The Truth

The truth about the Courtney-person =)

I feel like this is something I need to do...

1) To spread awareness. I feel like I can change people’s perspectives, and help people who were in my situation. And I would LOVE to help somebody keep from making the same mistake my friends made.

2) A little bit out of idealism. I've been thinking lately, and I've concluded that my life would be so much simpler if people could read my mind, or tell what kind of person I am more easily. =) I guess I don’t have much to hide.

3) Because I shouldn't have to be ashamed of it! Right now I'm so excited, I feel like I could tell anyone.

Some of you may have noticed how different I've been this year compared to 9th and most of 10th grade. Well, here goes:

I HAVE OVERCOME DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. I have overcome what was, at times, an unspeakable darkness, a life-halting force, a curse that kept me from being happy when I should have been, for months and months at a time. I completely crashed—I have rebuilt myself anew. It tore my faith to pieces; my heart did not work right. There were times when I couldn’t even make the littlest decisions because I knew that my brain did not work right. But these are the obstacles I fought against.

April 4, 2007--I was diagnosed at the doctor's office.
May 15, 2008--I pumped my fist in the air and yelled "I DID IT!" and I was truly happy and proud for the entire length of time it took to do so... and longer.

I DID IT!!

One of the things that makes depression so hard to get over is, even once you've made real progress and don't need to see a shrink anymore, you're happy-chemical-reservoir is still so low you still can't really celebrate it. Or celebrate anything. May 15 was the day that I realized I had finally made it far enough that I could celebrate. That I was finally like "This is like... Joy."


I never had meds. They're hard to come by. Gave up after about six months of trying to get them. When I decided that the shrinks were doing me more harm than good.

So how did I do it?

~I WAS NOT ALONE. I had my best friends Megan Tench and David Frick, and I had my mom. Really, anyone and everyone who I've been able to consider a friend has helped so much.

~The Jamboree!!!!!! The Jamboree helped me so much. It gave me something to be enthusiastic about, friends in all parts of the world. Even though I felt like Fort Mill sucked, I never felt like the world did. The world is beautiful and colorful and amazing, and I have friends in all parts of it.

~Positive thinking. =) Happiness runs in a circular motion! & reverses the downward spiral. It's a chore, yeah, when you're positive-chemically-deficient, but it was exercise & it made them stronger. About everyday, I started making lists on Word, giving each bullet a different color and font. Little things, like:

Ko’s class was funny today.
I have COFFEE!!! ^.^
I'mma gonna kick ass on the Chem quiz.
Ryan gave me an Oreo using Superpoke!

I surrounded myself with LITTLE THINGS I liked. Like, colorful things were good. So were frappuccinos, the beach, dark chocolate, fleece blankets, stuffed animals, youtube, anime, books, & goofy pictures. These didn't just cheer me up, they helped me rediscover what I liked & who I was.

~Accomplishment. Little things, like kicking ass on a chem quiz, talking to a crush, making a nice long list of positive thoughts, working on my book, going running, getting all my homework done, anything. That's probably the thing I did most actively to battle the negative chemicals... pursue a sense of accomplishment.

~There were certain revelations that helped me a lot:

A large part of my depression was some people who had hurt me. The day I realized that rebuilding friendships with them WAS NOT MY PROBLEM—It was their responsibility, and if they couldn't take it I was better off without them—was the day I felt like I could BREATHE again.

The realization that... the fact that I loved them so much--the reason that they were able to hurt me so much--was not something WRONG with me. It was something RIGHT with me.

The realization that self-esteem is good for you! It was okay for me to feel good about myself.



SO WHAT EXACTLY was the great mistake that my friends made, that amplified my depression so much and cost us all friendships?

THEY DIDN’T NOTICE. I changed dramatically when the depression and anxiety took over, all in a matter of weeks. Like, I used to be really cheerful and even goofy all the time, but suddenly I more or less stopped talking. I was looking down all the time, I had hives on my arms from the anxiety, I was always on edge and insecure, I had tears in my eyes half the time, and sometimes I even looked nauseous. They didn’t catch a thing. They didn’t notice when I changed and they didn’t know me in the first place—THEY DIDN’T CARE.

As Megan likes to say, a best friend is someone who, even when you fall flat on your face & screw up & make a total ass of yourself, will be able to look you in the eye and say “You know what? I love you anyway.” I love them anyway. ^.^ That’s what’s right with me, I guess.

I also want to say that I WAS NEVER “DANGEROUS.” Some people think that people who have depression and anxiety are dangerous psychos or something. And I know, some of them do turn into dangerous psychos. But most of them DO NOT. Most of them just NEED people to be nice to them and care about them—a good chunk of them are actually excessively passive people, like me—and if fear of psycho-ness is keeping people from reaching out to them, that’s just WRONG. ~The people who have mental illnesses are the people who need friends most of all.~

And my battle plan now? I AM GOING TO BE EVERYTHING THAT I CAN BE. I AM GOING TO MAKE THE MOST OF MY LIFE FROM THIS POINT ONWARD. I AM GOING TO SEIZE EVERY DAY LIKE IT’S THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE. I’M GOING TO MAKE SOMETHING WONDERFUL OF MY LIFE AND MYSELF. THE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY ARE NO LONGER THERE TO STOP ME. THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN STOP ME IS ME. AND I’M NOT GOING TO STOP LOVING THE WAY I DO. EVEN DESPITE WHAT IT COST ME, I KNOW THAT IT WAS WHERE MY TRUE STRENGTH LAY ALL ALONG.

I am a good person. I am a strong person. But most of all I am a loving person. And I will always be that to you. And by “you,” I mean everyone, whether you want me to be or not, & whether you deserve it or not.

& My Message Is:
LOVE people. If you’re going to be friends with someone, do it right. Love yourself; fight for your life. Fight your obstacles and don’t give up. Remember who you are. Remember who your friends are. Don’t worry your life away. The world is colorful. What makes people different is what makes them beautiful. There are always good things, comforting things, positive things. But the most important thing you can always do is Love. Live life right.

Love,
Your friend,
Courtney

“Depression is the most common mental health disorder in the United States among teens and adults, and can have a serious impact on the lives of the many teens who suffer from depression.
Statistics show that teen depression is a common problem:
• About 20 percent of teens will experience teen depression before they reach adulthood.
• Between 10 to 15 percent of teenagers have some symptoms of teen depression at any one time.
• About 5 percent of teens are suffering from major depression at any one time
• As many as 8.3 percent of teens suffer from depression for at least a year at a time, compared to about 5.3 percent of the general population.
• Most teens with depression will suffer from more than one episode. 20 to 40 percent will have more than one episode within two years, and 70 percent will have more than one episode before adulthood. Episodes of teen depression generally last about 8 months.
• Dysthymia, a type of mild, long-lasting depression, affects about 2 percent of teens, and about the same percentage of teens develop bipolar disorder in their late teenage years. 15 percent of teens with depression eventually develop bipolar disorder.
• A small percent of teens also suffer from seasonal depression, usually during the winter months in higher latitudes.”
~Copy-pasted from http://www.teendepression.org/articles5.html