His eyes writhing in his face,
His face wan and withering.
I did this…
My blameworthy eyes scan his lifeless body,
His body ashen and angelic.
I didn‘t think he loved me…
His blood soaked shirt covering his still chest,
His chest calm and comatose.
He caught me cheating…With his best friend.
He was never good enough,
He was exactly the man I’d have turned down,
He deserved everything he got…
I wanted more, and couldn’t resist,
The guilt never plagues my somewhat corrupted mind…
He killed his friend…Then killed himself…
Now I have no one…
Author notes
10 maybe mixed in with 9
Age 15
A contest entry
- CALLING ALL TEENAGERS...... by InfiniteCaitlin.
800 points, ended June 9, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Remember You! by TheGangstress.
600 points, ended July 29, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - star crossed lovers by Cerbie20.
1325 points, ended August 31, 2008, 87 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - pif/round contest part one - prewrite's by serenity silvermoon.
800 points, ended July 10, 566 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
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wow, i really liked this poem. its crazy what people will do for love. in this case, he got overly jealous, and killed his best friend. it was a bold move, and really crazy, but this is what makes this poem awesome. good job!
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It's a bit cliche, in my opinion. I think if it would have gone more in-depth, describing the emotions and process to "madness" then it would have been better, but to tell a story like this in such a short, surface form...it reminds me of a bad movie, to tell you the truth. Something that people were really expecting to be great but then it was just a cliche love story...
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I was really caught up in this up until the line "He never told me he loved me". that was when this poem lost what it had. I loved the begining though I thought it was something new and exciting. it got my attention. So I would go back and try a new angle after the whole best friend thing. I think you would do best to use a more malicious tone. Like he was a fool. or that you dont care. Be more scathing. that would really turn the rest of this around in my eyes.
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Thanks for your advice. I've edited the original so I hope it's a lot better now
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