penny loafers with no pennies
tall wispy old man waits for the bus
smoking quietly
thinning auburn-orange-gray hair combed back slightly
semi dressy in Member's Only
drooping big ears stuffed obscene
with hearing aids
liver-colored lips receding into lightly-tanned new dentures
cactus on the shoreline
he stands away from the bench
as long fingers clutch crinkly brown paper
still have to pack your lunch when ya grow up
Author notes
Written December 23rd, 2003
What did you think
Comments
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Really enjoyed reading this, you're very good at describing people! I loved this line in particular:
'tall wispy old man waits for the bus
smoking quietly'
It made me think of the man as sort of, part of the smoke he is smoking, maybe that's not what you meant, but the cigarette smoke in the air sort of made me visualise the man in a better way. Lol hope I haven't murdered your work. I got an odd feeling from this line:
'liver-colored lips receding into lightly-tanned new dentures', like the colours were sort of misplaced. I know it was done on purpose, but anyway, it made me feel uneasy, odd, dunno.
Love this subject, old/grown-up people always make me feel reflective and also a bit sad, sometimes.
Great write and sorry for the ramble
keep it up!
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A very vivid and important description. It describes something which we all need to think about. Without offering any included message of your own. Aside from the actual subject matter. Very well done.
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