Last summer was a joke but
nobody laughed,
I watched the sky
waiting for you,
you said you could stop the rain.
And when you were here
the sun remembered how to smile
for two days –
but then you had to leave
the clouds and I
couldn’t stop crying again.
Author notes
this is a quickly written first draft - will try to work on it with any suggestions. Last summer was such a wash out but the sun did shine for the two days he was here so we were happy but he couldn't stay long.
is the personifcation effective?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
What is his job that he has to come and go all the time? Yes the personification is effective. He comes home and you and the sun smile, he goes and you and the clouds cry. Very sweet
-
i feel like this has a lot of potential to develop more.
also... same thing happened to me, it probably happens to everybody sometime. but it was last winter, not last summer.
i liked the pathetic fallacy though... even if it is a little bit cliche, you didnt make it seem that way. -
I love the last two lines of this. It seems like there's a word missing to connect them to the previous line, however. The opening was really well done, it's what dragged me in to read the whole thing.
As top suggested, some polishing, but looking very good so far.
Good luck!
-
Best of luck in the contest. I can see where this might warrant a bit of polishing (if you like more structured poems) but it contains some great lines.
-
you've really put a depth into this poem..the feeling and the emotion is really deep..the warmth and happiness of one just being close to you..and the sadness that later brought when he left..the moment being with the one we love....to us is it's extremely short..and the goodbyes seems forever...well written..I'm sorry that this happens..
Keep penning!!!
Lieu
-
um.. sorry
i know this one too it happened to me this summer. The reason for my recent sad poems. Mt heart still stings some but the poems worked she has returned briefly to be my friend at least still. Your right 2 days is not enough to make a strong supportive romantic capture of forever. Dang the distance. Best wishes true poet.
-
An excellent opening!
Got slightly confused at the end (but only on the first reading). Just a thought: would it be better to make "the clouds and I
couldn’t stop crying again" into a new line - separated to give more power to the end of the poem.
for two days –
but then you had to leave.
The clouds and I
couldn’t stop crying again.
Just a suggestion: don't mean to be rude of course, after all it's your poem!!
A fine write: very best of luck with the contest!
-
that is very sad... i have been through the same thing over and over... its almost as if i thrive on summer romances. lol. very good job! i loved it. it was short, but to the point, and i loved it. im sorry that you had only two days with him... it sucks when that happens... very very good job!
-
"the sun remembered how to smile". Nice that your guy brought good weather with him and he may stop the rain when you see each other again.
Nice write.
-
"You said you could stop the rain" well I really love this line. Really good combining the weather and that desired person. Sometimes the weather seems to fit our mood doesn't it?
-
I do like this poem. I liked the way you described your feelings when he left. It sucks to have vacation rained out. Occassionally that happens though. The flow was a little rough but I still enjoyed the read! Thank you for entering my contest.
-
Nice!
Good luck in my contest!
-
First draft or not... I like the rawness of it so to speak. True, it doesn't flow all that well in some spots but some poetry is better without the flow. Thanks for sharing.
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
