Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
 

you love me like heroin

you tell everyone that you'll leave me alone
but you know that you cant survive on your own.
the chills the sweat the craving pains
you know it won't stop till i'm back in your veins

the lust the love you have for me
makes you long for my domination and instability
the fear the adventure and exciting thrills
that commonly ends up in scary chills

i make you cry i make you smile
you can't help but think that i'm worthwhile
i know and i don't blame you
but will i let you live to see a day anew?????

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Luna Tique Fringe gold member
    May 22

    Edit | Reply
    My first impression is that the title is stronger the the poem.  I was expecting something a little more raw and gritty.

    The punctuation is puzzling also. A period at the end of line 2, in my opinion,  is appropriate. The two lines lines contain one complete thought. So...does it follow that everything else between line 2 and the last is one complete thought?

    That and the lack of commas between your lists is my biggest problem with the piece.

    'cant' also needs an apostrophe.

    On the up side, for the most part, you had a decent rhythm
    going. Experiment with punctuation and line breaks...
    it's one of my weaknesses, too.

  • Wasted Years
    May 20
    Edit | Reply
    You could add on to this and make it a powerful song, much along the lines of Linkin Park / Korn-featuring-random-rappers-esque.

    You made it seem as if you, yourself were the heroin, forcing yourself among the reader. Very well written, my dear friend.


  • kachina lover
    May 20
    Edit | Reply
    wow. this was really good. brava. lol

  • Werewolf Avarus
    May 19

    Edit | Reply
    wow, that's an awesomeness write! I like the way its written as though the drug has thoughts... if you get what I mean, . I wish you luck in the contests you've entred!!

    'Wolf


  • Wayne Leon Learmond
    May 18

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful writing. Deep and powerful, and it is also thought-provoking too. You have done good here.

    Dark Love
    Wayne Leon


  • xxwhatsherfacexx
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    this is really good...creative connections to drugs...i really like the middle stanza!

    [[also...in line 4 you might want to change "tiil" to till.]]

1 - 6 of 6