Dawn, a measure in time
that pulsates in
endless cadence
to rise and expand
with each breath you take
and for all things, it is
a creation that springs
forth a wanting, a passion
such delight that yearns
no more yet growth to reach out
and shine it's measured
schedule of life.
Gather this delight
for within each
there is a time to sleep
while it's fleeting arch
moves on to gather it's delight
so that it may shine again
and expel it bountyful breath
on you and yours.
Terry
A contest entry
- favourite things PIF by Nicolette.
1200 points, ended June 1, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
any feed back is always helpful
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Very beautiful piece. such imagery!
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Beautiful!
I loved the imagery of this poem. I felt I was there...in the moment. Well done
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Many thanks
I am very grateful for your comments and apologise for not getting back to you sooner. Regards
terry
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I liked the pulsing, breathing dawn, the creation that calls forth wanting and expelling its bounty on you and yours,
Marlene -
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Thank you
I must thank you for your comments and apologise for not doing this sooner. I will certainly take some time to review your work too.
Regards
terry
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"Gather this delight" - yes, dawn is a delight, like time, like love and we should gather it with both arms. A lovely poem - and yes, you can write about just one of my favourite things (that is actually what I wanted - so your poem is just right, Terry).
I liked the spiritual qualities of this poem too and the way it links to creation, to new awakenings. Please just note that I've counted 89 words and the contest has a 45 word limit. There is still lots of time to edit.
Thank you for this entry.
~ Nicolette
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Thank you
Thank you for your comments and I do apologise for not replying sooner. As you can see I didn't change anything but then I tend not too anyway but as one of my favorite writers I welcome the time you gave to my work.
Regards
terry
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category and poem needs to be strictly alligning a little more
I think the judge expands 'I would like to read poems inspired by
three of my favorite things' to not imply one or more, but each. her example win included everything from last competition I believe. you might check if you're unsure, whether selection or entirety is to be written on; thus 'orchard' and 'white linen' is for consideration also or elimination as it appears you have.
regarding what you did, you're over word count around the first period. I know I initially caught '45 words or less' with a run seeing it as lines requirement.
saying that, I don't know whether to review for contest's stand outs because work's to be done plus or minus. but if you just keep this aside and start over, then I'd like you to know your first five lines come well handed.
Too, I think you pieced in the phrasing of harmony within "no more yet growth to reach out
and shine it's measured
schedule of life." 15-19 were also striking with a wonderful throw of the arms sounded through mouth on a cheerful walk or way with conducive diurnal lane.
nice parts but needs to be condensed or new work for competition,
babies are my subject -
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Unusual
I have just read three of your works and have to say how wonderful I found them. The mere fact that you write about such natural happenings is as I said unusual and profound. As a man I hope that more men will read your work so that they might gain some understanding of the wonders of which you write because there is nothing more splendid.
Very heartfelt and emotional.
Terry -
Thank you
Thanks you for your comments and the time you took to respond and advise me about this piece. I will certainly take some time to review your work and once again apologise for my delay in responding.
Regards
terry
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