As each new morning brings a fresh surprise
in fervent phrases written on my page,
I view the world through Heather’s teenage eyes;
the new love which ascends to center stage.
In fervent phrases written on my page
she finally finds the safety to proclaim
the new love which ascends to center stage
as life revolves around a special name.
She finally finds the safety to proclaim
with feelings hidden deep within her mind.
As life revolves around a special name
she details yearnings no one else will find.
With feelings hidden deep within her mind,
protected here without public display,
she details yearnings no one else will find;
those secret thoughts which I would not betray.
Protected here without public display
I view the world through Heather’s teenage eyes;
those secret thoughts which I would not betray
as each new morning brings a fresh surprise.
Author notes
form: pantoum
poetic device: personification
In a list
A contest entry
- Form Contest: Pantoum - Romance - Personification by Little Eagle.
600 points, ended June 26, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How do you think I could improve this poem?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Outstanding
This is a complex form that is very demanding on the poet and I thought you did amazingly well here. The flow is excellent and the repetition works well throughout. The rhyme is strong and not forced at all. You have a talent for writing. Congratulations on the gold trophy.
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Great form you used and the flow, rhythm and rhyme is right on - wonderful interpretation of the prompt given in this contest. Congratulations on the gold trophy as well - very deserving. Way to go.
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Very beautiful Phantoum. This is a difficult form to flow words in. Until someone tries it themselves they will not know how hard it is to do.
You did a great job with the flow, form and the story that you told. -
Beautifully executed Pantoum! Congratulations on the Gold!
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Thank you for your entry
With every entry you put in my contest you continue to impress me. Though you do not speak of two people outright the romance is very clear in this poem. I love the way you used the prompt and personification. To give the diary a voice is a very unique perspective.
Excelent job on the form. Good flow and they rhyme scheme was well developed.
I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy -
This is an absolutely fabulous pantoum! I must admit that due to the form demanding repetitions, many poets find it hard to maintain a smooth flow of words but you have done a marvellous job!
And you have managed to personify well as well. Bravo!
It is difficult to chose any single line as my favourite for all are so well knit and beautifully written but this line;
"As life revolves around a special name"
has such sweet simplicity that I felt I had to mention it.
What a sweet write! Best of luck in the contest!
God Bless!
Anansey
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Excellent! I expect no less from your pen. What a delight to read such a beautifully executed Pantoum.
I loved it. ~Pamela
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This is absolutely beautiful. Thanks so much for writing such a treat in perfect form. I loved this.
Good luck
Passionspromise
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You've done a lovely job with this. Whenever I read pantouns, I often find that though each line may be well written, they often do not blend well with the other lines in the various repetitions. Here, that is not the case. Each stanza can stand alone with perfect flow and unity of thought. I like the way you described the diary; it sounded very much like a teenage diary. Especially indicative was the "special name." I could just picture traced over and over with little hearts to accentuate.
Beautifully done form.
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