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Overdrawn Conclusions

water abstract by (nz)dave.

If there's no judgement how can soul exist ?
If there's no soul then judgement can't persist !
If all ends spring from energy begun,
and energy from endings swiftly sprung,
why should subjective speculation's mist
insist on heaven, hell, - both sides are one.

Thus hot and cold, if stretched to their extremes
reflect inherent change of state as streams,
for steam evaporates caught in light beams,
or, iced, reverse flow's glow, no growth may know
as movement slows, while wave-length shortens bows.
Gas, condensing, dissipates flux flows.

Can those who draw conclusions hasty find
heaven or hell outside imprisoned minds ?

water abstract by (nz)dave. 

If soul can't suffer outside mortal sheaf,
and sheaf, untied, sighs end to suffering,
how can one reconcile life's daily leaf
with judgement brief dictating final fling.

Sin's self-destruction's sent to purify,
preparing phoenix flight from embers, ash,
thus trouble, trial and torment signify
anticipation of renascent flash
creating apt conditions for life's play
to recommence its self-sufficient spin,
sun, moon, hell, heaven, black-white, night and day -
each mirrors each to teach life may begin

again through thought til caught by naught's lost win.

...How many angels dance upon a pin ?

water abstract by (nz)dave. 

Author notes

robi3_1746_robi3_0000 SXX_CEZ

Background Anua22a Singing Toobs
http://flickr.com/photos/anua22a/2139460416/


Pic Edited Water Abstract
http://www.flickr.com/photos/nzdave/342608734/

In a list

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 38 of 38

  • Joshua DePesa
    November 16

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing structure(: I love the way this rolls of of the tongue.(:


  • Fibe Kill-DFW Punk-
    October 21

    Edit | Reply
    thanks for entering, but I have gotten so many of these sorts of poems that they are begining to bore me. I'm not saying it isnt good. It is, and I can tell just by reading this that you are an intelligent person.


  • walkingstick98
    September 29

    Edit | Reply
    Can those who draw conclusions hasty find
    heaven or hell outside imprisoned minds ?

    Wonderful phrase here, but aside from that i found the rest of this very hard to read. I understood where you were going with this and that was great but the flow of it all made me uninterested in the rest of it. Thanks for entering..


  • Camille Morin gold member
    September 5

    Edit | Reply
    I believe this is one of my favorite poems of yours. I admire you very much. You have portrayed multifaceted dimensions of your creative mind in this. Brilliant writing, my friend.
    Best,
    Camille


  • Shantti silver member
    August 30

    Edit | Reply
    Very deep and perceptual writting. It's elusive in nature but I love the abstract flow on reality and life after we move on.

    ...How many angels dance upon a pin ?

    I love that, and your so right, really makes one think. Beautiful background too.
    Thank for entering


  • AngieLynne
    August 17

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful!

    You have such a way with words and the flow of this poem is wonderful!
    You unique idea of heaven and hell is a lot to ponder.
    This poem leaves one with much to think about!
    Good Luck in the contest!


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    August 16

    Edit | Reply
    You make some wonderful points in the beautiful poem. I'm not the biggest fan of religious poetry (I put the prompt in to see what I could get) or rhyme but this was really good. How you questioned religion, compared and contrasted it, and examined it, all while maintaining a fairly consistent rhythm is completely beyond me, I write free form. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.


  • Jonathan ROBIN
    August 16
    Edit | Reply

    Contest Prompt

    2) A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes. (Feiblemen)


  • Janetheplain
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm this was interesting but not exactly what I was looking for. You kinda ignored the no rhyming rule...I liked the second stanza alot. Nice job, and good luck. Jane


  • isaacokumu gold member
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    this is very very good, and i guest you deserve the trophy you won, good luck in this contest, i love the ending of your poem


  • DistilledGin
    June 19

    Edit | Reply

    Interesting

    It had an interesting choice of words, but I love the way it almost confused me. Great job! Good luck in my contest!

    ~Gin


  • Pisces rainbow gold member
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    perception
    we create
    miss the mark (sin)
    go back and try it again
    balance is needed
    maintain balance by acceptance and embracing
    just be
    perhaps
    but never draw conclusions, perception perhaps why we're here
    we have shackled ourselves to our thoughts
    excellent dept
    God bless you my friend...

  • mcheadle
    June 6

    Edit | Reply

    I gess I would rather stand in my shoes

    For your I would feal fear. In my heart I know there is a Jesus, in your I feel you don't care. I may have slipped and fallen a few times, at least I knew where to go. You never stoped with what you did. You were only on go. This is so sad. With no one to rely upon. You never knew the Peace- the cross Jesus died upon. Someone who stood up for you, yet you still turn your head. May God have pitty on you, by giving you another chance when think about saving you on that day....mac


  • Jesann gold member
    May 28

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful BG...also like the small pics throughout the poem.
    Wonderful thoughts, beautifully penned....
    Love the line..."How many angels dance upon a pin?"
    Congrats on your Gold award.


  • Georgia La Mariposa
    May 28

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is amazing!! I loved the context of the poem and the background is nice page, thanks for the entry and good luck!


  • icyrose
    May 27

    Edit | Reply
    This has an interesting flow, and it actually took me a few reads to make sure I understood everything perfectly. I must say its structural complexity makes it very good, and your message is probably one of my favorites throughout the contest.

    You've done a great job.


  • Master Anarchy
    April 15

    Edit | Reply

    Goldened Water Still Be Not Ambrosial

    OK: I shall try to evaluate this in two fold manner, first from energy of the Form, then from Philosophe outside the norm.
    ***& &*****& &***
    Firstly I think the presentationoverly elaborate, speaking as both a poet and painter. No matter.
    *************************
    Rhyme is .. aabbab cccddd ee..? A sort of sonnet variation per stanza? But Stanza 2 does not follow through, so we happily accept the weft and hear for the woof without dogging whyme.
    *******************************
    So lines 1-2 propose: Judgement precedes Soul, and Soul proceeds from Judgement.

    lines 3-5: Cast a Judgement on the Soul of the words. And the words spring from axiomata unstated - Judgements undebated, conflated over with an initial line coupling of ends justified by means.
    *** ***** ******* ********* ***********
    Confusion sown be no knowledge grown
    For all that the knower may have groan;
    Mistified mistakes' brakes on thinking
    Be no Ambrosial Cup drinking, winking
    Of a Third Eye which I might dare to share.

    Questions not of Rhetoric yet still slick
    Poured on fast and thick betray a wick
    Of a candle on a sill where dweller seats
    Self in thought, without a real will, weak
    Of a can dwell, honour seal wear do well, its
    Self in thought, without a reel will wee'k.
    ****************************************************
    Not much more can I seek, but I do applaud Poetic Technique and trust that obsfucation remain not the author's situation.

    Regardless of the Contest involved, and it but marks an OK for an extra Applaud, hey, I found it hard to digest this; it would not make the Reader's Digest list - another point in its favour maybe. It could go down well at a University.


    Master Anarchy


  • maa gold member
    March 20

    Edit | Reply
    what a joy to revisit this masterful double sonnet again after such a long time ... of course, I immediately remembered it, since I found it so delightful and impressing the first time I ever read it ...

    I love the ending couplet in the first sonnet :
    "Can those who draw conclusions hasty find
    heaven or hell outside imprisoned minds ?"
    it truly is a reminder of the necessity of open-minded- and open-hearted-ness ...

    and most of all, I am still enchanted by the ending line :
    "how many angels dance upon a pin ?"
    these are timeless words of wisdom, that act like a koan, stopping the mind for an eternal instant, allowing us to dive into the space of freedom that lies within ...

    thank you for this masterful entry,
    maa


  • Shya
    February 22

    Edit | Reply
    As for the poem, it is superior. Wow. I find myself agreeing with your thoughts; this reminds me of Taoism, which states that opposites are not contradictory but both necessary for the other to exist. And also, that other belief of the east that all things are composed of two opposites. I loved the first part of this poem, with its thought-provoking rhetorical questions. =) Enjoyed it immensely. Thanks for directing me here... Shya

  • kitty-kat09
    January 15
    Edit | Reply
    this is very good and ty for enetering


  • reckless abandon
    December 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This definately flowed very well and I loved the rhyme in it. Thanks for sharing!


  • Suicide Hotline
    December 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow, amaxing, this was great, i loved it and it was very original, thanks a lot for your write.

  • RechercheCadaver
    December 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "Can those who draw conclusions hasty find
    heaven or hell outside imprisoned minds ?" Haha, nah. At least I don't think so. These are states of mind. Interesting poem which made me consider things in a different way. I love how natural the rhyming scheme is, the poem just rolls off my tongue. The imagery is mind blowing, so vivid that I did not even have to strain my brain to imagine.


  • Away From the Sun
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I will need to re-read this one, as it is rather complex and I'm unsure as to what it signifies for my asking for faith in God (the God of your choice, of course). It's late now and I'm cross-eyed, a bit, from so many entries. I'll re-read with more attention paid and I do thank you for your entry! Debbie

  • babyd
    October 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    First of all congradulations on the gold. This was an excellent poem and you were truly deserving. here was my favorite part:

    If soul can't suffer outside mortal sheaf,
    and sheaf, untied, sighs end to suffering,
    how can one reconcile life's daily leaf
    with judgement brief dictating final fling.

    Sin's self-destruction's sent to purify,
    preparing phoenix flight from embers, ash,
    thus trouble, trial and torment signify
    anticipation of renascent flash
    creating apt conditions for life's play
    to recommence its self-sufficient spin,
    sun, moon, hell, heaven, black-white, night and day -
    each mirrors each to teach life may begin

    again through thought til caught by naught's lost win.


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    October 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    BRAVO! BRAVO!
    could chew on this poem...for many centuries to come,
    and still enjoy it's flavor!
    ears/Seattle

    this must have tore your eyebrows off your face to
    write!
    well done! well done!


  • FlamesDragoness
    October 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    excellent entry!
    My goodness....what lovely food for thought and the
    rhyming was absolute perfection adding a lovely layer
    of texture and depth.
    It spoke on many levels that we could all wrestle with
    and ENJOY!
    flamesdragoness
    we Salute you for your might and courage,
    plus the sweat of this honorable rhyming
    must have truly taken it's bleeding toll!
    well done!

    thankyou for your entry into the domaine of hell.


  • maa gold member
    September 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    amazing ...
    I like the way that, after reading this sonnet duet, I can come up with no conclusion soever ... and your ending couplet in sonnet 1 tells us why ... yet, without proposing any conclusion neither ...
    that's the characteristic of masterful poetry ...
    I loved the "angels dancing upon a pin", suggesting the need for "one-pointedness" to me ... and the necessity to keep our vessel hole-less in order to be able to contain the nectar of grace that is attracted by the empty cup ...

    wonderful ...
    maa


  • MargaretG
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Light!

    Your humour dances through these two unusual sonnets, and draws on a millennium of theology and philosophy.
    I noticed your wordplay, which was not so difficult this time, and appreciated especially this idea:
    "thus trouble, trial and torment signify
    anticipation of renascent flash"
    There is hope in belief, but ultimately it is the heaven or hell of "imprisoned minds". Thanks for bringing your poem to our contest.


  • Poesing
    September 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Heavy!

    This is just too much for my little pea brain to handle right now. Sorry about that. Like the way you rhyme in the first part and free-style it in the second half - different! But, what does it mean exactly? Both sides are one? Huh? I hope not. God bless.


  • Rachel Kruger
    August 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very well written and the talent clearly shows. Thought provoking.
    Is judgement found outside our minds?
    Liked:
    "draw conclusions hasty find
    heaven or hell outside imprisoned minds"
    Love,
    Rach.
    P.S. Congratulations on your Gold!

  • JM Kenyon silver member
    August 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There's a lot of thought in this write and I like it very much because it makes me think more deeply. There are a couple things here that made the write less enjoyable.

    The first thing I found to hinder my reading was the placement of images between stanzas. I'm not sure why they made me lose my concentration, but they did.

    Second, the font mixed with the very busy background was difficult (but not impossible) to read.

    Other than those things, which are merely appearance related things you're write is fantastic and added to the finalists list.

    Sending s and best wishes always... ~Genie~


  • char-char
    August 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i think this is a really well written poem by a very talented writer
    i hope you will continue to write poems as good as this one
    i have also read some of your other poems that you have written and i completely loved them all.
    i hope that if i ever have a contest that you among others will enter.


  • DevinCora
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Sensational

    this write was just so beautiful.... it actually reminded me of the fight me and my fiance just got out of....

    i must say that as wonderfully written as it was i had hard time following some of it, almost as if you were jumping subjects a little to fast, but that could also be my lack of sleep you never know....

    but this was a beautiful write with such a descriptive montage played right before my eyes. you are an amazing poet


  • toomysterious
    June 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful thoughts on the original prompt given. Great imagery, very thought provoking. Good luck in the contest.


  • Lily of the Valley
    May 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It's interesting how things can be reversed to question the question. The answers are as unique as each of us. This poem reminds me of the chicken and egg or that most things in life go full circle. The beautiful rhythm and rhyme present are a joy to read and the thought processes are truly sparked into action by this poem.


  • Wolfdog silver member
    May 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Superb

    Wow, quite a spiritual philosophy you've spun in this short write. Very well written, indeed, my friend.


  • Night Hope gold member
    May 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "How many angels dance upon a pin ?"

    Sighhh...All of 'em, when you're writing, dear Scribe. Beautiful, profound & immortalizing, my Friend. Wanda

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