It happens to you
And it happens to me
This life, no
It's not a mystery
A broken child
A beating heart
The world is crashing
Right from the start
He opens his eyes
not finding his mother
And beside him
One begins to smother
The smoke is too much
The medics can't see
And he wonders
"What will happen to me?"
Because the night
falls too early
He sees the fields
Of burning burley
Will they light him home
Or send him running far away?
And he remembers
"The sun didn't shine today"
Because the choppers
Are ceasing and turning
And his world
Just keeps burning
"Dear God take me
Out of this place"
And the skies above
Plea a thunderous case
...
From up above
Comes the saving grace
A contest entry
- Whatever..just make it good. [astonish me] by dawn.of.juliet.
1000 points, ended June 30, 191 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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thats really sad.... T_T personally i thought the rhyme scheme was a little too much. the only part that really captivated me was the last part
And the skies above
Plea a thunderous case
...
From up above
Comes the saving grace
its really beautiful and the rhyming there wasnt forced at all
anyways its really pretty and seems like you've put a lot of effort into it and you care a lot
so thanks for entering
good luck -
this was awesum, luv the lines, " a broken child, a beating heart" and "will they light him home, or send him running far away" i could picture the whole poem in my head awesum
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Thanks for the comment. I'm glad you liked it <3
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i do not understand how you can say in your contest notes that other people can not write when you offer such poetry here.
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Excellent write. Very intense and dark but with the saving grace at the end.
Critique...
line 18 Typo "to" > too"
Line 28 "Are turning" needs at least one more word in this line to keep the rhythm flowing well.
I like your form and you stuck to your rhyme throughout. Great to see you writing more.
alby
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Ah the critique is much appreciated. Especially with the spelling errors. Always seems one or two slips past you. (The spell check on this thing NEVER works).
I fixed it though so you should see what you think of it now.
I actually wrote this poem to the tune of 'Congratulations' by Blue October which really has nothing to do with what it is written about at all but the song was stuck in my head so that's how it came out, lol.
Thanks for all of the feedback.
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