When you put on,
nobody imagines
worlds you hide
under clothes.
So, when a day,
we have no notion
of stars shine
in wider skies.
But, night is naked,
naked in night,
your spaces beat
in vastness of darkness.
Knees shine,
navel blazes whisper
curves of concave
in abdominal lyre.
Your tiny mini
licked with laughs
of the robust trunk
in two little rhymes.
Swim, jump
down in an immersion
perpendicular
drown deep.
Author notes
~spiritualangel~
Prompt: Naked
73 Words
A contest entry
- Naked by AJ Morelli.
2500 points, ended June 3, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
i think you need a to work on the opening line, "When you put on,", there really is no subject, why not leave it out entirely and start with:
"Nobody imagines
worlds you hide
under clothes."
much more interesting and grabs the readers attention...
i think some editing is in order here, something like:
Nobody imagines
worlds you hide
under clothes,
on a day when
we have no notion
of star shine
in wider skies.
But night is naked;
your spaces beat
in vast darkness.
Knees shine,
navel blazes. whisper
curves of concave
abdominal lyre.
Your tiny mini licked
with laughs
of the robust trunk
in two little rhymes.
Swim, jump
immersed perpendicular
drown down deep.
just some thought, line breaks and punctuation would help this, and as a habit it is a good idea ( in case you don't) to read your poetry aloud when writing, some of the clumsiness and vagaries usually stand out when you do
having said that, this was lovely and heartfelt, thank you so much for entering it here
al
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