Disclaimer: Please note that for all practical purposes I am an equal opportunity lover/soul mate, however there are some exceptions. Please fill out the following questionnaire to the best of your ability. Extra paper will be provided if you need it.
Personal Information:
1. Name:
2. Age:
(If you are young enough to still get an allowance or old enough to collect social security your application will not be accepted)
3. Weight:
(If you lied about this on your license you will be asked to submit to a weigh in)
4. Eye and Hair color:
5. In 5 words describe your feet.
(If they look like the Crypt Keeper’s feet or you can climb trees with them your application will be shredded immediately)
6. IQ Score:
7. Do you have tattoos? Locations:
8. Do you have body piercings? Locations:
(This is important because depending on the location this could be a serious injury risk to one or both of us.)
9. Are the clothes in your closets colored coordinated?
10. What are your current living arrangements?
(If you live in your parent’s basement and refer to them as your roommates your application will be denied.)
11. What's your favorite motel/hotel?
12. Are you a screamer or a moaner?
13. What are your hobbies?
14. If we were to argue or disagree would you always be right?
(This would imply that I’m always wrong)
15. Underwear preferences: (Please check all that apply)
Thongs _____
Lacy/silky/satin _____
Briefs _____
Bikinis _____
Boxers _____
Leather _____
None _____
16. How many drinks do you need before you're dancing with a lamp shade on your head?
17. What is your idea of romantic?
18. Do you like to cuddle?
(Cuddling is actually mandatory and this is not negotiable)
19. What is your favorite vacation spot?
20. Do you believe in God?
(If you are a Jehovah’s Witness I will slam the door on you, if you are a Satan worshipper I will throw holy water on you, if you chant to the Baba Rama Nana I will probably laugh at you. All other religions will be considered on an individual basis)
21. Would you object to my dog laying on the bed?
(If your answer is yes your application will be sent to PETA for animal cruelty)
22. What is your favorite food?
23. What is your favorite dessert?
(Anything with whip cream will give you a 5 point preference)
24. What is your favorite type of kiss?
Eskimo _____
Long and deep _____
Sloppy and wet _____
With tongue _____
Subtle and tidy _____
Ones that last all night long _____
25. Are you willing to fall asleep in my arms?
26. Would you play with me in the rain?
(This should be a risk you're prepared to take for my happiness)
27. Do you bite?
(This is a risk I'm prepared to take for your happiness)
28. Have you ever cheated in a relationship?
(Please note that your answer will not affect your application in any way however, if you receive the position of soul mate and are caught cheating you will be terminated immediately and you will not receive a severance package either.)
29. What is your favorite color?
30. What is your favorite movie?
31. What is your favorite book?
(This is assuming that your able to read something with larger words in it then one fish two fish red fish blue fish or that you don't just look at the pictures)
32. Favorite music/artist?
Medical History:
1. Are you now or have you ever been medicated for: (Please check all that apply)
Bipolar _____
Multiple personalites _____
Schizophrenia _____
Manic Depression _____
Psychosis _____
Drooling on yourself _____
(Please note that just because you are crazy does not mean your application will not be considered)
2. Do you have any medical conditions that would prevent you from doing any of the
following: (Please check all that apply)
Housework _____
Cooking _____
Laundry _____
Bungee jumping _____
Yard work _____
Wild kinky sex _____
(If you have checked any of these, please describe the nature of your condition)
3. Have you ever had a communicable disease/STD that is not curable with a shot of
penicillin?
4. Do you have any strange disfigurements to your face/body?
(If the answer is yes please attach a photo to your application)
5. On the full moon do you turn into: (Please check all that apply)
A werewolf _____
A vampire/bat _____
A crazed lunatic _____
A nymphomaniac _____
A whimpering crybaby _____
None of the above _____
6. How many hours of sleep do you require?
7. Do you use mind enhancing substances to make the world seem weird?
8. Do you use Prozac, Zoloft, Lithum etc. to make the world seem normal?
9. Do you have any body parts that have been artifically enhanced?
(If your answer is yes you’re probably insecure and nothing I have to offer will fix that so your application will most likely be denied)
10. Is your idea of practicing safe sex locking the door?
Financial Information:
1. Do you have a job?
(Watching Oprah, Jerry Springer or Soap Operas while you eat bon bon's does not qualify as employment)
2. Full time or part time?
3. Are you in debt?
(If the answer is yes your application will be sent to the IRS further for further investigation)
4. Can you balance a checkbook?
5. If I have $20.00 do you believe you're entitled to half?
6. Do you use your fingers and toes to count with?
7. Do you have a gambling problem?
8. Can you go to the mall without purchasing something?
Criminal Information:
1. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for: (Please check all that apply)
Stalking _____
Harassment _____
Jay walking _____
Being naked in public _____
Mooning a cop _____
Drunk & disorderly conduct _____
2. If you have been arrested did you enjoy being handcuffed?
3. If you have not been arrested would you object to being handcuffed?
(Depending on how you answer this question you may receive a 10 point preference)
4. Do you have any aliases?
5. Have you ever been featured on: (Please check all that apply)
Cops _____
America's most wanted _____
Any talk show _____
Girls gone wild _____
Cheaters _____
The nightly news _____
America's funniest home videos _____
Any video that can be purchased at Dirty Dick's Erotic Emporium _____
Fill In The Blanks:
1. I often _____ when I _____.
2. I love it when you _____ to my _____.
3. The voices often tell me to _____.
4. I can't stand the _____ of your _____.
5. I wish I could change _____ to make _____ different.
References:
If you have references please include them on the extra paper that’s available taking into account that references from former lovers, siblings or other family members, best friends or your psychiatrist will not be accepted because they are likely to say anything in order to get you out of their hair.
Thank you for submitting your application and I will get back to you as soon as the background check is completed.
Author notes
This was loads of fun to do hope you enjoy it!!!
A contest entry
- Create Your Own Soulmate Application [FUN_FUN] by Nicotine Eyes.
475 points, ended June 5, 2008, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
HAHAH!! That was hilarious! It's extremely late here, so let's hope I didn't wake anyone in my fits of giggles.
You have no idea how tempted I am to fill this out! Though unfortunately, I was disqualified within the second question!
Oh poo!
-
Personal Information:
1. Name: Stefanie
2. Age: 18
(If you are young enough to still get an allowance or old enough to collect social security your application will not be accepted)
3. Weight: 9 1/2 stone
(If you lied about this on your license you will be asked to submit to a weigh in)
4. Eye and Hair color: green eyes, hair dyed blonde
5. In 5 words describe your feet. wide, footy, pink, fleshy, footy
(If they look like the Crypt Keeper’s feet or you can climb trees with them your application will be shredded immediately)
6. IQ Score: 136
7. Do you have tattoos? No Locations:
8. Do you have body piercings? Locations: Ears
(This is important because depending on the location this could be a serious injury risk to one or both of us.)
9. Are the clothes in your closets colored coordinated? No
10. What are your current living arrangements? Living with parents, but with a bedroom and no roomies.
(If you live in your parent’s basement and refer to them as your roommates your application will be denied.)
11. What's your favorite motel/hotel? Who knows
12. Are you a screamer or a moaner? Moaner normally, screamer sometimes.
13. What are your hobbies? Listening to music, reading, surfing net, watching TV, walking...
14. If we were to argue or disagree would you always be right? Most definately, I am a woman you know...
(This would imply that I’m always wrong)
15. Underwear preferences: (Please check all that apply)
Thongs: yes
Lacy/silky/satin: yes
Briefs: no thanks
Bikinis: yes
Boxers: no
Leather:no
None:yes
16. How many drinks do you need before you're dancing with a lamp shade on your head? Comatosed.
17. What is your idea of romantic? Pretty little fluffy teddy bears and candlelit dinners for two and red roses...awwww
18. Do you like to cuddle? I love cuddles.
(Cuddling is actually mandatory and this is not negotiable)
19. What is your favorite vacation spot? Hmmm Carribean maybe, or Bahamas?
20. Do you believe in God? Yeah, but not any religion in particular.
(If you are a Jehovah’s Witness I will slam the door on you, if you are a Satan worshipper I will throw holy water on you, if you chant to the Baba Rama Nana I will probably laugh at you. All other religions will be considered on an individual basis)
21. Would you object to my dog laying on the bed? No, I love doggies (including in the bedroom).
(If your answer is yes your application will be sent to PETA for animal cruelty)
22. What is your favorite food? Lasagne, roule cheese, pizza... I love Italian stuff.
23. What is your favorite dessert? Apple and Cinamon pie with custard, anything with treacle or chocolate :P
(Anything with whip cream will give you a 5 point preference)
24. What is your favorite type of kiss?
Eskimo no
Long and deep yes
Sloppy and wet no
With tongue yes
Subtle and tidy yes
Ones that last all night long yes
25. Are you willing to fall asleep in my arms? Yes that's so sweet...
26. Would you play with me in the rain? Depends what kind of playing but sure, I'm game.
(This should be a risk you're prepared to take for my happiness)
27. Do you bite? Not usually no.
(This is a risk I'm prepared to take for your happiness)
28. Have you ever cheated in a relationship? Yes, but it was years ago.
(Please note that your answer will not affect your application in any way however, if you receive the position of soul mate and are caught cheating you will be terminated immediately and you will not receive a severance package either.)
29. What is your favorite color? Lilac
30. What is your favorite movie? Too many to name.
31. What is your favorite book? A few.
(This is assuming that your able to read something with larger words in it then one fish two fish red fish blue fish or that you don't just look at the pictures)
32. Favorite music/artist? Too many to list.
Medical History:
1. Are you now or have you ever been medicated for: (Please check all that apply)
Bipolar no
Multiple personalites no
Schizophrenia no
Manic Depression no
Psychosis no
Drooling on yourself no
(Please note that just because you are crazy does not mean your application will not be considered)
2. Do you have any medical conditions that would prevent you from doing any of the
following: (Please check all that apply)
Housework no
Cooking no
Laundry no
Bungee jumping yes - i hate them
Yard work no
Wild kinky sex hell no
(If you have checked any of these, please describe the nature of your condition)
3. Have you ever had a communicable disease/STD that is not curable with a shot of
penicillin? nopers
4. Do you have any strange disfigurements to your face/body? no
(If the answer is yes please attach a photo to your application)
5. On the full moon do you turn into: (Please check all that apply)
A werewolf no
A vampire/bat no
A crazed lunatic no
A nymphomaniac yes
A whimpering crybaby no
None of the above n/a
6. How many hours of sleep do you require? 8-10
7. Do you use mind enhancing substances to make the world seem weird? Every once in a while...
8. Do you use Prozac, Zoloft, Lithum etc. to make the world seem normal? Not anymore.
9. Do you have any body parts that have been artifically enhanced? Nope
(If your answer is yes you’re probably insecure and nothing I have to offer will fix that so your application will most likely be denied)
10. Is your idea of practicing safe sex locking the door? Noooo
Financial Information:
1. Do you have a job? Nope
(Watching Oprah, Jerry Springer or Soap Operas while you eat bon bon's does not qualify as employment)
2. Full time or part time?
3. Are you in debt? Nah
(If the answer is yes your application will be sent to the IRS further for further investigation)
4. Can you balance a checkbook? On my head? yes.
5. If I have $20.00 do you believe you're entitled to half? On special ocasions.
6. Do you use your fingers and toes to count with? No, who does that except illiterate people?
7. Do you have a gambling problem? No, I only spend ÂŁ700 a week on betting.
8. Can you go to the mall without purchasing something? Of course!
Criminal Information:
1. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for: (Please check all that apply)
Stalking no
Harassment no
Jay walking no
Being naked in public no
Mooning a cop no
Drunk & disorderly conduct nofyi, I never get caught.
2. If you have been arrested did you enjoy being handcuffed?
3. If you have not been arrested would you object to being handcuffed? Nope...
(Depending on how you answer this question you may receive a 10 point preference)
4. Do you have any aliases? Hmmm maybe.
5. Have you ever been featured on: (Please check all that apply)
Cops no
America's most wanted no
Any talk show no
Girls gone wild no
Cheaters no
The nightly news no
America's funniest home videos no
Any video that can be purchased at Dirty Dick's Erotic Emporium no... shame, but no.
Fill In The Blanks:
1. I often speak when I open my mouth.
2. I love it when you do things to my places.
3. The voices often tell me to eat lots of chocolate chip muffins.
4. I can't stand the taste of your champagne.
5. I wish I could change the world to make my world different.x
-
I've been reading through the entries in that contest .... Usually I get up to the second or third question before I get disqualified
-in yours I managed to fill in exactly one question before I got told that I wouldn't be accepted, but this is a great bunch of questions
Best of luck in the contest.
Keira
-- pink.glitter.hearts
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