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Cancel you out.

I leave you laying in putrid collections of water.

We’d spilt
not joined at birth
and for twenty-five years
You pulled at strings,
secretly attached.

Under your reign
I was the fool here
the black sheep there,
always a failing
                       embarrassment.

Now,
        taking down my evil
        

                       dominating her reign

 

 

I cancel out captivity.
      

        She won’t
                        constrict again.

Author notes

I went over im sorry 57 words....


There seems to be comfusion in regards to what I am writing about, so I'm adding this in.

I am writing from the angle of split personalities etc..being born and the darkside of me splits away and takes control...for so much of my life etc etc...but I become strong and I take her down...only me-Good reigns again...etc...

Your welcome to take from it what ever you like but I just got a few comments of different takes etc, that I had to straighten it up.


http://designingdivas.deviantart.com/art/Pray-For-Us-Sinners-by-bp-girl-78824447

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • XXxXBassMeisterxXxX
    June 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I loved it. I have teh same struggle( who doesn't). It was a beatiful write and even better read. Thanks for entering the contest.


    • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
      June 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah who doesnt is right I reckon we have all, or most experienced something like this etc

      Thanks


  • jcat gold member
    May 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well I knew exactly what you were talking about when I read this and thinks it's kinda funny that you lost a few but hey!!! It's all good!!! I think that you did an amazing job on making this NOT cliche!! Very well done and I thank you for entering my contest


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    May 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I can't believe I haven't commented on this!!! I thought I had!!! grrr... but that's cause I read it earlier

    FANTASTIC!!! That's the only word to describe this... the inner conflict that we all can suffer at times... you have worded this so brilliantly...

    This is so close to me it's scary!!

    Wowzers!!!





  • SuicidalLover
    May 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh....I like it..sometimes we need those extra words to make a better point. A heartfelt poem penned. I wish you luck!
    ~Kystal Angel


  • forethought
    May 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was really good write, and it held a lot of raw and very real emotion. It is easy to understand your frustration, as, even with the details, the concept is general enough to be applied to many more situations than the one you may have been referring to. I like how you incorporated your title into your poem, but you didn't put it in the first line, or in each stanza, or the last line or something. That was decidedly refreshing. I don't think that the free verse stanzas added a lot to the poem; I think maybe if you kept the lines to more concrete stanzas, you could further incorporate your theme of not being confined, by displaying a form of the opposite through your form. Not using rhyme would indicate trying to break free from the form; ot would be a little more symbolic, and I think it would add a lot to your poem. not that it needs that much, of course ^_^


    • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
      May 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your advice but it is perfect in my eyes and love exactly how it is structered..


  • Ravensdark
    May 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Mothers you gotta love 'em....if only cause you can't disown them.....even when they treat us like pawns in games to suite themselves....Strong write

    • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
      May 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      its not about mothers..its about having a dark side, they split at birth and good had no control over dark etc..for so long...until good stood up and took over darks reign.

      sorry


  • Lil-Bit Crazy
    May 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    really wonderful.... great job here... gooooooooood luck in this contest.... thank you for sharing your heart...


  • AusStar
    May 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm, I read this wondering who you are writing about, but no matter who you are writing about, I sense and UNDERSTAND your frustration, there is always someone who constricts us isn't there. I so love the line 'I leave you laying in putrid collections of water.' It's brilliant!!!!

    • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
      May 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I am writing about myself...though its not rel

      i am say ing when i was born i had a dark side too, that split form me, controlled me for so long etc...but a day came I took her down me, the good, reigned again

      • AusStar
        May 18, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        Wow!! Yes it makes perfect sense when you read it in that perspective, not that it wouldn't make perfect sense if it was another person you were writing about. like casting off someone who is holding you down and restricting you, or someone who is a bad influence on you. But in the perspective of it being your evil self its even more amazing!!

        • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
          May 18, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          . A few have taken different takes and coming back to it today , I can definetly see how easy it would be to do that , lol

          Maybe it need smore work..hard when on a word restrictions lol and im already 7 words over hehe

          Glad I could help you see where I ws coming from with it

          and even more amazing , aw thank you


          Cindy

1 - 17 of 17