Daddy always kneeled--
but it was Momma who prayed,
as he spread lips that couldn't dissent,
no matter how much they trembled.
She was always naked for him
bleeding babies upon the floor,
while he explored their cradle,
fingering walls absently--
assessing her foundation.
Momma prayed for simple things,
blankets and frigidity--
anything to create separation;
Where naked wouldn't matter
under the cloak of autonomy;
And the only grasping thoughts--
would be her own.
Author notes
C u p c r a z y
In a list
A contest entry
- Deep thinkers, Give me some soul! by Amunet Wolfbane.
900 points, ended August 30, 2008, 22 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Win $50, and be published in the next Allpoetry Book! Relationships theme by Kevin.
400 points, ended March 5, 115 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 59 of 59
-
This work is absolutely stunning. I hope you are very proud of it.
My only suggestion would be to watch your punctuation, especially the semicolons, which get excessive.
As the stanzas often have different thoughts and connect but not so entirely, the only place I found the semicolon to be appropriate was at the end of the third stanza and after "autonomy" in the final stanza. Those two stanzas connect and depend on each other fully, but the second stanza should stand on its own with a period.
Beautiful beautiful work. It really tells a complex story.
-
-
Thanks Mia, yes this is one of my favorite writes, well except when people don't get it. lol. Thanks for the tip on the semi colon, I only used three in the piece and two were correct as you mentioned, so I went ahead and changed the other after foundation. I usually hate using any punctuation preferring just line breaks, but usually catch hell from the punctuation nazi's, lol. Thanks again for a great contest and I am glad that I found the time to join in. Hugs, Bunny
-
-
i really love the subtle power this poem holds. it's sort of obscure, and your the way you describe things is pretty humbling. it makes me want to see beauty everywhere.
i love the beginning and how it could be taken literally or just as well as symbolically. "bleeding babies upon the floor" is rich with beautiful imagery and just the perfect amount of edge. i love that line.
i think this poem has a lot to do with vulnerability, and even the poem itself and the words you chose are so vulnerable.
by "dissent" you mean abandon/discard, right? if you are talking about disagreement, i think, for me personally, the poem loses some of its wonder. i really can't think of much else to say because i just really like this one, haha! sorry! -
-
Thanks so much Gemma for your comments and understanding of this piece and yes the whole poem is about vunerabilitiy, especially a woman's . I am so glad this piece spoke to you. Hugs, Bunny
-
-
Back soon to leave you my own critical comment, but note that:
***Final date for comments that count towards the contest: Tomorrow, Sunday, November 8th by midnight.
Final date for revisions towards contest: Tuesday, November 10 by noon.***
The contest will be judged on Wednesday, November 11.
-
Hmm.. Naked Dissent.. it means disagreement, so who is disagreeing about what with who? It's the father's lips which can't disagree, but since he's the one who kneels without meaning why is he the one who can't dissent? Aren't his actions showing that he's the one who dissents? It seems like a pretty straightforward, relatively concrete kind of work here but the opening line and title do confuse me as to what might actually be meant here. It's about flawed man from the fall, but what about this whole dissent issue; isn't that important to the whole as well, so where does that all fit in I wonder.. maybe I just missed something, but that for me was confusing and if not important it should be played around with to what is really the central idea.
In the second stanza it states their cradle and her foundation; so as he explores the cradle, it's not the children he's curious about but the mother (plural/singular, so I assume it has to be the mother instead of a specific child)? Some sort of twisted exploration to see how she'll respond, but sadly all she does is hide and try to keep herself away from him as much as possible instead of protecting her children? The ending does seem quite selfish for her as well.. it's all about her freedom and escape; but what did you mean by autonomy precisely? I see some varying definitions that deal with church regulation, authority, etc. so I wonder if it means escaping from God (it's some sort of issue she's blaming God on so she wants to escape from Him too or something; or just her husband's authority?) or not.. I'd definitely have to say this does hit some personality and mental/emotional depth; short, dark, and definitely icky for me.. and though you can feel for the mother, if she puts herself first.. as far as I'm concerned, fuck her. Anyways though, here's to a future where we all find freedom from this nightmare. -
-
yes you totally missed this piece, your analogies are no where close to the mark I'm afraid, I don't even know how to respond to your comments since they are totally out there in left field. You did not understand the metaphors and they are really not that complicated and I just have no clue how you came by the understanding that you did. Thanks for taking the time to comment but maybe you should try to understand the piece a little better before you jump to negative conclusions such as icky and fuck her.
-
-
There's a lot I like about this poem.
I wonder what the perspective of the poem is here. While the words "Daddy" and "Mommy" would indicate a child speaking, the lack of judgment that is portrayed, despite the obvious failings of the father figure make me wonder if the writer is someone else, or is a child who has come so far that they can look back at the pain caused by a parent (to themselves and the rest of the family) and yet understand that the individual was dealing with his own demons, and somehow one must find it in themselves to forgive. I kind of get that feel from the last line in the first stanza:
"no matter how much they trembled."
To me this spoke of someone who recognized the demons the Dad might have been dealing with.
The imagery in the second stanza is powerful. Using clear, straightforward language a picture is painted of a poor mother in a very rough situation, standing strong for the rest of her family, using her faith (stanza 3) to remain strong. At the same time, her prayers give some more insight into the painful world that she lives in.
It's a powerful piece, and one that is extremely well written. I honestly can not find a word I would change in this poem. Remind when the contest is over and I will return to offer my applause for this piece. It definitely deserves it!! -
-
Thanks so much for your review of this piece. Your understanding of where I was coming from is just wonderful, this tells me that my piece is coming through loud and clear and I really must also commend you for having the insight to pick up on something that few do and that is that I was the child speaking, now the adult, and yes I can look back on it without blame for either, but with sadness for both. I so appreciate the time and attention you paid my work. Hugs, Bunny
-
-
Obviously, by virtue of the trophies you have won with this poem, you must know how good it is! It is successful because you have taken an unusual theme and written about it in a profoundly emotional manner. The vivid imagery you have employed here makes me sad and the flow of the poem was very fluid but what really struck my attention was the perspective that it was written in. The voice is so clear and yet, the poet could be the woman in the poem or a spectator just as easily.
Artistically speaking, it is starkly written. The font is austere without slipping totally into depression. This allows the poem to stand on its own merits and passion while the vocabulary used gives insight into an intelligent point of view. Simple words that translate into a esoteric message, complete with appropriate grammar and punctuation.
All in all, a memorable poem! Thank you for sharing your work with us and best of luck in the contest!
- Bean Sidhe -
-
Thank you so much for your review of this piece. It is wonderful to know with certainty that what I wanted to express in this piece is coming through loud and clear. Your observations are right on the money and I appreciate the depth of understanding that you have shown in this piece. Hugs, Bunny
-
-
STUPENDOUS!
As for the message, it is clear and delivered in a most unobtrusive manner that uses poetry in great form: well done. The overall poetry is crafted to suit the emotional meaning and gets it over to the reader very pointedly and uncensored, with the feelings in tact. There is no judgment or rejection in the delivery and message as such, but the observations say it all crystal clearly.
Actually, the fallen state of human kind is what this is all about to me, and MOTHER gives the required love to bear with Father's self absorbing indiscretions and inappropriate straying, while longing for the absolution and peace he cannot provide in his twisted, lost wandering along the road of sensuality and damaged manhood. A truly magnificent poem... DW -
-
Thank you for your in depth review. Your level of understanding of the depth in this piece is excellent and gives me hope that others as well will come to look inside the words. I find it impressive that you were able to see that the poem is written in such a way as to not pass judgement, but more as an observation of life and yet still hold the emotion within each line. You are correct in assuming that the piece is also more about the fallen state of human kind, than about two individuals. It has more to do with the roles of men and women, the expectations, the limitations, the abuses and the lack of respect that occurs inside the dimensions of marriage and coupling. Bunny
-
-
Wow, this is really awesome. Thank you for entering such a powerful piece.
-
wow!
this is stunning, deep and profound..absolutely wonderful piece of art.
-
kudos
nice write. powerful message.
-
A very sad and thought provoking poem Bunny. As always your pieces arfe a joy to read, because they make such strong staements or are written to make the reader think hard.
Stinning as always and congratulations on the trophies and being published once again.
Gaylene
-
I got the feeling he was oversexed, into himself, and a child molester, who probably lived with two sides of himself, and she was one of the only ones that got to see and know both of those sides, I wonder if she ever asked him to explain, or if he ever did. It seems as if she was constantly tore. Ok, I understand that I can read a lot into things (LOL), but I try and look for what I can find. Great write.
-
this one brings out alot of things in me. Not all of them good but as a poem, it is intriguing, thought provoking and just plain darn good. One of your best.
thanks for sharing.
-
Wonderful writing..
-
Congratulations hon, more than deserving! So moving...
sigh. -
beautiful and powerful piece that I keep thinking of when I try to sleep...
-
While this would seem to be a scenario of days long gone, it unfortunately plays out today only with a bit more finger pointing attached from outsiders that havent a clue of the dynamics some women still have to face within their own homes.
Starkly vivid, as it should be. You do the topic justice. -
Have times changed, are woman captured by the baby or have homes been created where the family comes together to celebrate the gifts of each of it members. You raise the ache of the dead end that fifties childhoods grew up and as children we inherited the desperation. Least, I did. Am I better for it?
I hope so. We go on with a prayer on our lips searching for a path. With my son and wife, I take each tenuous step wondering if I am doing any better. Great poem. Hit me hard and took my breath away. No more to say or is it that I know I would never stop saying if i said more?
peace & Light,
Tom B.
-
I was just peeking at Kevin's contest entries that were in the finalists list, and I have to say, this blew me away. The metaphor was easily understood, but the emotions were so complex and cleverly written. Very spectacular!
~Cassie
-
Wow, this is so sad
But a very strong write. Great use of imagery. Thank you for entering my contest.
-
very strong, Bunny. Congrats on being shortlisted for the book.
-
Deep but Clear
You are quite talented, Bunny. This is beautifully written, reflecting a fragility that must have existed in your mom; yet, I believe it existed in your dad as well. Too much alike and needed the separation from looking at oneself every day and night, yet loving one another inexpressibly. This was a winner and remains so.
Luv & hugs, BonnieQ
-
*cricket*
-
There is nothing that I can say -
this is so well done, you had me right away at stanza one -
I remember this poem...it was haunting...and very piercing, written so very tenderly and exposedly!
I remember being humbled by how you did this!
well done!
(and thanks for sending the link)
ears/Seattle
-
Congrautlations on your Gold. a well done deep poem.
so glad I stopped by to read it.
Blessings,
Frozentearz -
An exceptionally well written and sad piece,
So many women experience this sort of situation, and can't, won't or are too frightened to do anything about it....so very sad.
A very powerful write and beautifully done.
Ann
-
Oh damn, this is a powerfully moving piece, especially for being a shorter piece. The scene that went through my mind reminded me much of my youth (won't go there). It sucks when it seems one is used only for pleasure instead of being cherished for who they are. Exceptionally well done.
-
Applause-Applause!
What a poem!
Truly pierces the heart wide open!
Thankyou for the fearless courage and inspiration
it took to write this vivid and real poem!
What a blessing it is to use our pens so mightily!
ears/Seattle applause-applause-applause!
-
This brought tears to my eyes. It is filled with raw emotion. Congrats on the other trophies and thank you so much for entering.
-
Awesome
I too had to think about the meaning of some words. Raw and Naked says it all and more. Very graphic, but very well written for maximum effect. Take care and keep writing.
Rhon
-
Wow
I obviously couldn't resist reading this
after sampling the title.
Naked and raw.
I almost felt like a voyeur
and had to close my eyes...
Imagine.
-
oh man! This is a really vivid poem. The imagery is crazy. I had to pause a minute on "lips that couldn't dissent..." followed by 'oh...' 'eww...' and 'man thats creative...' I also loved the phrase "bleeding babies." as a verb for childbirth. Great write, most excellent luck in the contest.--Shannon
-
This is a sad poem that seems to indicate a disillusionment with married life. It is well written and flows nicely. Great job.
-
Disturbing indeed. Perhaps the household could have used an infusion of high-quality drugs.
-
This deserved more...
wow.
Naked, as it gets.
-
This is oh so my stunning...
One of your best I do believe.
Congrats on the HM...a lot of talent in this contest, but you stood with them and came through it with a wonderful poem.
Becky
-
-
I agree...this is stunning work...Congrats Love, Lane
-
this is an excellent entry, very provocative and intense and contender in this thing....
thanks for entering it here
al -
wow...this is really cool. disturbing in a way, yet ironically beautiful...
good work =] -
woa...this one disturbed me. great word choice.
-
I like this, because there is a very clear (but subtly stated) meaning beyond the text on the page. The last two stanzas really hit the proverbial nail on the head, and I love the way you grouped together "blankets and frigidity," two seemingly different things that can both function as protective barriers--the "cloak of autonomy" of which you speak. You also made purposeful use of punctuation and line separation. Overall, nice job, and good luck in the contest.
-
Superb
Wow! A most excellent write.
-
To be honest, I'm not really sure what kind of comment to leave on this. I had to reread it several times, not because it was difficult to understand, but because your words made me want to read more, but alas, the poem had finished.
Best of luck in the contest.
Keira
--- pink.glitter.hearts
-
Brilliant!
I also had to reread this awesome piece, as it was difficult for me to grasp the first time - and the font was a wee bit too small for these old eyes. I love the profound imagery - the universal plight of womanhood, it seems (at least, it was, once upon a time, I believe)... Great job!! Best of luck in this contest, you've writen a masterpeice!!! Peace, Cyn
-
Wow.. a very deep write, as well as painful. The imagery just really took my breath away, wonderful piece and keep it up.
-
Hi there,
It's rare that I see a poem that makes me pause, and then reread it. Powerful imagery, vivid and shocking - just what makes the poem work. The one bit I'd mention as a pseudo-critique would the that the ellipses don't add to the dramatic feel of the ending. A period might make it more final, a sharper cut off point. (That and I have a strong dislike of ellipse use (: )
Still good poem, hands down. Lovely piece.
-
That's fantastic!
So so very good... I could feel every word like a razor scraping at my soul, and filling me with compassion for the woman, and for the man with such a callus soul...
Incredible!
I want you to win... You earned it!
-
What profound characterization I find in these lines. And their views of one another also so prominent. I love the way Momma's strength is so apparent despite the predicament she finds herself in. Excellent irony.
Your images are so vivid and and the flow and phrasing of your thoughts are perfect to set this scene. This piece is totally emotionally riveting. Just loved it. -
Raw, edgy and so well explained in metaphor. The strength of the piece to me is that although written in the third person, it can still be taken as personal. Well done. Love, C
-
This is very well written, a unique take on the prompt. I had a bit of difficulty with the font. Best wishes in the contest.
Adding your comment:
1 - 59 of 59
