- unforeseen, but yearned for"
You can feel the tension of desire explode as lips connect! Well done!
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This is very creative. You do good work. Shancy.
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Its a very smooth-running poem, keeping me going from line to line with no interuptions of thoughts. I was driven by your words to a another world. I really like it!
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kimmyuluv
very nice piece. -
quite romantic and full of imagery. this was a delight to read. you've penned a wonderful piece.
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This is quite good, and quite frankly one of the best technical poems I've read on Allpoetry.
"
light stunts -- swept and slid over all
surfaces of clear glass, liquid, silver --"
At this point there are too many nouns; the best wordplay with this kind of style was in L4, the poem's best rhythmical line. Also, imo, this could be the place to ground the image of smouldering shadows (without the grounding, the abstraction do not become an image to envision). Try expand upon the idea, and lead it smoothly on to "a soft ray tingled down her spine". At the moment, that line sorts of hang in thin air and seems to be a result of the author not delving long enough on the idea of the "shadows".
Now problems begin to arise, in terms of syntax:
"Astir by senses
pitched, yet rounded by fragrances
of fruit and spices, she floated on slow spirals
and crimson swirls of wine in goblets,
heated by sun's saffron strokes."
The two dependent clauses at the beginning takes away from the power of the independent clause when it comes. The rhythm is also so varying that it trips the tongue in those clauses. The independent clause is much better in terms of sound, and I like that it tries to reach beyond ordinary imagery, but the image needs to be grounded more. What are "the slow spirals"? How can the wine in goblets swirl (does the wine spill in her hand while she dance?--if so, that needs to be made clearer), and how can she float in it? Also,
Maybe:
She spun in slow circles, when wine
spilled from her goblet glimmering
in sun's saffron threads
Except that, good ending. You might want to rethink the dots and "Ah", though; when it comes to the latter, it does not fit the mood of the poem and comes out of the blue. I know it adds a stressed syllable to the poem, but in contemporary poetry, that needs to be done in more normal ways.
You might want to try poetry sites as Eratosphere and Gazebo, and test your skills there. I see a lot of potential in this, and give you this constructive comment because I think you are one of the few here who can handle it.
Best regards,
Sestos -
wow thats realy good i was supprised
the name just doesnt realy fit but it works great work could you stop by my page and read one of my poems then tell me what you think p-l-e-a-s-e
thank you for sharing love your veiwer
kathy
aka
chicka16
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I could read this one every day
and still find something new inside it to enjoy!
I loved how you put the butter and bread into your
poem...made me hungry and fascinated by her beauty!
way to write!
ears/Seattle -
awesome
very vivid imagery..
swell.
great read.
well written.
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wonderful romantacism and imagery in this piece!
I truly enjoyed reading this.
Thank you
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YES!!!
This entry is the most creative one yet! Your beautiful masterpiece flies high and serenely reaches the kalaidescopic sky, leaving a trail of beauty in its wake... This is so unique that I enjoyed the reading experience several times... Such wonderful imagery and excellent use of metaphor!! I wish you the best of luck in this contest - your stunning poem, "A Kitchen and a Kiss" is a hands-down winner!!! Peace, Cyn
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Wonderful!
The most delicious item among the delicious dishes in the kitchen! Other delicacies only nourish our body but this rare delicacy which nourish our mind and soul we cherish till the end of our life. Exceptionally brilliant piece of poetry I enjoyed enormously.
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The imagery, the way its arranged. This is spot on, it made me recall my first kiss, and some that have actually taken place in a kitchen! Best of luck in the contest, thank you for this pleasurable read.
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as I recall, I too, like the character here was frozen for my first kiss, unmoving. the picture that has been painted here is quite pronounced and is displayed upon the mind clearly. perhaps differently to different people, but still... i love the inclusion of all the details in the kitchen and the comparison of sensations with same. creative indeed. i wish you luck in this contest, dear poet. pen on.
~m~
by the way, the formation of lines draws the mind into the poem. i found it highly intriguing
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Excellent
Indeed, a very fine write, I enjoyed the imagery which you created. Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
beautiful
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Great!
It's wonderful, I love it. I had my friend over my shoulder while reading it, and she said, "Wow~ I wish I could write that good" xD <3
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very good!!! from the title on through...
yep. Always loved the kitchen...love it even more now. Great idea/theme expressed with beauty and elegance. Well-done. Congrats, Mat
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thishas some wonderful imagery i really like the last few lines, good stuff and the best of luck to you in the contest
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Absolutely stunning...
wow, this is an ABSOLUTELY STUNNING piece of work that is filled with power, pictures, feelings, awe and love. NOTHING needs doing here! It's an entire mouthwatering film all by itself (or in the least, a most powerful opening scene, for sure!)...quite well written with oodles of talent...seems like u really enjoyed writing this...thanx for the wonderful ride and this is surely a winner...whew! All the best to you.
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I do believe this is some of the most amazing imagery I have ever seen. My favorites "sparked in crystal of blue eyes" and "crimson swirls of wine in goblets" and the last line was amazing too. I love this
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Beautiful love poem. A fantastic read and flow of words. May you do well in the contest.
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What a wonderfull poem! it was so delightful to read, and very sweet! Good luck in the contest!!!
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Wow, this is very creative indeed! I was mesmerized by your words that you have written! You are very captivating. Thank you for sharing, & good luck in the contest! In Love & Light... Blessed Be! ~~Iridessa MoonFlower~~
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beautiful still life.....
truly lovely to read and enjoy!
your words were very delicate as you revealed this
still life moment.
well done, the flow and pace was brillant!
ears/seattle
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Lovely, soft and warm, dear one, this poem melts in my mouth like the best chocolate. Your attention to image and the senses makes this moment clear and memorable. Best of luck - this is great.
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I enjoyed this escapism into a kitchen and a kiss, the slow spirals compounded the sense of bliss and the descriptiveness was wonderful. Bravolicous poetry!
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I love this write.. and usualy I have lots to say about a person's poetry... but I'm speachless... the one thing I can say is you must love your punctuation!!!
Great write, keep up the great penning!!
~*Cristy*~ -
Admittedly, it is only recently that I have been introduced to poetry, but this is one of the most interesting poems I've ever seen! Simply riddled with enjambment, perfect and varied punctuation, and the imagery supplied is unfaultable! However, I'm not sure I understand the line, "Soen my, my liefling", other than that I thought it was brilliant!
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A still life in itself, filled with motion and emotion, a much fuller picture than any artist can paint.
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Really good use of punctuation in this one
nice work
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This is lovely, richly descriptive and aromatic, text is textural as well. I liked best that the kiss was /unforeseen but yearned for/, that element of surprise that tingled down her spine a frisson of pleasure in the middle of all the pleasing objects. I liked the slow /pod by pod/ and the beauty of the ending.
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wow, lushh, yeah this is a wonderful feast of the senses here the magic created through the imagery and vocab is wonderful, as the contrast of the busy story ending with that simple yet o sow beautiful ending,
anyheys much love
w chai and cookies
-jas
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A lovely write that you drg the reader into into the smells, sights, and feelings of the innocense and power of a first kiss. The wordin is quite well in both its discriptions and placement nice job and good luck in your contest
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HMMMMMMMM
Actually, this is one of the strangest forms of poetry I've ever seen. And that's a compliment, I'm not trying to be rude at all! Brilliant vocabulary, with superb imagery to boot. Definetely a perfect piece for the creative thinking contest. I love how you for sure think outside of the box! We have that in common!
POETDONTKNOWIT
WRITING IT HER WAY
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Oh, such wonderful sensations, compelling and strong. I love the idea of the first kiss in the kitchen. fruit, spices, saffron swirls and baking bread, all those things are so sensuous. Mixture of pashion and food. (Oscar Wilde would be proud)
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Wow
I am at a loss for words. Which is a good thing.
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Beautiful! Imagery is fantastic - I love first kisses...
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This one reminds me about... my own kitchen kisses...lol
as always it was my special pleasure to read your poetry.
~Sonja~
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BEAUTIFUL!!!!! IMAGERY AND SENSUALITY!!! I LOVED IT !!!
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ahhh that first kiss, a memorable experience that leaves an afterglow for years to come. This piece is so sensual, full of the light/dark and colour of passion. I like the surrender where all slips from her hands.
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Myra
You should be doing classes for those learning formatting for impact!
Beautiful poem didn't hurt.
Now I want something from the oven that I can put a shmeer of butter on!
Regards,
John-Las Vegas, Nevada
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imagery here...like borrowing from an experience to produce a new experience...tactile and sensory... aromas, touches, intensity... so very well blended ...a remarkable writing ...PK
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I have been away a good while; It is so good to read your work again. Come see my "Old Grey wolf and Half moon Owl!" I also posted a satire on atheists tonite. Its my bed time here...
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Aha, so you are home! Is it dawn yet? I loved the butter in home made bread. I don't understand vanilla pods...
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one of the best poems i've read all week. Your talent is refreshing and always a pleasure to read. Love, Lane
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Powerfully told story of love...
Love in the heat of the fragrant kitchen, the best kind of romance there is!!! Fantastic use of metaphor, along with excellent imagery and even a hint of fresh herb and a dash of spice!!! Of course, how could I have left out the two heaping tablespoons of sugar?!!? Best of luck to you in this contest, and write on, bake on, Poetess!!! Peace, Cyn
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Ah, I can smell the vanilla, spices, fresh bread; I smell it all as I am in awe of your poetic prowess dear, simply stunning, and all the best in the contest.
Love and peace always,
mj.
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i would kiss you in the kitchen anytime , but not too much garlic ok , xx good luck
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your writing never cease to amaze me. You can write about anything, I wish you luck in the contest.
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What a beautiful poem! You have captured the very essence of that moment when love begins. If only I could write like this... teach me please. I'd say you have the gold wrapped up in the warmth of your words.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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Delightful. You have captured this so well, the first kiss, the feeling as exemplified by the setting, the metaphor winding through it all. You hit each note perfectly. A flawless symphony of words. True inspiration.
Garrison
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This is beautiful and filled with the imagery that you are so good at creating. Yup! Ya gotta watch out for those Kitchen Kisses.
Love,
Amera
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wow! powerful and true. intense, talented write.
i especially love these lines "shifted into play on clay, on wicker, wood and wall;
light stunts -- swept and slid over all"
but then again, i love the whole poem and all its completeness! you are so very talented! such a moving piece/
blessings. stomps!
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Simply stunning Love, Chez
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