Gnarled fingers twisting savagely
around the throat of solitude,
tears awash upon broken shores.
Neurotic lullabies strangle shards
of hope, thorns within my grasp,
as finality's fractured breath subsides.
Seismic screams resonate, languidly
churning within human wastelands,
ravaging silence in their wake.
Ruby toxin spills sick bliss
into oceans of thought, icy fists coiled
around tumours, stifling sorrow.
Cancerous cruelty creeps, asphyxiating
fears which pervade my sanctuary,
and tormented heaven weeps, forsaken.
Depraved angels sing misery's serenade,
as disjointed choruses whisper in tongues
to the darkest corners of my nightmares.
Failure scratches beneath my skin, exploiting
my buried past, like a common whore,
as your memory seduces my present with pain.
Author notes
I am Immortal Obscurity.
"Forever"
Poets' Survivor III Elimination Round
There's a long story behind this poem, and it's very personal to me. If you really need to know, then please ask.
Artist credit: "Bad Note Saloon" by hotburrito2 at deviant art.
In a list
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- Gold Trophy Winners • next in list
A contest entry
- Dark beauty by Broken Angel Shade.
600 points, ended July 2, 35 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me what you got...2 by Luckintheshadows.
1000 points, ended June 20, 28 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From May 2008 by Amaranthine Lover.
900 points, ended July 1, 57 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Express yourself by RoseDaughter.
350 points, ended July 3, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~~~Demons~~~ by anguish.
395 points, ended July 25, 18 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - "She Must Be The Saddest Girl To Ever Hold A Martini." by SliptheFlitch.
300 points, ended August 28, 20 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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tears wash upon broken shores...i like that line, very emotional poem.
thank you for enterin
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I love it. So beautiful, so...well, I'm horrible at using words to describe words. It perfectly capture what I'm feeling right now Thanks!
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ooh yay bring on the non cliché, non "woee is me im melting" poetry: I love this much, Tis very dark and yay for the large english vocabulary, I'm loving the big words and way this is written,A poem to truly get your tongue around
Love you!!
love kitty xxx
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This was very good. I liked your choice of words. Nicely done. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
<3 Vampy -
great write haha dont really know what to say keep the ink flowing and good luck
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You speak of me.......i was hooked from the first word. You word play is just genius, neurotic lullaby...omg i love this. What can i really say that isn't sed by this piece. Beautiful, twisted and just plain sexc lol
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very amazing poem... the words you put in it really made a great affect to show the darkness in there... simply amazing keep it up
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I like this. You used beautiful language, and I loved the overall meaning. Awesome write you have, and I love your lookupy type thing, its pretty. I loved your alliteration as well... overall its just great.
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very dark indeed, the language really does a good job purveying the nastiness of your situation. great write. good luck
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"Neurotic lullabies strangle shards
of hope, thorns within my grasp,
as finality's fractured breath subsides."
Frickin epic lines! I really love this poem. I love your style of writing. Very, very good job.
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Great flow, wonderful imagery.
Wonderful metaphors.
Thank you and good luck! -
Thanks for entering
This poem is very good. I can really feel the emotion in it. I enjoyed reading it very much. I really like the technique that you have used, it really makes this poem like a song to me... very memorable. Thanks for entering! -
Great Briliant
I love your dark message in this write being aprehensive about seperating from something or someone. Yet you have to look deep, deep inside go past the darkness and let go Or if you hold on your just going to feel like your trapped and be filled with resentment Keep up the writes Very powerfull
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I like the imagery in this.
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this write, well what can i say, was grotesquely beautiful. i love your descriptions, and as always, you leave me wanting just a little bit more. keep up the good work.
Rob -
This is an awesome poem. I could feel the pain in this piece. I enjoyed the read! Thank you for entering my contest.
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Awesome write. Intense use of wordplay to create a quite surrealistic atmosphere of imagery and thought provoking visuals. Quite a dark piece, open to an interesting array of interpretations. Thanks for the great read.
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An extemely disturbing, brilliantly written piece of artwork! I LOVE it...your imagery is incredible, brings to mind a kind of psychological thriller.
THIS: is my absolute favourite part of the poem,
"Depraved angels sing misery's serenade,
as disjointed choruses whisper in tongues
to the darkest corners of my nightmares."
Thanks for sharing this, and entering my contest,
Luck.
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Like magic for me. This verse below.
'Failure scratches beneath my skin, exploiting
my buried past, like a common whore,
as your memory seduces my present with pain.'
Sorry I was scared away from your page so totally missed the above stanza.
Come on girl you have the ability and you throw it away in useless glamour. Would like to see you write like this and if you can avoid or use softer words than WHORE it is the only ugly word I see.Thank you for this piece and the pic.
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This had a great deal of imagery. I really enjoyed it a great deal Thank you for entering and for following the rules of the contest. This poem you have shared is a beautiful write. Good luck in my contest.
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Depraved angels sing misery's serenade,
as disjointed choruses whisper in tongues
to the darkest corners of my nightmares.
It was beautifully haunting. You write well. I really enjoyed it. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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Neurotic lullabies strangle shards
of hope, thorns within my grasp,
as finality's fractured breath subsides
Absolute beauty here.
Thanks for the entry in my challenge and good luck.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
The images you instill are absolutely wonderful. I love your fourth stanza
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WOW!
omg, this is super intense!
I love your words, they are intwined wonderfully!
great job on this!
such charged emotions!
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Curiosity still could never distract from the intensity, or the ability to appreciate such a truly powerful piece. Some amazing imagery woven throughout these lines. Caged by memory; something about this makes almost too much sense for me. Excellent write indeed!
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I truly would like to know
what exactly was the motivation for this intriguing piece strong imagery and visual word play.I like the title, anxiety is mutha. -
Oh course I am asking. I am the curious sort.
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You truly know how to capture...
Each line grabs by our throats the first three words
used and we hang on tight, not knowing where you are
going to lead us....it's scarey..and hypnotic at the
same time!
you certainly are not a deprived angel that's for
damn sure, not when you can write like this!
ears/Seattle
boldly confronting and attacking..i felt renewed by
this!
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There was an interesting counterpoint in nearly each verse. Like a contradiction almost against itself. For example: "cruelty asphyxiating fears"--seems to me like cruelty would increase fears, not snuff them out. Another example "icy fists STIFLING (putting out) sorrow." At first you seemed to contradict yourself, but then it seemed to be a counterpoint, descriptive of the confusion in such emotionally trying times. Kinda cool.
Point of suggestion is to chose your words for the reader's benefit a bit more often. Often when you string together less commonly used words, it slows down your reader. So, even if the words are powerful, descriptive words, the decrease in pacing for the reader to take in meaning, may affect their effect.
Good imagery here, too.
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You had the intensity of the piece shown and the atmosphere of a very dark mood; but I think the imagery can be worked on. The bulky adjectives/pronouns/descriptives made the imagery hard to see, abstract and difficult to connect to.
And when there is no imagery it is usually hard to connect to the piece. Lucky for you you had a strong feeling pouring out - but the imagery still needs to be worked at.
Besides that I thought that first line of the last stanza set open a good ending and it truly drawed me into the piece.
Nice work! Good luck
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The raw pain here is so intense, the reader can't help but be pulled into the emotion of it. A really gripping story with strong imagery and language choices. Well done, good luck!
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"Cancerous cruelty creeps, asphyxiating
fears"
I absolutely loved this - I didn't much feel that the adjectives were excessive because it gave me more imagery and a sense of darkness - I could have gone and killed myself after reading this [but I'm too lazy to get up from the bed]
♥
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I feel the dark and the pain in this.. it is palpable!
I thing the adjectives add power to it myself and help paint the picture of the pain...
I felt this write deeply... it mirrors some of my own feelings
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Well I have to agree with Laura on this one, too many adjectives take away rather than enhance this piece. I think it is a great story but too much telling, sometimes less is more and more is just to much. Still overall it is well done but an edit adding a little more poetic device and losing some of the adjectives would make it a keeper. Hugs, Bunny
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This is an intense and heartfelt poem which culminates in a powerful stanza. I liked your use of alliteration and assonance. "Neurotic lullabies strangle shards of hope," provides an strong image. Peace, Liz
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This is a strong descriptive piece, but I feel you've overdone it somewhat on the adjectives, for example:
"gnarled fingers", "scarlet waves", "broken shores", "Neurotic lullabies", "Seismic screams", "ravaging silence" etc.
This poem tells a story, and it tells it well...I just feel you could tidy up this narration by looking for alternative ways of explaining things. I guess I'm trying to say that a little more imagery and metaphor and less description would make this an excellent piece. This poem "tells" rather than "shows" and the addition of more poetic device would serve only to enrich it.
Good luck!
La x
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Breath taking
My Friend Angelkat first read this to me and I then asked her for the link. I read it again and I found alot of pain that one day I hope that you can work through.
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this is quite powerful and I am in shock. the title fits the poem perfectly. this is definitely on of my favorites of yours. this doesn't suck sissy not at all.
this is beyond words. All I keep coming up with is WOW..
I love you sissy
kat
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Good start! Potent emotion...
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