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A Sensitive Side

Behind
  eyes

the fires
  dried


lies
    a fiercely
    guarded prize

Author notes

Prompt: Dragon Tears
Picture:
http://artissima.deviantart.com/art/Dragon-s-Tear-49829242

Had to do 11 words, forgive me!! Couldn't find a way to reduce it in which I was still happy with the end result.

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A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    May 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wahoo... love the rhyme! And the write says a lot! We all have inner prizes we guard..


  • Cyber Artist Moderators member
    May 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It always amazes me how when forced under the restrictions of competition we often create little gems like this although I have been able to produce the odd bit of crap too nicely done works well.
    Cyber Artist


  • notorious gold member
    May 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    My favorite lines:

    "lies a fiercely guarded prize"
    Subtle rhyming worked in with 'lies' and 'prize'. Great job here!

    However, the entire thing had flawless flow and images of dragons...nicely done.

    Suggestions:

    You can get rid of the 'and'...please don't make me disqualify you!! LoL because I really don't want to...let me know if you decide to get rid of 'and' (or any other word you deem as dispensable). I don't want to trump all over your artistic license, but the contest did say specifically 10 words!

    Or, you could get rid of one of the two descriptions (e.g. "fiery eyes" and "scaley hide"--I love description as much as anyone else, but if you ousted one of them, you could squeeze in 2-3 more words).

    "Behind"
    Maybe use 'Within'?
    Both work equally well in the context, it's up to you.

    Thanks for entering, and sorry about the word-amount difficulty you encountered.


    • Weltt
      May 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Upon looking at the contest again i saw you said "exactly". sorry! had i caught that the first time would have fixed it right away.


    • Weltt
      May 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your suggestions. I have fixed it and i think I actually like it more now. some contest hosts let those slip wasn't sure if you would or not. But they are your hard earned points so therefor I have tried to meet your demands. Thank you again!!


      • notorious gold member
        May 18, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        It definitely is better now!!

        "the fires dried" sounds incredibly poetic (and what do you know? It still rhymes)

        Although...should fires be 'fire's' with an apostrophe? I think it should be.


        • Weltt
          May 18, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          I was thinking about the apostrophe but felt it didn't need it. it's neither possesive nor "fire is" it's just fires as plural form


          • notorious gold member
            May 18, 2008

            Edit | Reply
            Hmm...
            I still am inclined to 'fire's' because I think it looks better...but you're right--it's not possessive, and it's not saying 'fire is' either...Rawr!!

            However...fire is a noun...maybe it does need an apostrophe. Oh screw it, just leave it however you want it--apostrophe rules aren't usually confusing, but this is quite the riddle...LoL

1 - 9 of 9