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Will Love Stay Infinite... At Ninety-Five Miles Per Hour?

molten lust, Burning tires
a metallic heat --- creaming through veins
at ninety-five miles per hour

passion turned up,  deafening  the road ahead
the rear view  forgotten, as only the now is seen
the right turn off the cliff,

free ---falling,The heart stopping, drowning

to a grace of ghostly sheets.
chemistry steaming at the tips of sensitivities 
delicate Whispers licking ears,
the sweet little nothings creating everything
gravity melts dripping their embrace
divine vulnerability trembling skin
the intoxication of liquefied safety
Encased in blissful surrender

--- creaming through veins
  at ninety-five  miles per hour
the final plunge. reality. a bladed shock. 
slicing clean time begins again
nailing bliss to the floor,
the timeless steaming, shaping clouds untouchable
Gas wringing dry,the finish 2 inches away.

an  organic heat, thriving green expansion

the  last of anticipation of breathless inhales
the end of  euphoric suffocation,the every day breath  returns,

will he still feel her?
Will she still feel him?
The passionate exasperation?
Will they  stay in the infinite,
washing over in waves, on the roads together?
will love stay infinite..
at ninety-five miles per hour?

Author notes

SoulfulBubbles
"Canker Sores And Other Distractions"

i think 32 lines

A contest entry

thoughts, suggestions, criticism, ideas, questions? anything?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • zhaniswolf
    September 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    gee wiz... when you move too fast, is it really love or lust? lovely piece that I'm going to have to share. great job.


  • Night Terrors
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this was great thanks for entering it I enjoyed reading it


  • FakingItForReal
    July 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for re-entering!!! I'm anxious to read this.
    (I'm commenting as I'm reading by the way)

    I'm not too fond of the 2nd line in the first stanza, put something more powerful in there. Possibly why your on the road?

    The line:
    "free ---falling,The heart stopping, drowning"
    would look better like this:
    "Free falling,
    My heart stopped"
    or something like that, the drowning bit seemed a little cliche.

    (When and if you do make these edits, feel free to delete this comment, or message me and I can do it, if you want)

    This:
    "to a grace of ghostly sheets."
    May need to be this:
    "to the grace of ghostly sheets."
    As far as I know you used the word 'grace' incorrectly, but I'm not quite sure.

    "the tips of sensitivities"
    Great line.

    I love the way your using personification.

    I really think you should get rid of the "creaming through veins" part. You could put something SO MUCH more impacting there.

    Grammar correction:
    "the final plunge. reality. a bladed shock."
    should be:
    "the final plunge, reality, a bladed shock."

    AMAZING imagery in this line:
    "an organic heat, thriving green expansion"

    I love what you're trying to say here:
    "the last of anticipation of breathless inhales "
    And I understand what you're trying to say, but I think you could convey it more clearly. I was thinking something along the lines of:
    "the anticipation of my last breath
    died off in it's prime"
    or something like that.
    Excuse the bad example, I'm thinking on the spot here. Hahahaha

    "will they stay in the infinite"
    should be:
    "will they stay infinite"

    Okay, I just finished it and I LOVED it!
    Let me give it another once-over before I go on...
    Anyways, I really enjoyed reading this, sorry for the long comment, the only other thing I can suggest is that you break up your lines at commas more.
    To enhance the flow of the pause that a comma provides


    • SoulfulBubbles
      July 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Damn! thank you so much! (even tho it sucks fish crackers to be D'Qed, again =_=)
      thank you for the critique it helps alot i am eager to edit,

    • FakingItForReal
      July 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Oh my God, I didn't realize my comment was a friggin' novel!!!!
      DAMN IT! I also didn't realize until now that I have to DQ your entry because it already has a gold medal. I'm sorry, I really did enjoy this though.


  • whos my humblepie
    July 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Very well done! This is what is called a poem.

    Ninety-five miles per hour would be best, rather than 95.
    You are so definitely a finalist.
    GREAT JOB


  • Weetzie bat
    July 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i did enjoy reading your poem, but there was a bit of repetition that sort of urked me. I'm glad that you were able to get your point across, and that your spacing and phrasing, and imagery were all really intense in great proportion

    the intoxication of liquefied safety
    Encased in blissful surrender

    I also appreciated your word choice.
    thank you for entering my contest.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    July 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Honestly, I like this.

    I don't like a lot of the repetition of words (and there is a lot of that) but I like the uniqueness of the piece.

    Some good images, some so ordinary they really aren't needed.

    But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't tell you that the ending needs major work. It loses me completely. The questions detract and there is no wow at all in the end for me


  • Blooming Poet
    June 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    amazing theme, so very creative. Defintitly a lessoned learned for you. Great poem amazing theme. Not much I can say to make it better


  • UnicornSparkleVomit
    June 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i love dit... im jealous.


  • RawrSmileBabyPlz
    June 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow very interesting i like it alot its very very well written and worded so greatly. And plus you made the point that you were trying to make. Thanks for entering my contest i wish you the best of luck. ..<3.. Shelly


  • toomysterious
    June 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is just an awesome write. What more can be said?


  • Connor Blackbird
    June 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You know, if this is at all like "Animals" - the Nickelback song - then it is a greatly improved version indeed. Your phrasing and spacing are original and appropriate, and seem to capture very well the mindset that someone writing this kind of poem would have. You waver between the very opaquely phrased and the very transparent, and between the overview and the personal, with great skill. The result is a decidedly authentic retelling of events. Impressive.


  • Muffinlady
    June 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    It reminded me of Nickleback's song Animals.

    =)


  • Metaphorist
    June 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Great job with this. Your diction is superb and I appreciate the format as well. Thanks for entering and best of luck.

  • Muffinlady
    June 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this poem is so graphic with your choice of words.. it reminds me of a song that I've heard.

    i think its wonderful =)


  • theredcatjazzoflove gold member
    May 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i like this i think you did a great job totally i am jealous this my contest how you going to enter a great piece in some one else contest its ok you dont love me

1 - 22 of 22