I was happy
and I knew it
I was hyper
but it didn't fit.
I had done it
an hour before.
I craved it,
and kept wanting more.
I had my razor
fresh and new.
I planned one cut,
but urges grew....
I wanted deep,
but not my doom.
I wanted lots,
but had no room.
I rested it there
on my flesh.
pressing hard
blood: dark and fresh.
I held my breath
and moved very fast.
the gaping wounds
yet no feelings past.
Then one so close
to dangers in my wrist
ripped two open
I kept a bloody fist.
It was huge and deep
past the first layer of skin
shocked I made it
but I think I did grin.
Shaking too much
a blood mess all around,
I couldn't keep up
but I made no sound.
I just leaned down
after mopping up the blood
I hung my arm over
and let it just flood
I felt very weak
I thought I might pass out
I couldn't let anyone find me
no one would understand what its about.
I called my mother only because
it was all out of hand
she freaked, but helped me
even if she didn't understand.
Stitches were next
I thought very few.
but I just couldn't stop
so I needed thirty two!
Drama with parents
I wanted to dissapear
I didn't see this coming
I didn't want to be here...
How could this happen
I'm scared of what I've done.
I wanted to be somewhere else
I just wanted to run...
Even after I called my mom
I still continued to cut deep
I wasn't satisfied with one or two
and just letting them seep.
I was so happy, hyper, (manic?)
it didn't fit my mood
Why did I give in-
I'm so mad I can't eat food.
And after it all I still was hyper
and in a 'happy' mood.
Was I masking it or manic?
Maybe just confused?
I just wanted deep
I didn't mean to cause stress,
the more I try to think it over
I just understand less and less.
I'm sorry I'm a fuck up
it looks like I don't try,
but no one has these urges
or understands that blood is how I cry.
I thought it gets worse
before it gets better, maybe?
I'm just getting the worst out
but its all anyone ever sees...
What if I'm not ready
it's not time to quit?
maybe I'm already getting better
just bit by bit.
I don't really know
nothing is for sure
I'm looking for more pain
but still looking for a cure.
Just when I think
I know who I am and why I'm here
I shock myself, and my emotions
and state of mind are so unclear
Who am I?
And what have I become?
I live off pain daily,
but now I think I'm only numb...
~Madison~
Author notes
this is personal. my first time getting stitches. i didn't mean for it to get so bad. my dad was so mad he almost had to be kicked out of the ER. i wrote this a day or two later, to clear my head on the events that happened. I think it helped alot. sorry if its confusing, most perosonal things are without explanation. I dunno if its crap or what. it seems long btu the phrases are shot.
Please tell me what you think- I put stars next to places I'd like suggestions... see my notes please
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I love this! It is long, but it's pacy. My favourite stanzas are these, I think they are amazing!
"How could this happen
I'm scared of what I've done.
I wanted to be somewhere else
I just wanted to run..."
&
"I'm sorry I'm a fuck up
it looks like I don't try,
but no one has these urges
or understands that blood is how I cry."
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Thank you!
Thank you you so very much on your kind comment. that poem in particular is very personal and im so glad it is appreciated.
~Madison~
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Its always good to express your feelings. I dont think this is crap at all it describes what you were going through very well.
Just the way you wrote it drew me in because even though it was something totally different I know how it feels. Just some of the emotions you were going through at the time I have experenced before.
*I hope Im making sense*
I have panic attacks and sometimes they are a heavy burden to carry on in everyday life. It prevents me from most things. And when I do have them I feel alone and it almost degrades me because I wasn't like this before.
Anyways good greif, such a powerful write.
Thanks for sharing it with me.
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Thanks!
thank you so much for your kind comment and applause. this poem was very personal indeed. and quite lengthy. but it helped me to get the events all down on paper. i do not have panic attacks but i have dissociative states and i can very much imagine the fear and lonliness in it and that it does very much so affect day to day life. stay strong! and thanks again.
~Madison~
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jesus, so...it is not confusing, and its very deep below the ear poping ocean depths, i need to call you soon, and maybe this could be more, whats thoughts now, from ones then. these "poets" are sprung and dorky.
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OMG! the moment i started reeading this i felt so connected. very very well written, this is one of the best pieces i have related to in a long time. thank you i really enjoyed reading this
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dark and deep i can feel the way you are thinking i love the write
please return the favor,
<3 lady jea -
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thank you for your comment. next time offer more in the comment and ill be more willing to return the favor. but i will do it anyway because i appreciate that you said anything at all to my write. thank you.
~Madi~
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sorry, i forgot to applaud
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Wow. This is amazing. I LOVED IT!!! And I can relate to it. My favorite lines were
I rested it there
on my flesh.
pressing hard
blood: dark and fresh.
and
I'm sorry I'm a fuck up
it looks like I don't try,
but no one has these urges
or understands that blood is how I cry.
Awesome write, I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
XXCrimsonRaineX -
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wow thanks you added me as a fav! i dont get on often and i write even more rarely now. but im glad you liked taht piece enough. it was very personal. and those two are some of my favorite lines. I never have favorite lines in my own piece! thanks for the very nice comment and applauds! it means a lot! I'll just have to look at your stuff too
thanks again.
~Madi~
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I love this poem it so sad :/ but its beautiful how you wrote it and am glad you express thats always good remember your never alone when you think you're your not :] dont give in death isnt solove any of your problems but making them worse even if I dont know you just letting you know I care about you <3 amazing write keep it up
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oh no i dont think death will solve my problems. trust me ive been down that road of overdosing and hospitals. but anyway.this poem is very truthful i never write about events that happen but putting it in there along with my emotions seemed to really help. thank you for your lovely comment and even support in someone you dont even know. ha you wouldn't want to know me anyway. thanks for teh applause to, very considerate.
~Madi~
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