metallic, mindless, i search for a field
to learn earth like a butterfly or bee.
i yearn for an oak trees rippling shield
to pick fruit, learning love, a weight in me.
in society i’m stuck, a window
a glass eye, lacking cornea and art.
i’ve heard of that never-ending meadow
i hear rebirth, the quickly beating heart.
truth is a waterfall, drowning all hope
my lungs have collapsed in its hurried tears
in attempt to concur without a rope.
we are motherless now and it appears
to rest in blissful blowing grass, means death
hopeful ones search for fields, release your breath.
Author notes
sonnet without meter,
well there is ten syllables in each line.
ababcdcdefefgg rhyme scheme.
give me something that isn't fluffy.
peace to all ~flight
http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2343323
honesty
Comments
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-on the contest page: sonnet. You don't have to use meter, because I personally cannot do it, but I do expect a 10 syllable, abab, cdcd, efef, gg, Shakespearean style sonnet. Only one sonnet.
-my lungs have collapsed, multiple times, beneath it’s hurried tears
its
well done.
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oh my goodness. you just saved my ass.
phew.
peace to all ~flight
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The ending makes me more sense now. :]
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good. thanks.
peace to all ~flight
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i really liked it until the very end - the last two lines totally threw me off -- like i didnt think that's where you were going. not that there isn't anything wrong with a twist, but it just felt out of place to me. [this is likely because i did not understand it].
the use of 'star' seemed random to me, considering there was no astronomical theme throughout the poem.
The cutting necks concept seemed -- I don't know, that is the particular detail that threw me off.
Maybe if you tell me what it means, my opinion would change.
But other than that, great stuff.
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i redid the ending, it's better now i think.
peace to all ~flight
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