Hurt replaced adoration
when you lied
My heart aches
not for you,
but out of fear
for my evident vulnerability.
The desire to love
and be loved so strong
It overexaggerates
the true reality
and depth of your feelings
and mine.
I hold a vast majority
of the blame
in the breaking of my heart,
because I wanted to be loved
and I wanted you to love me
so badly.
So....What'd You Think? Just random thoughts piled together.
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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i don't think it needs more...sometimes so much can be expressed in a very simple way...it makes it more profound!!it's perfect the way it is!!
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this is pretty simple, but still good. it needs more though
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Please elaborate. It'd be appreciated.
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it just seems a bit empty, the feelings seem weak. but i dnt think u should change it cuz its a good poem
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I can really feel you on this one. I want to be loved too, but I can't find anyone just yet. My favorite part is:
"My heart aches
not for you,
but out of fear
for my evident vulnerability."
Beautiful write.
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ahh
more random thoughts, eh?
lol, i am just kidding. this is very pretty,and i like it. you could have put just a little more feeling, but i think you did a spectacular job!
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Thanks for commenting twice, lol.
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not bad ,
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In line 5 ...
you need to move that comma up to the end of line 4, for openers. I clicked on this accidently, but since I did, I'll say that this isn't bad, it just isn't poetry. It's prose chopped up into lines. When writing poetry, you need to do something to make it different from prose. It doesn't have to rhyme, but it should at least have some other poetic devices to help the flow along.
I hope this isn't the story of your life, since it is never good to allow yourself to be that vulnerable to others. You have to remember that being in love with someone is not equivalent to being a doormat for them.
Good luck with your writing in the future.
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Thanks, wrote this in a rush. I'll consider adding on poetic devices in the future, but for now this embodies what I itended it to be. Thanks for the constructive criticism though. Right beneath it it is revealed that it is neither prose nor poetry, but random thoughts piled together.
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I think it's fine
as far as expression and form goes, but there's a comma out of place on line 5. I've been there, so I can relate to the pouring out of random thoughts, just to get them out from the need to emotionally vent. I think it's well done, or at least a good start if you feel that something's missing. But as it came from within, you'll have to find it there. -
I love random thoughts piled together!! I often just sit and write what I'm thinking of a particular subject, I think usually they are the best verses because they come straight from the heart. I also like poetry that is simple, quite honestly I'm sick of reading verse that when you get to the end you think 'What the hell did that mean' I think if you understand then you can relate, and I could relate to what you wrote here!! What you expressed is such a truth for so many of us, the desire to be something to someone leaves us so wide open to being let down. It is so important to love and accept ouselves for who we are before we allow others to love us.
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Randomness is next to godliness I say!
It portrays a beautiful picture...great write!
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good work!!
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AWWWWW
your random thoughts are goergous! and if you randomly read ppls poems, people will read your back lovee. ^.^ very nice write. you could have put a tad bit more feeling into it.
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Dam...
such a sad piece cause all jus want the"perfect" relationship and not all get it but things can only get better before they get worse so dont fret about your love life cause i know theirs Mr.Right out there you jus have to be patient
Great Job!!! -Gore
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I think that this is a great poem. It has true expression and you can totally tell that what you were trying to do. You were giving your all, so where was he? I am so sorry that you had to feel that way. I guess thats just the nature of the situation.
I am sorry that noone stops by to read any of your stuff. It will get better, I am sure!
This was a great contribution to AP.
Thank you for all of your time.
God Bless you dear friend.
Have a great day!
~Only1love4ever
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