I gather shards of the moon, decorate a dream and try to sleep.
Even the night and someone's distantly flowing song are still too much to bear.
The night was not lonely; I just wanted to watch your sleeping face.
And even though I know tomorrow will come, I still can't sleep.
I want to see you, my beloved.
I want to feel your touch, but fate is cruel.
I want to write a message and send it in a bottle,
But it won’t reach you, and I can’t tell you,
These things won’t come true, it’s too far away.
For you are no longer here.
These feelings that shine as bright as dawn are slowly forgotten.
I just want to become sincere with you again, without affectation.
It's not just caprice, so you can believe in these invisble angels once more.
I want to wait with you for dawn, even when the night comes with its cover.
I want to sing to your dreams.
When you are lost and crying,
Or hurt and alone, I want to be there.
If the demon inside becomes too much to bear,
I want these feelings to reach you and delve into your soul.
But, my words escape from mute lips.
The voice of time, a taciturn heaven, caught between light and dark.
Hiding in shame, the world effaced the past, and I ran from you.
I wanted your wisdom, your guidance, your love,
But, ragged as I am, my throat feels quinsy when I try to say it.
You placed a flower on my desk,
As if you wanted me to die.
I thought I'd entertain that wish,
So I did the unthinkable and ripped away with lilies,
And lined my arms with velvet petals.
My message was cut across my sorrow.
I cut my arm with a piece of glass, confirming the color of the blood we share.
I don't want to feel ostracized, and yet you push.
I know I was a mistake, a replacable thing on the road of regret,
But I like to think, sometimes, that I was wanted, worth it.
I can hear your voice,
The long night seems much shorter then.
You tell me "It's fine now" and "I am here"
But I know it is but a dream.
Like the pistol report, you are an echo
On a waterscape vision, wavy and bent.
I am still Cinderella, walking up the steps of adulthood,
Believing in a carriage that will bring my good fortune.
I can't help but stop every time I hear a clock chime,
For I know that like Cinderella, time brought about my end with you.
I dreamt a dream, and you were there,
But your image danced and swayed.
Wings escaped, and I only sighed,
As my love flew away on wings tattered.
Angels hide behind clouds in heaven
As you laugh happily at my defeat.
You were my castle, but beseiged, you fell.
And I, your cornerstone, crumbled.
Author notes
I am sick of responses saying that this is 'cliche' and that everyone 'and their mother' has felt this before. I have a right to express myself however I please. This is a means of escape for my feelings and is not here to please the reader. When I put it on the review board, it is meant for constructive criticism i.e. "Line 36 needs [input poetic term] and less [input poetic term]' not the aforementioned bullshit I received.
Also, yes, it is long! Get over it! Don't like it? Don't read it. Also, it does have a lot of trophies because some people did like it. If there are cliche's here, they are not meant to be cliches and when I wrote this, I wrote it as I felt it. So if you have a comment regarding these 'issues' as some call them, don't comment!
In a list
A contest entry
- A very easy contest!! trust me it'll be AWESUM!! by star girl.
600 points, ended January 9, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - REAL by Ephiphany.
3500 points, ended February 3, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Two entries. All prewrite. by morgana raven.
400 points, ended February 23, 123 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Looking for new favs......... by jcat.
1200 points, ended February 27, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My Heart Shatters Upon the Crashing Waves by emc2.
950 points, ended February 27, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - give me everything you got by you lack luster.
550 points, ended March 18, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Feeling-Grams by Poetess12.
1800 points, ended November 15, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Mew
Comments
1 - 61 of 61
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I don't know what everyone is bitching about, it's a great poem!
Love the metaphors. -
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Thank you, I needed that.
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Anytime.
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You were my castle, but beseiged, you fell.
And I, your cornerstone, crumbled.
Last two lines are powerful!!
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Ok allow me to be honest:
All in all this is very cliche and extremely childish. There's a few lines that held my attention for a little bit but other then that it went right back to being the same cliche piece that it was before. I must agree with the person that said that it simply goes on and on without ever really going anywhere. Bottom line, most people have felt this before and it seems like you (along with everyone else and their mother) wrote the same topic the same exact way. I can't really find anything positive to say except for the flow of a few lines. But, honestly, it sounds like a Hannah Montana song.
~Dakkar~ -
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I took this poem off of the rating queue because of people like you. Your critique was not helpful it was downright rude and if you had nothing helpful to say, you should've not said anything at all. Don't use my poem for your points when you are just going to blather on as if you had a bad day and are using my poem to make yourself feel better. Yes, everyone 'and their mother' has felt this before, but I have a right to write about it in my own way using whatever cliche's I choose to use or not use. That is the beauty of poetry. It is meant to be a window to the soul. Don't like it? Fuck off.
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actually. any form or criticism is in some way helpful. if i read something im gonna be honest but i'll always comment. I'm not like the people that are extremely optimistic. it's pointless and a waste of time. i simply told you how i felt. Was i being a bitch, no i was being honest
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I really enjoyed the last two lines of your poem. However, I would have to say that the poem seemed a bit cliche overall. I would suggest condensing it a bit and thinking of some unusual ways to describe your feelings. Despite a few critiques, I think your poem is worth reading and expresses feelings well.
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Thank you for your reply. It was kind and helpful. But please do not say something in a poem is cliche. Poems are not put out there to be different or to please the people reading them, they are a means of expression. Everyone has a way of expressing something and sometimes they say something someone else has without realizing the other person has said that.
Don't take this the wrong way, I am grateful for your comment, but I must say that my cliches were my way of expressing my feelings. Thank you. -
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I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. You are right in saying that poetry is a means of expression. However, what keeps poetry fresh and alive are artists who attempt to convey universal ideas in a distinct way. For you, your distinction may lie in your talent to mesh various "common" ways of referring to love and creating an artwork that is completely you! As long as you feel that you are expressing yourself to the best of your ability, then that's all that really matters.
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I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. You are right in saying that poetry is a means of expression. However, what keeps poetry fresh and alive are artists who attempt to convey universal ideas in a distinct way. For you, your distinction may lie in your talent to mesh various "common" ways of referring to love and creating an artwork that is completely you! As long as you feel that you are expressing yourself to the best of your ability, then that's all that really matters.
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Is this supposed to be prose or poetry? Since it reads like prose, I'll review it like prose. No offense but it was like you took as many cliches as you could, a few fancy words, and some really ineffective poetic devices to write a really mediocre piece. If this was supposed to be a poem, it's lacking creativity and imagery. Although there is some imagery, the content just sort of jumps all around one central theme and it's inconsistent.
Someone else also mentioned it was way too long. I definitely second that! It just goes on and on, couldn't you have condensed it? That might have changed my whole opinion of this poem... er, prose. Really, it's just too straightforward. Almost everyone has felt this way at some point in their life and it just feels stale reading it. Poetry is news that stays news.
I hate to be the only negative reviewer but somebody has to do it -
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I am not writing to please the reader, but as a means of expressing myself. It was not prose, else I would have put it in the prose section. It is long because I felt the length was needed to get every ounce of my feelings out, and no, it was not long to exacerbate the mood. And please don't tell someone that there are cliches in their poetry. Like I said, I am not writing to please the reader, and if there are cliches in my poem, then they were not meant to be.
Yes, everyone has felt this way in their life, and as I stated to the person above, I have a right to write about it however I choose. So please, next time you have anything negative to say, make sure it is constructive. Thank you. -
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First of all, my advice was constructive... if this was supposed to be for expression and more like a journal entry, why didn't you categorize it as such? I saw this under the "wants constructive feedback" tab and I did as such: I gave you constructive feedback. Perhaps I made a mistake and misread the tab. Perhaps you made a mistake and wrongly categorized it. Irregardless, don't mess with the bull if you don't want the horns. Second of all, I will tell you whatever I want to. I have the right to tell you if I think something is ineffective in literary terms and to add insult to injury I even did it in a polite and constructive manner. Sure, it's wonderful that you got your feelings down and I hope you're feeling better, but this is a poetry website, not a support forum. Why wouldn't I tell you if there are cliches in your poem?
Don't you want to become a better poet? Although you have the right to express yourself in any written format regardless of what I or anyone else think, that won't stop me from thinking it's not well written and since this is the internet that especially won't stop me from adding my own two cents. I think you need to learn to deal with constructive criticism because your response was really quite defensive. I'm not out to hurt you, I only want you to improve as a writer. After all, isn't that the purpose of this site?
I'm wasting my time though. It appears to me you want to treat poetry as an emotional outlet and not a form of art. So be it, poetry is flexible and if it makes you feel better, knock yourself out. However, don't tell me something isn't constructive when you and I both know damn well it is. I can't help it you didn't want to hear something I had to say. If you don't want people like me commenting on your works, you should keep this stuff in a diary or a personal online blog. I found your attitude distasteful. -
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Thank you for taking the time to respond to my reply. I am sorry you seemed to have misread my comment as I obviously misread yours. I wanted criticism, yes, and I found the only criticism I was getting wasn't helpful, hence why I took it off the notice board. I treat poetry as an art form as well as an emotional outlet, for that is what poetry is. Expression. I do not want to become a better poet, for I think every poet is fine in their own way and should not 'better' themselves if they feel they do not need to. Poetry is not meant to be perfection.
It is not a diary entry, and I do want people like you reading my works, but I wish that instead of saying 'this is cliche' you would try to pose creative ways to fix such errors and telling me where I was being 'cliche'. You could've told me a good starting place for the condensing, but instead you only said it needed condensing. Remember that each poem produced by a poet will in some way need work, but that to the poet, it is how it was meant to be. If it needs to be fixed, tell them where, don't just leave them hanging and searching.
Please do not think my response was meant to put down, only to show you that what you call constructive was a broad overlook and not direct, like what I was aiming for. I put it up because I knew it needed work, but I didn't need to be told that it was cliche in general, but where the cliches were.
Thank you for you reply, and I hope this helps to clear the matter. -
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I appreciate your maturity in this matter but it appears we don't see eye to eye in our definition of critical feedback. Part of being a poet is being creative and experimenting; you should reread your own poem from the perspective of somebody else and think to yourself, "Hm, what would they get rid of?" This inspires critical thinking and once you get into a flow of critical thinking you will find revising very easy and refreshing. Also, cliches are glaringly obvious and as a poet you should know what they are. For example, "I want to write a message and send it in a bottle..." is a pretty blatant way of saying you wish to establish contact with someone. You could have thought up something much more creative. I think a big part of criticism is having a good sense of judgement yourself, whether it's picking up on cliches or knowing what could use omitted. However, you think your poetry is fine the way it is and so be it. If anything, it is beautiful in its simplicity and the fact that just about everyone can relate to it.
Cheers.
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Thank you. I am still in the perpetual stage of a child who can write something and not see the errors in it. It is a work in progress, and I shall use your advice to try and absolve the problems.
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Your open mindedness means a lot to me, thanks for considering my point of view. I hope I have not bastardized your work in any way.
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I think I like the poem I just read on your feature better than this one. But this one has some accolades attached to it, a lot of trophies to its name. It's much more effective in the shorter lines and longer stanzas than it is when you have those short stanzas with long lines. All in all, very impressive award count for this poem.
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You show emotion in a well written way.
Your poem tells an interesting story.
Thank you very much for your entry.
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*sigh*
Very nice wording. (taciturn)
I want to sing to your dreams.
When you are lost and crying,
Or hurt and alone, I want to be there.
If the demon inside becomes too much to bear,
I want these feelings to reach you and delve into your soul.
But, my words escape from mute lips.
The voice of time, a taciturn heaven, caught between light and dark.
Hiding in shame, the world effaced the past, and I ran from you.
I wanted your wisdom, your guidance, your love,
But, ragged as I am, my throat feels quinsy when I try to say it.
Loves those bits!!!
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this was really great...quite long but never boring...thanks for sharing this one...peace an dlight always in all ways...kp
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Aww...
This is a really sweet poem...sad and sweet at the same time. It's amazing how such simple words, when put together by you, can form such beautiful and tear-jerking imagery.
"I am still Cinderella, walking up the steps of adulthood,
Believing in a carriage that will bring my good fortune"
I really like that part
The ending is brilliant too. So elegant and sad.
Well done, really. I can't blame the judges for the contests you enter for giving you all these trophies.
Keep writing thanks for sharing
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Wow this gave me goosebumps. I loved it, good job and very well written.
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This was amazing. I really like it alot. It felt as if the love had died and went to whatever place we go to when we die. It felt that the love shared was a great thing bigger then the both of them that would transcend time and space as well as death. Thank you for sharing this with us.
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91
Title: 9/10
Originality: 9/10
Emotion: 10/10
Grammar/Spelling: 10/10
Flow/Structure: 9/10
Imagery: 10/10
Overall Use of Poetic Devices: 8/10
Reaction: 8/10
Rules: 10/10
Overall: 8/10
Totaling: 91/100
Wow, this wasn't what I expected. When I saw the title, I thought this was just going to be another one of those cliche poems. But you made something cliche and took it as your own. Your imagery was great and your word choice was good. I do suggest instead of just typing, you try and lay out a good set of line breaks, maybe to increase the emotions. Very good and good luck in the contest.
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first i must say congrats on the trophies and that this is a really good write but kinda long. thanks foer entering and good lucki in the contest
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Very heartfelt and a good write
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Oh that was good I really loved this it was very full of some wonderful emotion.
The Positives:
I really thought this was great you had wonderful imagery in this I was really drwan to this.
The Negatives:
None this was great I really enjoyed this.
My favorite Part:
I can hear your voice,
The long night seems much shorter then.
You tell me "It's fine now" and "I am here"
But I know it is but a dream.
Like the pistol report, you are an echo
On a waterscape vision, wavy and bent.
I am still Cinderella, walking up the steps of adulthood,
Believing in a carriage that will bring my good fortune.
I can't help but stop every time I hear a clock chime,
For I know that like Cinderella, time brought about my end with you.
wow this part here really really got to me I loved it.
Overall:
Great job I give you a 8/10 this was awesome. I am glad you entered. I hope to see you in my future contests.
~*~Apathtic Poison~*~ -
This is very good. The first paragraph reminded me of how i feel about my Bf. And other parts of the poem I'm to tired to figrue out to tell you. Yeh I'm young but i feel something i've never felt before, true love. This is an awsome poem! Keep it up and thank you for your entry.
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thank you for entering
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Wow.. this was so deeply emotional & so beautifully descriptive.
So many lovely thoughts throughout.
A heartfelt write & a treasure to read.
Best of luck & thanks for entering
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I am still Cinderella, walking up the steps of adulthood,
Believing in a carriage that will bring my good fortune.
I can't help but stop every time I hear a clock chime,
For I know that like Cinderella, time brought about my end with you.
Love this stanza. Thanks for entering. Great write -
Amazing! So many emotions presented very well with imagery. I felt all the emotions and you captivated certain moments well. This is a beautiful work of heart that truly came from your heart, and beautiful dream that one never wants to wake from. One of my favorite parts is:
"I am still Cinderella, walking up the steps of adulthood,
Believing in a carriage that will bring my good fortune.
I can't help but stop every time I hear a clock chime,
For I know that like Cinderella, time brought about my end with you."
Absolutely a stunning poem. Good luck in the contest and keep writing.
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So profound!!! Your depth of emotion here was amazing!! You have a wonderful grasp on the english language that draws the reader in and captivates them! Well done and thank you for your entry
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I absolutely love this! It's full of emotion, depth, similes, metaphors, poetic devices... this is amazing. So many lines were my favorite, but I especially like this stanza:
"I am still Cinderella, walking up the steps of adulthood,
Believing in a carriage that will bring my good fortune.
I can't help but stop every time I hear a clock chime,
For I know that like Cinderella, time brought about my end with you."
I really have no criticism, to be honest. This far surpasses any changes I could suggest. Kudos on an excellent piece of poetry.
I wish you the best of luck, and keep writing and improving your poetry. ^__^
Aeris Silverlight
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hmmm
not exactly what I was looking for in this contest. This write is VERY GOOD, but I don't think it fits here because it doesn't talk about moving on...thanks for the entry though
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very nice write from you. congratulations on the trophies and i wish you well in this contest that we both have entered. viyanna rosemarie
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Very nicely written. Wonderful imagery. I really responded to this poem on an emotional level, beautifully done. I love this line: "Like the pistol report, you are an echo
On a waterscape vision, wavy and bent." among others. I love it when I read a poem that just stands out like this. Especially on this type of subject . Thank you for sharing!
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The voice of time, a taciturn heaven, caught between light and dark.
Sorry... quinsy...????
6th Stanza..., WOW!
Incredibly written, amazing imagery...showed and spoken...! Oooh.
Excellent work!
Wow... it left me wondering, come the end exactly WHO was gone...
The the story you tell of your self, is boith touching and sad...
Your style is great here, I like the way it reads. Incredible literary devices.. -
Thanks for the entry! There is some lovely imagery here. I did find the length a bit tiring, but that's just my opinion.
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Wow this is incredible.
thank for entering and good luck.
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congrats on the silver a wonderful write full of emotion
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Your poem really spoke to me. I feel the same way right now. The emotion is incredible. And I love your wording. Thank you for writing such a beautiful poem.
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The story of the heart is sung with the dreams in it..very much heart touching poetry you wrote here..thanks for sharing..
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Very Good.
Very nice writing.
I enjoyed reading a poem that was long and meaningful. I know how it feels when you miss someone so deeply.
Your poem was written with beauty, meaning, emotion, and love. WHta can I say? Simply Amazing!
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I loved it!
I loved the emotion you put into this write!!
I also know what it feels like to miss someone dear in your heart...but things do get better.
I wish I could of wrote a poem like this,but unfortunetly im not a very good poet.
But I thought it was full of sadness and pain toward the end, and im sorry for that.But it did just bring the poem down a little, but it was very goood. Thank you for joining!
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OMFG!
i wish i would have wrote that
simply amazing
i no what it feels like to miss someone
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The first stanza has to be my favourite. I kinda wanted it to continue in that sort of style. for me, it wavered slightly. But it was still a great read. You are an excellent poet.
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I want to sing to your dreams.
When you are lost and crying,
Or hurt and alone, I want to be there.
If the demon inside becomes too much to bear,
I want these feelings to reach you and delve into your soul.
But, my words escape from mute lips.
I can hear your voice,
The long night seems much shorter then.
You tell me "It's fine now" and "I am here"
But I know it is but a dream.
Like the pistol report, you are an echo
On a waterscape vision, wavy and bent.
Excellent message here, so many canrelate to these feelings.
I am lving the end too, crumbled, sums everything up quite nicely.
I love this, it's listed now, thank you lovely,
Jin
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you were my castle, but besieged you fell
And I your corner stone crumbled
How wonderful.This is stunningly beautiful, these words are so delicate and breathtakingly well written, all sumptuous and dainty.
thankyou for a waltzing gem of creativity
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There is such sadness in your words and a pain that I cannot begin to imagine.This person you love so much, I feel is not the one for you.I know you don't want to hear it but deep inside you know it's true.When you are ready love will shine again.a beautiful poem nonetheless, Ros
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Your poem of love has so many emotions, of elations of love, yet wondering where you are in the relationship...Can't overlook the Cinderella syndrome, time coming to an end, the ups and downs midst passed happy memories, but love having gone..You have with excellence of vocabulary shared this passionate yet unusual love, it will not be forgotten..with sadness..A masterful penning here...Regretfully love has not stayed.But could you endure looking back at all the emotional cruelty of the cost? The changes of mood in how you were treated? "decorating a dream" "caught between light and dark"...A whirlwind blown away..Bravo for the write!
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This is very powerful and touching; there is someone you love, but somehow this person is lost to you. Apparently this person wanted you to die and laughs at your defeat, but you still long for this person. This is a real dilemma obviously for you, but also for your reader -- we want you to be happy, but, geez, how can we hope this person returns??? Now, can you tell how well you have written this, that you can pull us completely into your story, (true, or about you, or not) and have us caring what happens? That is poetry at its best!
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sad and beautiful. very well written. last two lines brought a major sadness to me. lived this one and you captured it brilliantly. sincerely.me
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beautiful
wistful, moving and excellent -
I want to sing to your dreams.
When you are lost and crying,
Or hurt and alone, I want to be there.
If the demon inside becomes too much to bear,
I want these feelings to reach you and delve into your soul.
But, my words escape from mute lips.
this is my fave part of this poem, i love the strong emotiion in it and loved reading it and even though it was long i was hooked straight away, you are a very talented writer, well done
i also think you'd write very well in my contest, this poem would have been good, if you feel like it just message me and i will send you a link, ok?
really well done on this brilliant poem, i truly mean it. -
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You should definitely link me. Prewrites? Or shall I do something entirely new?
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i like this a whole lot i think you really did a very great exceelent job expressing your feelings here iyt was a pleasure reading your poetry
Lady Jazz
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