sleepless may i lie,
shunned by tears i cannot cry.
hopless thoughts lay still,
hung by me i cannot kill.
sometimes anything goes,
but still they will never know.
what i do inside,
sleepless i may lie.
Author notes
there has been a lot of question about the end, and it is supposed to be that way. it is like, a pun, i suppose. thank you though. ^.^
RIE vanity
A contest entry
- Prime. Rhyme . Time (Must vote contest) by Legend.
2000 points, ended May 25, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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lolz
i wish i liked rhyme...
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Sleepless
Boy how this does ring a bell. tears of yesterday still on my pillow
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deep and short- i like that !
oh and the end
is obviously supposed to be that way.
like your rhyme scheme- catchyy
beast :]
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Pure angst, girl. An editor once told me that the uncapitalized 'i' indicates a lack of self esteem. Somehow, it fits the sadness in this poem. One thing, I would suggest, though, is that if you do not use capital letters to begin your thoughts, it is more consistant to not use periods, either. I would remove the end-line punctuation in this one and use spaces between the lines where added emphasis is needed.
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I can feel the sadness and utter loneliness from first line to last. I like the way you changed the order of the words from 1st to final line - it's fits very well. Good Luck in the contest. ~Von
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few words but wwhat little words you use, you put them to good use. Sometimes I feel the same way...you express ideas very well and with feeling.
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I think this speaks in volumes. Very nicely constructed...short, but you got your point over loud and clear.
Well done and good luck in the contest.
Shaz xx
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Very interesting, short, simple and to the point!!! I really enjoyed this.
And I really like the repetition of first and last line....there can be so many meanings in the way you've placed the words...
Thanks for sharing this,
Luck
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The night time is the worst time when you cannot sleep formpainful thoughts.Short but effective, Ros
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i like this it was a very great piece and i hope yo get your reconition in this cotest keep up the good work i think you did a very great job
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sleepless may i lie,
shunned by tears i cannot cry.
GREAT beginning. Seriously, for so few words you have really done a great job here, I love the 1st and last line being the same....although yours arent, lol....did you mean to?
If I were to make any suggestions it would be to your second to last line.... doesnt seem to stand up with the rest (at least for me)...but its certainly nothing major.
Nice job, keep writing and good luck in the contest!
Jamie
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A sad little piece, with a big emotional depth charge... [is L-1 and L-8 supposed to be the same?] Those lines are the only little hangup for me in the over-all poems flow... But I do like it!
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SIMPLY GREAT
WOAH! SHORT, CRAZY AND TO THE POINT...JUS HOW I LIKE IT YET IM CURIOUS AS TO WHERE YOU GOT THIS INSPIRATION IM SURE ITS PERSONAL IF NOT IT MY JUS BE CAUSE ITS FOR A CONTEST..IDK...GREAT JOB! -GORE
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thank you. ^.^
its REALLY about hiding inside myself and an old friend. she killed herself almost 3 years ago and i kept it a complete secret for 2 and a half years! of course the police knew, but she wasnt even in the obituaries. i lied about every thing. thats why the end was 'i may lie' instead of 'may i lie' because i lied about the whole thing. its a little pun on the whole idea. thank you for your comments!!
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Sometimes it is the shortage of words that have the most dramatic effect This is such a case.I bet there are many many who have spent such sleepless nights.Wrapped in pain unseen by those around them A fine piece Good luck in the contest Thank you for entering
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thank you
thank you very much! i just hope people like what i have written and have a chance to think about it. ^.^
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