how fleeting our thoughts like ravens fly. as
unkempt buzzards marauding from corpse to corpse to
feast on the carcass of some poor sod beset by
metaphysics
"How do you know but ev'ry bird that cuts the airy way
Is an immense world of delight, clos'd by your senses five"
because they are borne of my struggle and broken hearts
and many deep despairs. but perhaps their world is just glad to get
away from me.
A contest entry
- Abstract picture prompt, I am paying it forward by bird at rose.
1000 points, ended June 7, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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deep
I found this poem to be very thought-provoking. You used a lot of words that I would have never thought of using in ways I'd never had considered using them. Everything came together very well and I loved the metaphors you used! -
This 11-yr-old had to look up a few words, which flowed together once I did
colepowers, you weave tears slowly while naturally giving me a chance to go along with your writing:
That preview really struck me and I couldn't wait to click! It's compelling in the first sentence, broadly stated for any kind of mood yet. Then, you get into your specifics which really nailed the imagery on the sad comprehension we have over these scavengers. So pointed and eye-opening to describe emotions in that manner, not known for keeping itself neat but for cleaning up; it's direct and a very nice 'story' of the girl. It's not essential to sneak in to grab an animal if it's already laying there unconscious, dead.
"cuts the airy way Is an immense world of delight" sets on me as a personal move only you really understand and care about. Loved the figurative speech in "cuts the airy way," yes the fresh path of feeling good and happy is being snipped, wow what a way to put it.
The last stanza also continues to sum up the detailed "five senses," and these kind are inside of you, as well as maybe afflicting with the typical ones on the outside too. Especially with others not being comfortable around you.
Thanks for entering, I would've never expected such from my prompt, but you did it justice and I'm sure it'll be a hard contest to judge!
PIA-K -
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Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment, I really appreciate your interpretation of my piece. The two lines in quotations are actually from Blake's Marriage of heaven and hell, and to "cut the airy way" is an old english kenning that simply means "to fly" but I really prefer your interpretation.
Thanks
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I am inclined to agree with Rovingone, it is dark yet well written. I like the middle-ish english, feel the middle two lines have. good luck with the contest
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Very gothic. There is a lot of dark imagery in this work. The buzzards, ravens, death images, all very black. It's well written, but not a subject I'm too keen on.
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I notice that most of the pieces I read are an entry into one contest or another. I rarely enter contests and only store my poetry here for the most part in case my hard drive was to crash. I do not disdain your reasons for entering a contest. Nor do I discount your poem because it was prompted by a contest. You di a spectacular job of conveying your sentiments with or without a contest involved. I read this through three times before commenting. The last stanza is what I believe we all think. Yes we capture so many things as writers, but do they really want to be caught at all. I like you cannot but make a poem out of almost everything I feel and think. I and the subject is cursed to my pen. Whether or not it wants to be. RC
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"unkempt buzzards" - that's a very descriptive phrase. This is quite an original take on the prompt, more philosophical than most.
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