Listen. They still speak.
Voices calling from ancient stone,
Whispering secrets long preserved,
Weeping as freedom passes away.
Stay awhile. Do not rush.
Sensing their depths of despair,
Mourn for those unlucky souls,
Who could only cross one way.
Author notes
I hope that this is ok.
My writing is still maturing, and any helpful criticisms are welcomed.
A contest entry
- PIF: the bridge of sighs by unraveled.
490 points, ended June 3, 2008, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Beautiful
I think this poem is a wonderful thing. I am also a newer writer, but if you just write from your heart, you have nothing to apologize for.
The second stanza though, is different from the first, almost cut short.
Something that might help is rewriting a couple of those lines, such as:
"Stay awhile. Do not rush.
Sensing how deep these souls despair.
Mourn for them, the unlucky ones,
who could only cross one way."
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i think it is good
and someone is always growing so you should appreciate what you can make now..
"Mourn for those unlucky souls,
Who could only cross one way."
that was my fav. lines -
Hi, My helpful hint: stop apologizing. Feel it, write it. The more you write, the more you learn!! BUT, don't apologize; your voice is yours and yours alone. Those that need your words will find them..that is the wonderful thing about serendipity. Be open to learning new forms...And my favorite, try to take a thought and distill it, construct a strong concise image rather than a long dilluted one. Write on Bro, write on!!
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beautiful
I liked this poem when I first read it, and when I looked at the picture the you used for inspiration I liked it even more. You say that your writing is still maturing, but this poem is more then ok. the words you chose were (almost) all breathy, like wind rushing between houses and along canals.
The second section of your poem is a little curt, compared to the wordier first section, but I don't have any suggestions of how you could rephrase it and make it better.
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"Listen! They speak again.
Voices calling from ancient stone,
Whispering secrets long preserved"........
Ancient voices from ancient stone is a fascinating idea. It reminds me Coleridge's Kubla Khan where the ancient voices prophesy wars.
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I wish I could write as well as you can. I could feel this poem comming alive to me. This poem was well written. The poem made me think as well, more than usual. Continue the great wor
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You have good images like "whispering secrets long preserved". As you say your writing is still maturing, I would suggest that next you look toward making your images more individualized and unique, breaking free of the standard ideas such as unlucky souls.
Your ending is good, a strong finish for this short poem. I think "whose" should be "who" though?
Thank you for the entry, I am glad you could be inspired.
-cassidy
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thank you for your helpful comments. I left 'whose' in there by mistake, the last line changed several times. The unlucky souls were of course the prisoners who were only crossing that one time. I will try harder
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Nicley done. It said a great deal for such a short poem. I enjoyed it. You have a good style and it flows well also. We all have ancientness within us. Thank you for sharing this with us.
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I think this is rather good a bridge to the other side of life thank you for sharing this with me goodluck in the contest best wishes
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