With the wind in my jacket
in the shadows of passing clouds
I tread and lift the spade.
Scrape and clink of stones on the blade
As I turn the earth
This blustery morning.
Waking during the night
There was only silence.
Bedclothes warm as breath
In the covering dark.
Bubble and hiss of the water boiling
In the shadowed kitchen where I stand
Waiting for dawn and the kettle’s steam
With the cup in my hand.
In this day’s slow dawning
I tighten the lace and tie
As the clatter of bottles outside the door
Brings morning.
Another morning.
Days come and pass
Like passing shadows of clouds -
Dawn and dusk, light and dark,
Like the flow of a tide
Like the beat in my blood
As I, Noah of this soft envelope, my ark
that will not survive the flood,
tread and lift the spade
in the shadows of clouds passing
over the turning earth
this blustery morning.
Author notes
jimmy20johns
In a list
A contest entry
- Unappreciated Brilliance by KayJay.
1300 points, ended June 23, 2008, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - National Poetry Day by cricketjeff.
1500 points, ended October 12, 2008, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wreck by lie.
400 points, ended August 10, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 40 of 40
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Not sure if your repetition of "shadows...clouds" was purposeful, but it got a little unnecessary after the second time.
I think stanzas one through four were beyond fantastic, but the last, kind of deterred me from really enjoying the poem. The repetition doesn't add anything, or make the emotions in the poem any more prominent.
Great piece, though, great title and outstanding grammatical skills.
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it's quite well written but I don't feel connected somehow. Perhaps it's because I don't understand the person/life behind it?
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I have visions of a murder and burial taking place for some reason. Perhaps because it is dark and there is a spade ... anyway, nice imagery and thanks for the entry.
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This is a wonderful write, very unique. Flows really well too. Good luck in the contest.
♥ Kathraina -
,,,
I am speachless, but pushing through this I can say that I'm especially taken by the length of your poem. It's been pulled across so many lives and countries; I am thankful it has finally reached my island eyes.
I found an honesty and gentleness that was refreshing to any worry I might have felt before.
Thank you.
♥.
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I like this - soft a soft feel to it, yet with the relatable image of everyday, mundane life.
Nicely done!
best wishes in the contest
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I really like this poem here, the imagery you used, the atmosphere you created...
Thank you for entering the contest!
Leande -
Congratulations on another recognition of your beautiful poem. I can't applaud again, so I'll leave these.
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Congratulations Jimmy on the cup, well deserved. Your poem was as always, a joy to read.
All the best...Sue
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A delicious invocation of the start of the day
A joy to read for both judges and a joy to be handing you a trophy again, it has been a while!
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Very nice. Good use of imagery. The clouds looming sort of puch up the idea of the inevetability of the end of life. Well done.
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Very nice. What a impressive poem.
Truely enjoyed this read. Thank you so much for entering my contest.
Delila -
the most unique aubade i've read. really wonderful description
"Bedclothes warm as breath
In the covering dark.
Bubble and hiss of the water boiling...
Waiting for dawn and the kettle's steam"
"the clatter of bottles outside the door
Brings morning.
Another morning."
and like how it circles back to the beginning. also feel the rhyme/form complement it well.
seems like many of the commentators below me are especially fond of the noah part, but i'll admit it mostly went over my head, to be completely honest, clever, but didn't quite seem to mesh with the rest for me, and didn't get what "soft envelope" meant, though now that i do i think its an excellent way to describe it, nice metaphor. but combining it with the metaphor/allusion of the ark, i don't know. just my two cents.
but really masterfully written, excellent poem. -
"As I, Noah of this soft envelope, my ark
that will not survive the flood"
This holds such poignant & powerful descriptions within its lines, Poet...a poem laced & laden with depth & meaning. Congratulations on winning the gold. Wanda
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Very beautiful poem, every description overflowing with simple, yet human qualities. I could imagine every part that you wrote about, very well started, developed, and then excellent ending, beautiful!
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"As I, Noah of this soft envelope, my ark
that will not survive the flood" - Wow; great write!
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Excellent poem, with apt and vivid phrasing, and I like the way you conclude by referring back to your opening imagery. Very well done.
Bill
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absolutely amazing, you my friend are a POET. This poem displays to me a very strong discontentment with the tediousness of ones life. It is well penned and the images are life like.
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This is an absolute wonderful piece of work you have crafted here. Your use of imagery and ink are incredible. Powerful are the words that tell of a time when men worked the land for their families and all contributed but never were they in such a hurry that the simple pleasures of life passed them by. Even when they worked from dawns first breath to nights last sigh. Family and loyalties were strong as were the wills of those who lived it. We have lost so much in our ever changing lives. Thank you so much for sharing such an exquisite piece of work. It was my honor to read such a breathtaking piece. Bravo poet...take a bow....you deserve it.
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Brings back memeories of an earlier time even before my own when men lived off thre land they worked and not a supermarket self. Damn fine piece of work.
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A sweet, sweaty brow
The plight of the working man...the workaday mundane routine of labor.
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love its!
a delightful look into the small events of life!!! loved it!
one question for you ...was>>>"As the clatter of bottles outside the door
Brings morning.>>a reference to milk being delivered?
for some reason..thats what came to mind
congrats on gold!
~Ptolema
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Hi. Thank you for your appreciative comment and, yes, you heard it right, the clatter of milk bottles being put outside the door. Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment. Cheers, jimmy.
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I found a quiet peacefulness in this. The day passing and only small changes. Your imagery is superb. Congratulations on the Gold.
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Beautiful Simply Beautiful. Congratulations on the gold.
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Um... wow? This is incredible. Great flow, great imagery, and great ideas behind what you say. I love the way you set "Another morning" apart; it adds so much emotion and power to those words. I can see the way the man would stand there, the way his voice would sound. "Noah of this soft envelope"... This poem is simply great. Congrats on the well-deserved gold.
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Absolutely beautiful... this is rich in texture weaving wonderful images, simple words, and the soft emotions of daily life into a poetic picture... Simply great!
I'd love to critique you but there's nothing I would change... In spite of other comments, the ending is perfect... it completes the circle of the day you've described and gives it continuity. I would add the definition of aubade to the your AN's however; I'm sure it's a word most wouldn't recognize as a "a piece sung or played outdoors at dawn, usually as a compliment to someone". It adds a new layer of meaning to the poem...
I think this is a great work just from the honesty here... Thank you for sharing...Truely, this is what I was hoping for... and it's unappreciated no longer.
Ken
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Hi Ken. First of all, thanks for initiating this contest - it was a great idea. For myself, almost invariably writing in form and rhyme, I felt, with this (for me) innovative piece, I'd begun to find my own voice free of any 'front dressing' and your genuinely insightful appreciation of it (as well as the supportive comments from other members that have followed) have greatly encouraged me to explore further in this direction. So, thanks again, and should you consider repeating this contest for the benefit of some other member(s) I have 5,000 points I'd gladly donate to that end. jimmy
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P.S
love the ending i just love round endings! -
woot
good job! i think i smell a good poet! -
this is an amazing poem awesome imagery evrything about besides the end is good-the end could be better
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wow. this is amazing! great imagery. but, i agree that the ending could be better, something about everything being gone and the doys going by. other than that, its a great write!
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This is a very inspiring piece because the imagery of nature is so raw and vivid.
One of the things I thought it might've been lacking was a stronger ending. I was hoping for something that made me feel overwhelmed by the days passing and not just something that kind of seemed like a repitition.
Besides that, I think you caught a feeling that many people feel a lot of the time - smoothering, dying as the world passes us by.
Very vivid work and thank-you for your entry.
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this has been my favourite so far
Your poem echoes Philip Larkin poem brilliantly as if you were in conversation with him.Was the soft envelope in reference to his Postman?
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Hi there! No, by "soft envelope" I mean one's body (thus one's "ark that will not survive the flood"). Don't know the Larkin poem - will take a peek. Cheers, jimmy
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Great work Jimmy
I really enjoyed this one. So full of nostalgia. It kind of put a chill down my back. Great write.
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Hi. Thanks again for a kindly comment. jimmy
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I love this. I love the images presented, man as tiller of the soil, bedclothes warm as breath, waiting for dawn, another morning, Noah and his soft ark, so many layers for me, of acceptance and integration. Quietly so very powerful. Thank you.
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Hi. I really appreciate your insightful comment. Will visit your page soon as I get a mo. and will return the compliment. Thanks again, jimmy
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