you tell everyone that you'll leave me alone
but you know that you cant survive on your own.
the chills the sweat the craving pains
you know it won't stop till i'm back in your veins
the lust the love you have for me
makes you long for my domination and instability
the fear the adventure and exciting thrills
that commonly ends up in scary chills
i make you cry i make you smile
you can't help but think that i'm worthwhile
i know and i don't blame you
but will i let you live to see a day anew?????
A contest entry
- Poet's Choice III by Luna Tique Fringe.
1750 points, ended May 25, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Guaranteed Comments! II by Nam.
1750 points, ended June 8, 2008, 94 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1712 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just about anything by my1lovewearsdiapers.
450 points, ended September 16, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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My first impression is that the title is stronger the the poem. I was expecting something a little more raw and gritty.
The punctuation is puzzling also. A period at the end of line 2, in my opinion, is appropriate. The two lines lines contain one complete thought. So...does it follow that everything else between line 2 and the last is one complete thought?
That and the lack of commas between your lists is my biggest problem with the piece.
'cant' also needs an apostrophe.
On the up side, for the most part, you had a decent rhythm
going. Experiment with punctuation and line breaks...
it's one of my weaknesses, too. -
You could add on to this and make it a powerful song, much along the lines of Linkin Park / Korn-featuring-random-rappers-esque.
You made it seem as if you, yourself were the heroin, forcing yourself among the reader. Very well written, my dear friend.
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wow. this was really good. brava. lol
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wow, that's an awesomeness write! I like the way its written as though the drug has thoughts... if you get what I mean,
. I wish you luck in the contests you've entred!!
'Wolf
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Wonderful writing. Deep and powerful, and it is also thought-provoking too. You have done good here.
Dark Love
Wayne Leon
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this is really good...creative connections to drugs...i really like the middle stanza!
[[also...in line 4 you might want to change "tiil" to till.]]
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