i want to learn to be happy
i want to learn to be free
i want to learn to finally be me
to be able to be alone
the reaping of all thats been sown
the truth is in silence i have never flown
this is to be my test
to rise to the challenging, lonely quest
i must give it my all, my absolute best
not sure how i will cope
solitude being my only hope
i am done being the only one to mope
at last i an willing to learn
my own trust i will work to earn
if not in the end i will burn
i want to be happy
i want to be free
i want to be the one, the only, ME
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The rhyme scheme is too simple, the lines too cliche' and abstract. It just doesn't say anything new, or poignant. Without specifics, I can't identify or share your emotion. It is more important, I think, to have the poem show us something unique or emotional, than to rhyme every line.
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Mmmmmm ....
As the previous reviewer as already mentioned .. the narrative is reasonably interesting but the rhyme scheme lacks fluidity with the rhyming too forced. The last line in the second stanza seems a little vague - 'the truth is in silence i have never flown' ? .. My suggestion is that if you approach verse with rhyme in mind then maybe familiarise yourself with some conventionally written poetry and look at the way it pans out rhythmically. You will see a certain logic to it all.
If you'll forgive the liberty, I've re-shaped/edited your piece and, although it's not technically correct in meter etc, I have used hopefully, a more flowing rhyme/stanza scheme .........
just me
i want to learn to be happy
i want to learn to be free
i want to learn
to finally be me
able to be alone
reaping all thats been sown
the truth is in silence
i have never flown
this is to be my test
rise to the challenging, lonely quest
i must give it my all
my absolute best
not sure how i will cope
solitude my only hope
i am done being
the one to mope
at last I am willing to learn
trust i will work to earn
if not, in the end
i will burn
i want to be happy
i want to be free
i want to be the one
the only, ME
Good luck with your writing ! -
I like the idea behind it.
Things to work on are grammar, forced rhyme (see line 5, 14) and sometimes I see meter and sometimes I dont. Maybe try to make it so it flows better?
It dosent have to rhyme if it gets in the way of the idea and the flow.
Last line I would say "the one AND only" not "the one the only"
Just some ideas.
Anonymousxo
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