If I died today
you wouldn't shed a tear for me
If I died yesterday
you would still stand up straight
If I died tomorrow
your heart would not feel hollow
Please just turn away
so i dont hurt today
just let me be
so i can see
help me with nothing
I will never feel your something
just let go forever
dont look back ever
How could i slip so far away
what words can i say
when you crush me inside
I will never show on the outside
Dont feel this pain
walk away still sane
ask no more questions
let go of the obsessions
you dont love me
it's clear to see
just hate me some where else
feel good about yourself
If I say I'm done with you
will you leave forever
If I say I'll love you forever
will you believe me never...
A contest entry
- forbidden love by hardwire.
450 points, ended May 17, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round Contest! Round 1 of 4. Everyone welcome. by FightOffYourDemons.
350 points, ended June 11, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Broken Heart by Blooming Poet.
300 points, ended July 31, 2008, 118 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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This is a really nice show of your feelings. It is so good to let things out this way. Although I have to say that the rhyme scheme was kind of messed up. It was pressured in some places and it was all together non existent in the first stanza. I really think that if you pick a way to write a poem you should stick with it. Like freeverse or rhyme or whatever else. You just need more practice i thin k but i can see some definite potential.
Thanks for entering my contest!
Nikki -
This is a great poem! I like the rhyming in this a lot. I like the way you opened it with a stanza about time and how it sometimes just doesn't matter, it made me think about that a lot. My favorite part is that first stanza because it just made me think a lot and I think it's a great way to open a poem. The flow seemed a bit off because some couplets were longer than others and the first line of the last stanza doesn't rhyme with any of the rest of it, but overall it was still really good. Also, I like the way you ended the poem with "..." because it allows the readers to continue thinking about the poem after finishing it. The title reflects the ideas in the poem well, but it's a bit clichéd, so I think it would work better with a more inventive title. Anyway, great job and good luck in the contest!
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its so true and it sounds like it came from the heart
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wow thats good... i like it... no i loved it
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