...The women were all majestic,
and the men stood straight and tall.
And children stepped from behind them,
bringing hope and love for all.
They would sacrifice their comfort,
and they would sacrifice their days,
And they sacrificed the future,
to hold on to their ways.
And the rains fell upon their shelters,
and the winds blew down the ages,
it was like
they never came...
like a book with empty pages.
And now they're gone forever,
far from our endless hate.
I can see them now,
they're laughing still,
as they're reachin Heavens gate.
And the women were all majestic,
and the men stood straight and tall,
you can stop and stare,
at the photo's there,
down at the old museum hall.
Author notes
Different will never mean wrong.
A contest entry
- All-time Best Rhyming Prewrites by TabbyCat.
600 points, ended September 23, 2008, 54 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Adventure of a life time by offlimits.
450 points, ended October 5, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - This is Amazing by ecrivain01.
550 points, ended July 30, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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This is rather cool. Living where I do, we have the tribal pow wows and sweat huts and...well, it's a world removed. This poem brings that same feel with it. nice
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Wonderful tribute to the brave dead... Those world-weary wanderers who gave it all up on a fleeting chance to live better. Awe inspiring my dear.
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I found this an interesting piece. Some good imagery here! I especially like the first two lines and the repitition of them in the last stanza.
The rhyme, for me, was forced in some places -- I guess too, there too many "ands" for me. Also, in fourth stanza, "heavens" should be "heaven's" -- the possesive form.
My take on this, were I editing it (for what it's worth :-) )
The women were majestic,
the men stood straight and tall.
Children stepped behind them and
brought hope and love for all.
They’d sacrifice their comfort,
they’d sacrifice their days,
they sacrificed the future,
just to hold on to their ways.
Rains fell upon their shelters,
the winds blew down the ages
as if they never came --
like a book with empty pages.
And now they're gone forever,
far from our endless hate.
I can see them now, they laugh;
they're reaching Heaven’s gate.
The women were majestic,
the men stood straight and tall;
photos are available
at the museum hall.
Lilac Moon
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"as they're reachin Heavens gate." -- I believe "Heavens" would be "Heaven's" based on the use of "gate". Also, you should either add an apostrophe after "reachin" or add the "g" at the end. I would recommend the latter.
Other than that: a nice poem that you have written here.
-Nam
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Beautiful rhyme scheme, I've always wanted to try it. Now I feel as if I could never master it as you have. Really felt the emotions in this, made me sad to think of all these people just remembered in photographs. But at least they were portrayed in style. Love the last stanza. Another great write.
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i've much to laern
I see that you are great with the rhyme, I am glad to be a brother, your chosen words have great power and imagry. you have a nice flow and ability to rhyme keep working on them but don't stop the free verse, it is just as awsome in your art. Nic
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Amazing...
This poem made me feel alone and desolate. i felt the sadness these people felt, yet also their joy at being in another place. i felt that your emotions were prorayed beautifully.
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Now THIS was a rhyming poem
None of it felt as though it was forced, or anything like that. IN fact, it told a very moving story - and so visually,
that last verse in particular was very touching, particularly about the photos...
I'll have to check out more of your writes after the competition if finally judged
Thanks for entering
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Very touching.
a very good write..and I really got nothing to say more too
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VERY NICE<<
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loved this, it just flowed with great rhythem.
i love the title and your authers note is superb!
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OH this had me feeling kid of sad, Made me think of alot of the things we do have to sacrfice .
They would sacrifice their comfort,
and they would sacrifice their days,
And they sacrificed the future,
to hold on to their ways.
This part was my favorite and it was the one part that made me think long and hard about the things i have had to sacrifice.
Great job!
-Mandi
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I loved your Authores notes. That one statement is so strong and so profound. Beautiful. Great imagine invoking thoughts.
ing alone,
Mylee -
well
I have to say this is one fine and thoughful piece of poetry. Excellent ending that captures it all. Great write poet.
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Oh wow. I loved this poem. So true. My great grandfather was actually the last hereditary chief of the kootenai tribe. I bet he stood majestic and tall. Hopefully not bend in the form of a broken warrior. A great write and it floed very smoothly.
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this was a very impressive paice i must admitt i loved it we will see what she thinks when she reads thank you for entering i really did enjoy it though it did not use the name kate, though you will not be DQ you may even place well done on a brilliant peice
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You get moved to the finalist's list on the merit of the smooth flow, interesting vocabulary, and reminiscing tone of this piece. Very enjoyable, with unforced rhyme.
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TEARS FLOWING
your words remind me my brother of my people who's voices are silenced now, who's way of life is gone forever because of the progress of man...the women were majestic and the men all stood proud and even after their way of life was gone their pride stood tall...and even though they fought no more they were never conquered...niaish for this my Ten Bears
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I love this because the title....Departing arrivals is positively inspired! The poem reads well out loud too. Well done.
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Wow, I don't really know what to say about his poem! I loved it! It's so powerful, and sad. When I first read this poem it to reminded me of the Holocaust. It's a terrible thing when man kills his brother based on things as petty as the color of his skin, his hair, his religion, etc. I think the most impactful part of this poem for me was the last stanza:
"you can stop and stare, at the photo's there, down at the old museum hall".
Wonderful write, thank you for sharing! -
I really liked the impact of this opening line, it's so powerful and evocative. Found this very moving towards the end with the final stanza in particular standing out. It made me think about slavery, the Holocaust and other such tragedies. Thanks for making me think, only the best peotry ever does that. I really did like this. Great write, in fact I think this might be my favourite of all of yours I've read. Cheers.
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I Like this ^_^. Very nice job, Keep it up! =]]
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Thankj you for your entry
Again, I wish you had put your option number in your author notes.
Many peoples were erased, assimilated, or murdered. Their lives meaningless because of people who feared the unknown.
I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy
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Great poem! The rhyme didn't seem forced at ALL!
Best of luck in the contest, you deserve something!
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wow!!
wow! great!! good luck in the contest Lowell Poe! very well done! great flow!! no need for improvement!! i enjoyed this very much!!! really great peom!!! you have a amazing talent and way with words ya kno? awesome rhyme!! i loved this part:
They would sacrifice their comfort,
and they would sacrifice their days,
And they sacrificed the future,
to hold on to their ways.
SilverWolf
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This was very well done. I really enjoyed it alot. It said so much and it depicted the era so well. Thank you for sharing this truely wonderful poem. Keep writting you have real talent
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And the rains fell upon their shelters,
and the winds blew down the ages,
it was like they never came,
And now they are forever gone,
far from our endless hate.
I can see them now,
they are laughing still,
as they're reachin Heavens gate.
And the women were all majestic,
and the men stood straight and tall,
you can stop and stare,
at the photo's there,
down at the old museum hall.
a fantastic poem good luck in the contest
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You are completely right. Different will never mean wrong. this is a beautiful piece, full of imagery!
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Exellent! You write good stuff! ***Pam***
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Well well Lowell...
Your Rhyme is quite different than your freeverse, and I will agree with you that it doesn't pack the same punch, but whoah, hold your horses, I think it's equally provocative. See, here's the thing...
With Rhyme, most people tend to focus on single lines, making them rhyme. That's what people refer to as "forced rhyme." Your poem rhymed, but it was not forced. Structurely, this poem is sound. Now, getting on to the poem's meaning, or what it meant to me....Or what I got from it...
...I'm going to start by commenting on a few of your previous comments. While, happy and good comments are nice and make you feel good, praise without specifics is far from helpful, outside of building confidence, which you do NOT need Lowell. You have plenty.
The person below me, wrote seven lines, that could have been summed up in one. I've read rhyming poems from you before, your adept with rhyme, and I'd love to see you use it more often, actually.
Agreeing with the Authors Notes is nice people, but let's focus on the poem, shall we?
And I apologize in advance, but LOL @ Angelic design.
I will disagree entirely. This was no mystery. This was the beauty of observation. We are the second hand observers, for Lowell is telling us. From the beginning, I imagined a photo, the reader looking at something, because it sounded like all first hand observations, not to mention the poem begins with "..." which lends weight to the argument that the reader was observing, and these thoughts came after the intitial impression.
In helping me see what you were saying, I'd say
"it was like,
they never came,
like a book with empty pages."
Was very helpful...at least to me.
I'm writing a lot, I know, but I don't think you'll mind. I'm not going to say in specific spots, but here's my only criticism, or what I would do to make it better. (This is one helpful thing I learned from my poetry class, is to try to help the poet you are critiquing.)
If this was my poem, and I was editing it, I would take out ALL of the punctuation, and read it out loud to myself. Then I would add punctuation where I saw fit, and where I saw that it could enhance imagery, or meaning. It's something I look at a lot in my poetry, Lowell.
This is by far the longest comment I've ever left, on any poem, but you deserve it my friend. I LOVED your poem. By the end, it had a sense of innocence to it, a sense of awe. You are amazing Lowell, don't ever stray from your path...But you don't need ME to tell you that...
Blessings Brother,
Brandon
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Nice Commenting, sir.
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Oooo! Lowell! This is wonderful! I love how you've gone and done something different. I think we all must try something different to stretch our wings and grow. This is wonderful! You've done very well..
I myself, will always love and prefer freeverse as well. However, I've also been streading my wings a bit and started rhyming. However, I dont think anything I have written comes close to this. Well done! A pleasure to enjoy!
Keep on streading those wings. You're a fantastic writer.
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This poem had a lot of imagery in it! It was very well written! Great job!
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I like the way you emphasised
"And the women were all majestic,
and the men stood straight and tall"
The 2nd stanza makes me believe these people are in for a change of customs and beliefs
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My first thoughts on this were of immigrants coming to a new land. I could envision my own family, in some old photo album. Newcomers to a land, often shunned and forced to endure great hardship. Then, upon rereading it, the second to last stanza made me think of the Jewish Holocaust and Auschwitz or something similar. Either way, your author notes of difference does not mean wrong holds true. A fine write, this reads and flows easily, and creates strong and powerful imagery throughout. Well done.
Rory
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Simply written, but with a strong intent, poignant message and some strong imagery. The piece reaches out to the reader with its structure and diction. I'm glad I clicked on it.
Cheers for the read,
Nocturne -
What a good work of poetry here Lowell! Brilliant and well thought out! THANKS for sharing your good works!!
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beautiful. an air of mystery painted with a divine selection of imagry
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Wonderfully done... Wow... Hm.. This had amazing imagery.. Your words played perfect. I really love how you penned this one...
Another masterpiece... Wonderful
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Wow!
This is a powerful piece, with so many different meanings working together simultaneously. I love the first two lines, it reminds me of my research on the Am. Civil War (history major, WWU). Particularly meaningful are the last two stanzas, as if gazing at the situation from present and hindsight. Good job!
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I agree.
I agree that this is a nice tribute and I like the spin you put to what it means to have the afterlife. You certainly entertained and well as tweaked my curiosity. -
Nice Tribute
As I read this wonderful piece I could look back to past generations who have given of themselves for their children, and their beliefs. It seems as though each generation steps from behind to take the torch as the ones before, though different, gently and gracefully fade away from the scene. I’m not sure if you meant this poem to be a tribute to past generations, but it certainly could be. Thank you Lowell for another magnificent and meaningful piece to be read and enjoyed by us now, and future generations.
Bless you my dear friend.
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I picture an old photo album, dusty with years, a story being told thru their eyes. Beautiful. Sad. Haunting.
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Oh my goodness... I agree with the others. I have just been sitting here staring at it. I feel love, joy, devastation, rage, embarrassment, heartbreak, hope... I am speechless. This is art, social commentary, memorial- this is endless, timeless, and majestic. Raw emotion, in polished writing... absolutely perfect.
Amazing- no comment could ever do it justice.
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wow this is truly beautiful. you constantly amaze me your writng is totally gorgeous!
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*standing in complete AWE*
Wow, I am speechless! The only thing I can do is just sit here in complete awe inspiring silence!!
Deep with beauty, orginallity with a spice of different...I enjoyed the read!!
Your author notes are so true...different will never mean wrong! "There is not such thing as normal"
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Deep
Where did you get your inspiration from? Just wondering. I like your note. "Different will never mean wrong." That is what the world does not understand. Here is an example: People thought that African Americans were not people because they had a different color of skin. Just because they were different, they were wrong in no action that they took. Thanks for the note, it was different, but not wrong.
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