we are beautiful in forty-watt light
your hand on my crotch,
a cock swollen from neglect
and voices in the stairwell
not our own
Author notes
24 words (25 if you count the hyphenated word as two)
In a list
A contest entry
- 25 words by Melissa Gayle.
600 points, ended May 20, 2008, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I like how you open with talk of the 40watt light, while your words are there, grey specks hanging in the blackness
This is a powerful vignette ... the connection between the two people concerned is not altogether clear (in terms of whether they are partners, dates, strangers moving on from coffee after some random meeting), but I think it works better for the poem that such is not explained away. It frees the poem to draw in more readers, compelling them to derive their own vision of who these two people may be, what they may be to each other etc.
It's erotic, but not trashy. A masculine sensuality, written in a way that is immediate, raw, and evocative. There are connotations of loneliness and sadness in this, as if for the male it is not a regular occurrence ... but one that is embraced and valued ... however short the moment may be/have been ... or however long, if there was more to take place beyond.
I loved the last two lines closing the poem. A sense of melancholy and gloom came to me here, as the lines brought an image of a grey, unkempt stairwell (like in many of the old blocks of flats here in the UK), of how sounds can go through wafer-thin walls and invade the privacy of those within.
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this is a painting
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this poem makes me think of a very intense attraction between two people where words are not needed...it is just something understood and felt...lol.
this is written beautifully...your poems always are
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Wow! This is really a bit abhor but beautifully crafted.
Another excellent write.
HENSLEY
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Wow
Talk about raw erotica made truly beautiful. I love the first line - the forty-watt light brings a sense of artificiality... but also, that word beautiful brings a touch of emotion there, so it seems to me. The second and third line spoke to me on a very personal level, I just love the third line. For some reason, I feel it speaks a lot in those five words. Actually, now I think of it, I wonder if "my crotch" is really necessary... And the last stanza... in my mind it paints a very suggestive image... there is life, but it does not belong to this couple. This poem shows loneliness very elegantly, but also directly. I love it!
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I have to tell you this is incredible, powerful and profound. You have imagery and emotion that makes this shine brightly.
Excellent piece -
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thanks
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beautiful indeed ... love the last two lines in suggesting that in the moment 'our own voices' are distant and not quite our own or perhaps in that moment they ARE someone elses ...
i am still wondering why the hell the alternate posting names ? ... once i get blur is Al ... Al is ... Al ... (and i quite forget how i found this out) ... and i do like all his manifestations ... all sides of who he is ... after all i dont want him to become one dimensional ...
i ramble .. give it time and eventually all becomes a blur ... ... >> Gina
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Al? who is Al?..
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oh heck .. i was hoping you would know !
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oohh mama, is it hot in here, i think it is, i love your comments between you and mary
maybe it should be sucks instead of blows??/ uh huh
ohh golly, i think i need to go sit in an ice bucket now
la la la
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Wow... intense and sensual, but with a dry and raw grain to it... I like the choice of words, and the intense setting you depict, with the single forty watt lighting, the stairs... the way you draw it out... very nicely done.
-Ash
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"swollen from neglect" - that was a good one!!
I liked the dim light and the hush here -
and the impact of course. Wonderfully "tight" (no pun intended)!
~ Nicolette
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what is the relationship?
I don't have a clear sense of it... ?
Blows
those 24 or 25 words- (depending how you count)like dizzy gillespie's horn
it might not be pretty to watch- but it has an impact..
nice
m
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LOL... it's the first time I was told my poetry blows and it was meant as a compliment...
thank you mary
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There are so few words here but the select wordchoice has given a tremendous amount of substance and texture to the environment ---- you don't tell us how to feel, yet when I finish the poem I have a sense of the relationship. Good job
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