How drunk is drunk?
I think, I stink, I stank, I stunk.
To come walking in at a quarter 'till three?
With a handfull of shit, and a mouthfull of pee?
Claiming your wallet was stolen by
a car full of Nazi chimpanzees?
That's one way, I must say.
To put yourself in such glib display.
To scare your wife, and scar your kids,
and make your neighbours flip their lids.
But trust me when I say to you.
There are better ways to come unglued.
For instance, harken to this tale of olde
that I'll now chirp for you through poetry.
Of my dear old drunk uncle Chip...
The day he sold his penis, and ate his hip.
He had been down the street at Molly McWhores.
Snorting up bouillon, and picking his pores.
Trying to staunch a wicked nose bleed.
With a tube of silicon, and "My own Prison" by Creed.
My Aunt had been ringing the bar
"For fuck's sake, all night!". But they "Kept
making excuses, and aiding Chip's plight."
That's when she put on her Chevies and tied
down her splat, she laced up her cleats,
and duct taped the bat. "Good God!" Screamed
cousin Regina "She gonna do it again!"
(Referring back to sometime, but God only knows when).
That's when I made my dash, for the back door.
Having seen this type of 'thing', seen it before.
I knew in my gut it was far time to make haste
See, my palms had gone clammy, and there was
that metalic taste. At the tip of my tongue, 'pon
the roof of my mouth. When I get that feeling
it's time to head South, but as I turned the knob?
In came the slob. Uncle Chip was naked with
a watermelon cap, and in his left hand he carried
a map, at least so he claimed, in between belches.
He even had a note on his back that said,
"Chip Fucking Felches!".
His wife grabbed the map, and turned it around
to show? That indeed it was nothing mo' than a
tab & reciept from Molly McHo's. Then out came the
knife, as Uncle Chip broke wind. She shouted
"Tonight you were bad Chip, tonight you HAVE
SINNED!" Uncle Chip sobered up quick, and back
out the door slipped, but you could hear it quite
clearly when out popped his hip. His femur too
snapped, and that's how his crotch to his face?
Was open mouth lapped. (A proper Gobbling,
or what Pacific Islanders call a 'Lap snorkeling'.)
So thus concludes my holiday tale.
If you're going to drink my friend?
Think, and bring money for bail.
Oh, and the best reassurance?
Is good medical insurance!
Happy gift giving, and please
Be blessed if you're Gobbling!
Author notes
Written December 22nd, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- You ever really mess up somethin' good? by Lady Patricia.
300 points, ended November 27, 2005, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Please do, we all can't have a suburban pathetic plastic I'm a white republican christmas like you, now can we?
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Well, I don't really think that this is what I asked for in the contest. I really wanted something related to the holidays and while yours makes mention of the holidays, I don't really think that it is a "holiday" poem. Thanks for entering, but I am going to have to DQ your poem.
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Wow, I am, quite speechless. Saddest part it, I've had nights like this
Thanks for entering. The poem has a good moral to it, but I am not so sure about the symbols and allusions.... it certainly has imagery though.
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Omgoodness. You are too much. I just love it. Reminds me of the tales told round the campfire at family reunions after the kids are in their tents and the pipe makes it's way around.
Fabulous spin you have here.
~Bezoar -
LOL I see this poem once again has been entered, but at least this time I'm allowing such language and it is in the correct category so no complaints there grins as before this is a good poem, certainly makes me laugh. Congrats and thanks for entering smles
Sephiroth Hi No Tenshi -
hmmm.... I don't believe that alcohol is a probelm at all, The problem are the people. Guns dont kill people cigraettes dont kill people, drugs dont kill people, alcohol doesnt kill people. Stupid people do stupid things.
thanks for entering my contest and best of luck to you.
-thehittmann -
wow...best way to get ppl not to drink...lol...good poem
~*Colleen*~ 
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Ho HO W'
What? You got a billion of these scripts out there? I picture the entire valley papered with bits of blowing white pages - all emblazoned with a grainy Xerox of your face and, penciled across the nose - "HORUS8 SPUNA ALL YOU CAN EAT". Spielberg finds these in his mailbox, pasted to his windshield and taped to his back. Only Michael understands the darker impulses and offers you free room at NeverLand. (God knows where that came from)
This is the holidays as they are -- not some fake Hollywood snow-covered New England lodge scene where the stars gather to sing -- nah, its the gritty taste of dirty yellow snow mixed with dried brown needles from the Tiwanese nylon tree and served up with a six-pack of twinkies and Ho-Ho ho's down on the corner wishing the Johns would show 'cuz they're nearly ready to pay THEM just so they can get warm for a bit. Santa doesn't come flying in here because he's liable to be met with a 12-gauge and 10-year old gun toting gang-banging wanna-bees in track suits and Nike toques.
Actually I don't know where that came from either -- but what the hell, it works. I liked it, but was deeply offended in parts and was laughing greatly at those same parts, so I'm confused and I think, legally, you can't do that to people because it confuses them and when they get confused, they're confused. -
heh thankies... I'm sorry to have seemed so bad about that, and am more than happy to accept a poem that does follow the rules
grins think of it as a challenge not being able to use swear words.. Anyways.. it is a good poem as I said I like it, I was actually laughing while reading it! Keep up the good writing! ok? ok!
Sephiroth Hi No Tenshi aka Reb -
Shit, I must of been so excited to join your contest that I fucking skipped that part. Please forgive me, and thank you for allowing me to enjoy my first ammendment rights without it bothering you. Once again, my sincere apollogies, and good luck with your contest and your poetry!
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disqualified
I'm very sorry to say this... but I can not use this in my contest.. I did ask on the front page that swear words and adult topics not be used in poems on this contest, you've gone and used both... I do like this one but it is simply not appropiate for what I've asked for...
Sephiroth Hi No Tenshi -
God, good old uncle Chip he was quite a character! I remember when Dianne was running around in her neglige and little Jorge escaped from the stable and horsewhipped her all the way to Nooner's point. The neighbor's could here him screaming "Who's the weener now beech, who's the weener now!!"
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this first bit, would consider making is all one perspective. At the moment, I have two - I and you.
"How drunk is drunk?
You think, You stink, You stank, You stunk.
To come walking in at a quarter 'till three?
With a handfull of shit, and a mouthfull of pee?
Claiming your wallet was stolen by
a car full of Nazi chimpanzees?"
This I loved...
"(Referring back to sometime, but God knows only when)." Where it is placed in the poem and how it draws a picture but keeps the train on track. Very well done..
I agree, it is random, and the reason its good is that it is inspired by your imagination...and you draw some very vivid pictures...
"In came the slob. Uncle Chip was naked with
a watermelon cap, and in his left hand he carried
a map, at least so he claimed, in between belches"
Hehe what great imagery. I am sorry, I know I have somewhat dissected your poem, but it was well worth it and it gave me a good laugh. Well written humor.
Edited on Dec 23, 1:12 because ''. -
What a lovely thing to say, thank you.
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That could have been the most random thing I've ever read in my life, but good nonetheless. You win the random award for tonight.
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