Daddy always kneeled--
but it was Momma who prayed,
as he spread lips that couldn't dissent,
no matter how much they trembled.
She was always naked for him
bleeding babies upon the floor,
while he explored their cradle,
fingering walls absently--
assessing her foundation;
Momma prayed for simple things,
blankets and frigidity--
anything to create separation;
Where naked wouldn't matter
under the cloak of autonomy;
And the only grasping thoughts--
would be her own.
A contest entry
- Naked by AJ Morelli.
2500 points, ended June 3, 29 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 20 lines or less... by Shenanigans.
900 points, ended June 6, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Deep thinkers, Give me some soul! by Amunet Wolfbane.
900 points, ended August 30, 23 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Congrautlations on your Gold. a well done deep poem.
so glad I stopped by to read it.
Blessings,
Frozentearz -
An exceptionally well written and sad piece,
So many women experience this sort of situation, and can't, won't or are too frightened to do anything about it....so very sad.
A very powerful write and beautifully done.
Ann
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Oh damn, this is a powerfully moving piece, especially for being a shorter piece. The scene that went through my mind reminded me much of my youth (won't go there). It sucks when it seems one is used only for pleasure instead of being cherished for who they are. Exceptionally well done.
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Applause-Applause!
What a poem!
Truly pierces the heart wide open!
Thankyou for the fearless courage and inspiration
it took to write this vivid and real poem!
What a blessing it is to use our pens so mightily!
ears/Seattle applause-applause-applause!
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This brought tears to my eyes. It is filled with raw emotion. Congrats on the other trophies and thank you so much for entering.
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Awesome
I too had to think about the meaning of some words. Raw and Naked says it all and more. Very graphic, but very well written for maximum effect. Take care and keep writing.
Rhon
. Rewarded 4
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Wow
I obviously couldn't resist reading this
after sampling the title.
Naked and raw.
I almost felt like a voyeur
and had to close my eyes...
Imagine.
. Rewarded 4
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oh man! This is a really vivid poem. The imagery is crazy. I had to pause a minute on "lips that couldn't dissent..." followed by 'oh...' 'eww...' and 'man thats creative...' I also loved the phrase "bleeding babies." as a verb for childbirth. Great write, most excellent luck in the contest.--Shannon
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This is a sad poem that seems to indicate a disillusionment with married life. It is well written and flows nicely. Great job.
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Disturbing indeed. Perhaps the household could have used an infusion of high-quality drugs.
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This deserved more...
wow.
Naked, as it gets.
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This is oh so my stunning...
One of your best I do believe.
Congrats on the HM...a lot of talent in this contest, but you stood with them and came through it with a wonderful poem.
Becky
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I agree...this is stunning work...Congrats
Love, Lane
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this is an excellent entry, very provocative and intense and contender in this thing....
thanks for entering it here
al -
wow...this is really cool. disturbing in a way, yet ironically beautiful...
good work =] -
woa...this one disturbed me. great word choice.
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I like this, because there is a very clear (but subtly stated) meaning beyond the text on the page. The last two stanzas really hit the proverbial nail on the head, and I love the way you grouped together "blankets and frigidity," two seemingly different things that can both function as protective barriers--the "cloak of autonomy" of which you speak. You also made purposeful use of punctuation and line separation. Overall, nice job, and good luck in the contest.
. Rewarded 8
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Superb
Wow! A most excellent write.
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To be honest, I'm not really sure what kind of comment to leave on this. I had to reread it several times, not because it was difficult to understand, but because your words made me want to read more, but alas, the poem had finished.
Best of luck in the contest.
Keira
--- pink.glitter.hearts
. Rewarded 6
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Brilliant!
I also had to reread this awesome piece, as it was difficult for me to grasp the first time - and the font was a wee bit too small for these old eyes. I love the profound imagery - the universal plight of womanhood, it seems (at least, it was, once upon a time, I believe)... Great job!! Best of luck in this contest, you've writen a masterpeice!!! Peace, Cyn
. Rewarded 6
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Wow.. a very deep write, as well as painful. The imagery just really took my breath away, wonderful piece and keep it up.
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Hi there,
It's rare that I see a poem that makes me pause, and then reread it. Powerful imagery, vivid and shocking - just what makes the poem work. The one bit I'd mention as a pseudo-critique would the that the ellipses don't add to the dramatic feel of the ending. A period might make it more final, a sharper cut off point. (That and I have a strong dislike of ellipse use (: )
Still good poem, hands down. Lovely piece.
. Rewarded 8
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That's fantastic!
So so very good... I could feel every word like a razor scraping at my soul, and filling me with compassion for the woman, and for the man with such a callus soul...
Incredible!
I want you to win... You earned it!
. Rewarded 4
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What profound characterization I find in these lines. And their views of one another also so prominent. I love the way Momma's strength is so apparent despite the predicament she finds herself in. Excellent irony.
Your images are so vivid and and the flow and phrasing of your thoughts are perfect to set this scene. This piece is totally emotionally riveting. Just loved it. -
Raw, edgy and so well explained in metaphor. The strength of the piece to me is that although written in the third person, it can still be taken as personal. Well done. Love, C
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This is very well written, a unique take on the prompt. I had a bit of difficulty with the font. Best wishes in the contest.
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