my surroundings are attacking me
ransacking me
smacking me
slapping me
taking out the
stitches from me
sucking me dry
slamming into my eyes
the bleak bubble
doubles me up
and I've forgot
to change my socks
A contest entry
- Not For The Weak by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended June 9, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Well... To be honest, I'm really not sure what to think of this. I liked the beginning... It came on hard and fast, like an orgasm after great sex, in that you showed no intent to spare the reader the impact of your verbal assault.
The end, though, was a lot weaker, and it just didn't grab me. My thoughts immediately jumped to that of someone dying an unexpected death [suicide?], and the socks were all s/he could think of... Not a bad thing, but it could have done well with a bit more emotion.
Overall, not bad. Thank you for entering, and good luck.
Laura
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