in the bowl between hip bones
in soft fleshy flesh
in dark
unclaimed night;
a hand rests
m
Author notes
-
A contest entry
- Naked by AJ Morelli.
2500 points, ended June 3, 31 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
-
Nicely done
Wow that is pretty sweet, I like the bowl between the hip bones part, very clever
-
Wow! I can tell you that your stuff is good, publishable to say the least, not that I am an expert,
Another poem to contemplate over a week then come back to
-
"unclaimed night" is the hinge. The new colony populated with savages, wild women without religion and dangerous insects and pathogens, all of it deceptively calm, invitingly tranquil. I think I'm about to come.
-
Congratulations!!!
-
for me the word naked always relates to vulnerability and i can imagine no subject that approaches that level of nakedness than the one you present...
there is solitude and vulnerability here, there is a glimpse into a nakedness that rarely is spoken of, but you have and have done so masterfully...
a sure contender here
al -
"...in the bowl between hip bones..." Yessss! I love being taken aback with just a few words. Good luck. Love, Lane
-
its gorgeous ... lovely piece
lisa's suggestion is great ...
peace
flows beautifully into 'in the bowl between hip bones' (and oh my, what a fabulous line!) ...
if i might throw in my perception and confuse you further ...
if 'a hand rests' becomes the title
and you lead straight into 'in the bowl between'
and end on 'quiet settles' ...
its very peaceful without having to lead us in the title ... (readers can be trusted)
ok .. two options ...
that above
or ... peace as the title
going straight into 'in the bowl'
and ending on
a hand rests (but deleting 'quiet settles' )
its really .... a lovely piece >>> Gina -
-
somehow i missed this-
a lot of wonderful ideas to chAW on.
am definitely going to do just that
m
-
-
beautiful
-
Hi Mary,
I'd be tempted to start the poem with the second line which is more of an attention grabber than "a hand rests" well at least I think so but in the immortal word of Passionvine, "What the eff do I know?"
Additionally, I wonder about the order of the last line something about this makes me want to end on a hand rests.
there is something soothing, almost lullaby-like about the sound for me when those two lines at the end are reversed and the "and" removed:
quiet settles
a hand rests
Good luck in the contest!
Lisa
-
-
yep-
and this is why you are so good at what you do -
-
it has like a meditation prayer feeling....
-
-
you know me- i've popped that and on and off 15 times... can't decide.
i do think your thoughts are worthy of contemplation-
especially the final switch of lines.. hmmm
thanks so much..
nice to see you
m
-
-
I'm glad you're writing again. "soft fleshy flesh" is just amazing- I can actually feel the phrase. Wonderful writing, Mary.
- namita
-
-
-
I've missed your words.
-
Gorgeous.
-
yep, quietly beautiful.
-
beautiful
-
The "fleshy flesh" was a bit offsetting, but otherwise, I thought this was fabulous, especially the last two lines. I always love your work.
-Cristina -
hush
this is lovely
elaine
-
i am a voyuer through the slats of light, brimming through the blinds onto the soft linen and bodied formed
hmmmm - intimate and demanding...
bloody marvelous stuff luv
G.X
-
yes, quiet in the night can be a most remarkable moment...beautiful poetry...PK
-
Definately a peaceful, quiet and intimate moment you've captured here... lovely tight piece of writing.
~ Nicolette
-
And how nice that touch is when night is peaceful and two are captured in the darkness to sleep, close together and at one with the smallest part of the world; their own. Just stunning. Love, C
Adding your comment:
1 - 26 of 26
