I lost my thoughts yesterday,
I tripped on them today.
I lost you today,
I loved you yesterday.
I pick up the pieces,
I forgot where they go.
I let you rip the pieces,
I watch you go.
Stupid me,
I should have known.
A contest entry
- cry me a river by patsoldcat.
600 points, ended May 20, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Who Needs 'Em???? by TwiztidMaggot.
300 points, ended June 8, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Confusion by loveaswellashate.
500 points, ended August 5, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - CELEBRATING POETRY AND POETS- ONE-DAY competition, "PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN" WORK ONLY by Vera Rich.
6000 points, ended November 26, 2008, 127 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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this is very good.. alot of emotion in such little lines
thank you for joining my contest and good luck -
ahhh, this is really good. I like poems like this that say "I should have known better than this..." but yeah... keep up yoru good work, best of luck in my cotnest!!
CrimsonViper -
"I pick up the pieces,
I forgot where they go.
I let you rip the pieces,
I watch you go."
"I pick up the pieces" is present tense. So is "I let you rip the pieces." And so is "I watch you go." So then why is "I forgot where they go" in past tense? Try reading through the poem but replacing "forgot" with "FORGET" and see how it sounds. To me, it would work better.
I'm not forcing any changes though. It's just a suggestion. Other than that, this is a great piece. I love the format that you chose to use -- using the same words with inverse meanings. Great write!
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This is awesome!!!! It's extremely emotional. Short, and the words are simple, but extremely beautiful. Engaging and emotional (and leaves the reader wanting to read more)! Nicely done.
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Short poem and the pace was a tad quick...which only means that you did a ...Great job! The vocabulary of the lines were perfect.
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Omgoodness, this was a really good poem. I mean really. I liked it, it was short and sweet and to the point.
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great poem.
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Nice and quick but still very informing
Well done!
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final edit
nice and to the point of loosing one
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aw thats such a short poem. I wanted more lol.
I think your use of opposites and changing variations of the line above to create such drama is genius. Ipersonally think it should be a little longer with a huge build up to the end. but other than that you have a great poem here so stick with it.
well don -
Wow, this was good.
I especially liked how the last two lines
stitched the whole thing together,
just like you'd like to do
with the lost and scattered pieces.
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Aw, this is so sad.
I hope you find someone who will pick up the pieces and use glitter glue to put it all back together. :]
Good luck in the contest.
♥
~Princess of Shadows~ -
I like this, and I'm no fan of angsty painful love poems, so you've done really well here. The last two lines sum it up perfectly. Good write.
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very well written. I liked the repetition...
Congrats on the good write! -
Nice poem, I liked thinking about tripping on my lost thoughts, I think you did a good job on this piece. Best wishes in the contest.
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