It started with a few flying flakes...
Unsettled and blowing away...
Tobogganing off branches and leaves....
Teasing our eyes...
Then... fell into silent steady large crisp baked yummy flakes...
Melt in your open mouth kind of flakes....
Little brittle blankets gently gliding down to earth....
Floating... turning slowly round deciding what to cover...
Settling on the world like woolly mufflers stifling sound....
I had forgotten frozen toes and fingers...and wind that stings your eyes to tears...
Covering... every branch of wintry tree...where buds just swelling up for spring and blossoms bursting through.... are covered
And people bundled up in coats and scarves and hats and gloves.... are covered
Nothing escapes the relentless ruthless white changing into crisp clinical starched stark newness...
And rude disturbing children racing in boots and laughs
Light of day fades into shadow, and street lamps glow...
We bundle into blankets yellow warmed with rich mulled wine...
Snug white hot logs glow on our faces....glass reflected....
Flames lick and curl dancing shapes in the wood stove...
But it was icy outside...
A contest entry
- A Wordplay Poetry Contest by -BlackKnight-.
600 points, ended June 9, 2008, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
any feedback is welcome?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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"Cold".
I beg of you, please, please, PLEASE get rid of all the elipses. They drive me nuts when they're used so often, and serve no real purpose.
Other than that, and cleaning up some unnecessary words ("relentless ruthless" could probably be trimmed to just one of those, and "silent steady large crisp baked yummy flakes" could do without a couple of those words), this was lovely. I love winter and you reminded me why. -
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Thank you
Hi Black Knight
I know it has been a long time since you made the comment but I just wanted to say thank you for the positive feedback for my first ever 'public poem'.
I am being much more careful in the use of elipses since your comment. I had never really thought about it before and have frequently used them when writing. I think I picked this habit up in a particular 'English Class' about 35 years ago. I see your point and agree with you.
About the unnecessary words. I included them because when writing I would read the poem out loud and at the time they seemed to fit but I will work on it again.
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Cold most likely. But I'm probably wrong.
Lovely imagery. Excellent wording and perfect descriptions. Thanks for entering. -
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Cold it was!
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Whoa, this is just awesome. So much imagery has been used but thankfully not too many big words. (Those make my head hurt) It actually makes me feel like I'm in the snow, watching it or that I am the snow. So in the words of Mr. Burns "Excellent"
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Great Imagery!
This write is packed full with some amazing imagery and I almost felt as if I was out in the cold and snow with you here.
A very beautiful write. Nice job! Blessings, Patty
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Thank you for the positive feedback
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