Tho to the world we can not be seen,
Our love is pure you are my queen,
We hide our love from plain sight,
Until we can make the world see things right.
Behind closed doors we hold each other,
out in public we hide out love,
Together we can never be,
For it's to much for the world to see.
The hate us and all our "kind"
Don't want to see us,
make law's against our love,
and chase us out of clubs.
Not allowed to be ourselves,
Not allowed to express our love,
We will love each other eternally,
But forbidden shall it ever be.
A contest entry
- a soft caress left - thoughts on love prevented by adsaige.
1800 points, ended June 4, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Final Option - Finalist - Open to all by Florida Sunshine.
1150 points, ended September 7, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love that makes me cry/Yiruma (prewrites and freshwrites) by evershine-90.
760 points, ended October 21, 83 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Wow, powerful write and well written. Alas, "broad minded" society is just a phrase without any meaning. I can relate to this, Thank you for your entry
Best of luck! -
My official review of your poem in the contest. Because this is a 'final' contest, I am feel I should be as strict as I can be in looking over every aspect of the poetry presented. I have never claimed to be an expert in any of the categories, however I have been learning a great deal over the last few months. Not only did I want to challenge you [the poet] but myself as a judge.
Below I've made the ruling/score in regards to the points. If you disagree with any of my reasoning please 'reply' to the comment made – with “Challenge” and explain where you feel my assessment is wrong, if I agree with your argument I will change the score. I'm never to proud to admit when I'm wrong. If I feel I am still correct I will bring in a 2nd judge to make the final decision to a change. This final judge will be through my grammar group.
Your Scores:
Finalist -- 0/10 points - I'm so happy to see you've taken the challenge to jump into the final round of the option contest.
Use of Prompt - 20/25 Points – Timeless – Love – even a forbidden love held within a bond.
Poetic Form – 15/20 points – This is regards to the actual structure of the poem. It appeared to me you have written 4 line stanza with rhyme. Even though you rhymed aabb only in your 1st stanza, the remaining stanzas with an abcc scheme, from time to time the rhyming seems a bit forced.
Use of Grammar - 5/10 Points – There is a form of poetry that allows for the word of each line to be capitalized, but you didn't capitalize each line therefore I must assume it is a capped for a new sentence. The 1st stanza has a cap on each line when the line before ended with a comma. The 3rd stanza you have quoted the word “kind,” this should be single quoted to make the word give impact to how your drawing attention to the word. ['kind'.] Same stanza you have “law's” I believe you mean lawmakers making multiple laws to forbid the love if discovered. Therefore it should be plural not possessive. [laws.]
Spelling - 10/10 points - Perfect!
Overall Presentation 20/25 points – The background and fonts are a nice compliment to the poetry you've penned. I can't imagine any love being forbidden, in today's society, maybe 30 or 40 years ago. Which is sad to think it wasn't that long ago. -- Adult with Adult regardless of who you are, if you love the person and that person loves you... be strong and proud and shout it out loud! I think this poem is a nice wake-up for people to see there still is ugliness and judgment when looking at other peoples lives.
Your total score is 70
I do appreciate your participation. It was a welcome pleasure to read and review your work. I think you did a terrific job!
Best of luck to you,
Florida Sunshine
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content: 10 grammar: 20 message: 20 revelence: 20 impact: 40 [110]
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nice just very soothing a nice to read i think you did a very excellent job it was a pleasure reading your work good luck
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