So drown my thoughts with dirt
& halt my tears with perverted steel.
Rive & rip & ravage this
(and it still won't hurt)
It'll be a long, long ride.
To those padded doors.
Violence, catharsis all the way.
(and you can't keep me inside)
Thicket and thorns bathed in blood.
Twisting from your guile grip
Kicked, bit, collide to the floor
(and I'll be streaking in the mud)
My saviour, your insanity
Jordan lashes perfected by the bone.
Chemical blanks can't calm me
(Bulls-eye straight through your vanity)
Virgin gore cradled by your slit throat,
Witching hour strikes a due abortion.
Left you wasting for fish to eat.
(I'll pray the bones don't float)
Author notes
Hmmm, Not too sure.
Could you do me a gassive favour, look at the old versions too?
'Cause I really can't decide which version I like the most, tell me in a comment, could you?
thankies 
x
A contest entry
- Want to be READ? ENTER HERE! by Avatar of Innocence.
525 points, ended September 7, 2008, 130 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Fxck it.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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See the metal that mirrors this blackened sky?
Night licenses your well earned ending
Brand new blood at your serrated throat
When I've thrown you away for fish to eat
(I'll pray these bones don't float)
i love that whole part;
the imagery was beautiful,. -
This is truly one for originality: I like the subject of malevolent asylum patient instead of the dull, woe-is-me victim usually portrayed. I like the fire and spit of your subject. Very nice.
My only qualm lies within this line:
"(I'll stab you, stab you right in your vanity)"
how about making it more concise:
"I'll stab you right in your vanity"
To me it just reads better. If you could make it shorter it would also be good. -
-
I've got a feeling that I've done the impossible,
& managed to make it worse than .....
I've messed around with it a bit, cut some lines, edited a lot more, and a very few I like so much I've kept them.
As for subject, I'm [almost] in that situation right now. And believe me, they try and get me through those doors and I'll find out for real if the bones float.
So watcha think?
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this poem is awsome
it is very powerful and i like the way the words are brought together
you bring alot of emotion
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Thanks for letting me know it wasn't completely a pw. Also thanks for entering my contest, and good luck.
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