Should I tell you
I live in the susurrus
of love like a tongue
when only my body
knows the magnitude?
Roused in the irony
of not breathing --
a kind of Tutankhamun
with breasts that house
a wild drum.
It is taped tacit
by the deficit
in written words
and does not map the
anatomy of expression
like hands.
Author notes
Help me? It doesn't feel sufficient.
A contest entry
- Big Bash for Old Friends and New by ten thousand cicadas.
800 points, ended May 21, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
HELP!!
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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you write love beautifully and the title is smile inducing
oh, and I now need to look up "susurrus". I will thank you in a few minutes for teaching me a new word lol.
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i have o poem called palms,which sort of talks in the same manner as this,idunno,not to make myself stand out,just saying lol
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I think I live close by you...this is excellent, congrats on the gold, Allyce..
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Very nice ...
and very nicely done. Congrats on the Gold.
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It is sufficient. The rest is left for hands.
Marvelously wrought. The imagery is amazing with the suffocation of the mummy and the tape. Just WoW! The opening with the susurrus--gasp! or rather, shhhh!
So many marvelous phrases--the anatomy of expression. I'm just totally impressed! Thanks for a great entry.
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you smoothed this out nicely since i first read it, Allyce.
simply brilliant, and i don't bandy that designation around often.
the yearning in this comes through clear as a crystal bell.
this piece is beautiful
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Reading this again it reminded me of something I've read about "words can't carry feelings; the weight is on us".
But you carry that weight so very well.
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"words can't carry feelings; the weight is on us".
That pretty much sums this up! I guess if you're going to carry it, you may as well try and do it well
Thank youuuuuuuu
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I liked the metaphor you've applied here. The feeling of being strapped and taped, a sense of containment where the words can't breathe or you can't find the words of your breast and your hands and body can't express it.
Love this poem, Allyce. My only suggestion is perhaps to make it "written words" and removing the ";" and add "and" before "does not map.." - it falls better on the ear that way.
But this is great poetry - wish I had written this!
~ Nicolette
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yum;
"I live in the susurrus
of love like a tongue"
Exquisite.
There's something about this stanza;
It is taped tacid
by the deficit
in written word;
yet, I can't put my finger on it. Take out 'the'
and put in another word? Maybe, 'mere', and change
in to of? I don't know, just a weak suggestion, lol.
Regardless, you amaze and stun me stupid hon. lol.
Love this.
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well... the poem {after I read two times and used a dictionary for some words lol} does actually drive to the title... I understood that lyrics and songs cannot provide the touch, real touch a hand or a kiss could.. but touches deep in our souls which is actually true....
may I ask but, what is Tutankhamun???
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i love it. perhaps you should try removing ";" from "in written word;" and adding "and" before the following line. just a thought, dude. i don't know. i like how this is written anyway. :/
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