Sitting in silence, I try not to shake
Always I'm haunted, asleep or awake
"Try to be happy" means nothing to me
Just like our love, I'll make believe
At the drop of a dime, you say goodbye
There were no angels making a sound
These dark words are all I found
Feeding the cancer that eats me alive
Kill the silence and drive them away
The demons in me that drove me to hate
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Nice
Again you have the Worlds best imagery!
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Its very dark,.. but i love it,.... it's an amazing write
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This is very deep and dark bro. You did a fantastic job in letting your feelings flow and wording those feelings so beautifully. Great Job and Continue Penning!
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Wow!
Double wow! You have the gift of self expression that I really lack. But you seem to leave off; that last sentence is like a leading line into another poem or stanza or even notes. Hate what? But overall, I like the poem, it flows well, and I think you've got great potential just from what I see here.
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i like this dark and depressing but comforting
this is well written i love the last stanza
"there were no angels making a sound
these dark words are all i found
feeding the cancer that eats me alive
kill the silence and then drive away
the demons in me that drove me to hate"
your an amazing writer and even though you write darkly but true same as i nice write. -
i like this pome, it has a nice rhyme, and flow. the wording was well done as well
"At the drop of a dime, you say goodbye
There were no angels making a sound"
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It seems to be about a relationship ending or not working out as planned. It seems very heartfelt to me, genuine, lots of passion and emotion. I like the line "At the drop of a dime, you say goodbye There were no angels making a sound
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This poem flows pretty well for the most part. A few suggestions to make it even better:
The last line in the first stanza is significantly shorter than the other lines. Perhaps if "Just like our love, I'll make believe" were changed to "Just like our love, I WILL make believe." That would make it a little longer, and it would help the flow.
The third line in the second stanza is also very short by comparison. I'd add another word to it. Perhaps change "these dark words are all I found" to "these dark words are all THAT I found." That would help with flow inconsistencies.
These are only suggestions though. You don't have to change anything.
Otherwise, this is a splendid piece. Not a single rhyme seems forced, which is impressive, because all of the lines rhyme one after another. I also like the picture you painted with the last stanza. Great write! -
I loved the last line of the first stanza, and the emotion, or lack of emotion (which sometimes seems harder to portray) in it. Nice rhyming, also, that kept the poem very fluid =D
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Nicely Done
I find once I release my negative emotion on paper, somehow, it's easier to bear. There are several really good lines in this piece but my favorite by a mile are the first two - they really draw the reader in. Very nice!
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Very Good
This is a very good poem. Negative thoughts do put people into a downward spiral and it can be consuming -difficult to escape. You said it well here. There are small things that I might change, but it's the message and releasing the emotion that is most important. Good Job!
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