I've kept your tattered picture
tucked under my mattress
hoping I could lay on you
my tired subconscious
I dreamt that our misfortune
washed away on the shores of
warm beaches and summer
stayed strong past the
change of seasons
But wishful thinking fades
with another sunrise, feminism
and pride remind my green eye
of the lurking you did on
most of our nights
Impressions in the mattress
molded a story; wondering, if
her body laid a greater impact
than my words on your skin
Laying in bed, where your
kind of love usually begins,
I realize that whether on the beach
or in your arms, inevitably I
would have been burned. Still,
it lingers, the curiosity of
what she has and what I yearn.
Author notes
Well this the first poem i've written in about a month, so I may be a little rusty, but I wanted to try anyway =)
A contest entry
- PIF Contest-paying it forward...June 3rd judging will begin-.picture is Feminine GREEN EYED MONSTER by ears2hearyou.
300 points, ended June 6, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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powerful
i think you have an amazing way of writing, it gives you a sense of the harsh reality but not in a way that concentrates on anger, rather than it focusing on reminiscing what you lost, which is i think a problem.. people send so much time wasting time on anger and hating something they once gave their impossible to make it work...
keep on the good work
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I see the prompt and maybe this isn't a personal write- however:
'what she has and what I yearn.' ... most probably his blindness...
Forgive my perhaps compulsive reaction.
It's most likely because I read such equilibrium in this write, which is about 'wanting' is it not?
It's written beautifully, with no anger and little resentment detected. This is good, but it makes me mad- 'I've kept your tattered picture'...
It seems that another, far better than this one is deserved and perhaps 'I've' does herself injustice by not refusing to be part of this 'story'.
I would say to her... "Be clear about what's worth yearning for and what's other people's 'story'. Unless they know and recognise what it is yearned for, they don't know you anyway and therefore don't even know what you 'have' anyway."
We have the freedom of all we're aware of... good and bad... and the freedom to choose between them.
Great write, sorry if waffled unnecessarily.
Sol
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Awesome work here.
Love this:
Impressions in the mattress
molded a story; wondering, if
her body laid a greater impact
than my words on your skin
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BRAVO! BRAVO!
oops...i took a peek..i loved this poem, sure to be
a medal winner!
I really liked how you started it with the picture
under the mattress hoping I could lay on you my tired
subconcious. That was lovely, lovely. My great grandmother would cut our hair and keep it..for times
when we needed special prayers or blessings.
ears/Seattle I loved your poem!
the curiosity of what she has and what I yearn...
spoke volumes! -
Hmmm.... This is exactly the place my mind goes to when left alone in my thoughts too long. It brought back some unpleasant memories, long-suppressed, and I almost cried! I felt like I had invaded your mind on a very personal level... Well done, and good luck in the contest!
Laura x
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hmm well I am sorry it almost made you cry, but I am happy to hear it evoked such strong emotions, it means I was able to convey my message to readers.....thank you for taking the time to comment =)
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Well, the point of poetry is to make the reader feel, is it not? I'm not normally a crier, but this one took me back to somewhere I never wanted to return to... *sigh* It's been a straaaaaaange week! Oh well
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looking forward to your write
if you need an extra day, please advise, and I will
extend.
ears/Seattle
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