In the garden of my delight, I walked
Beauty and color surrounded me
I sought the gardener and we talked
I loved every flower I could see
Such gifts, I wanted each one
I asked the gardener for my own
He answered I could have none
The one for me had not yet grown
Bending down he planted a seed in the soil
This one will be yours if you wait
For the seed to grow you must toil
At first, his words made me irate
I was mad with impatience and grief
My desire was for a flower now
So I settled for a painted floral leaf
That I could have without a committed vow
Artificial love and beauty never satisfy
So I returned to my neglected seed
Without my care, I saw she would soon die
I came each day to water, nurture and weed
In time, my flower grew to maturity
But her beauty was scared by neglect
I felt unworthy for my lack of purity
In my haste I had settled for an object
Still, I loved my flower and took her home
In time, my flower's scars seemed to heal
But from her, I kept my sins unknown
Afraid I would not be loved if I were real
My flower and I grew old together in life
I saw her wilt and her beauty began to fade
I had been neglecting her in times of strife
In time, my beautiful flower, I betrayed
Artificial love and beauty never satisfy
So I returned to my neglected flower
Without my care, I saw she would soon die
But my love had no staying power
In my grief, I bent down and confessed
I held no lie to myself any more
I exposed myself and completely undressed
I thought my flower died as she crashed to the floor
I tenderly lifted her to my side
I held her in my arms and cried
The wicked part of me that day died
Only with my flower did I want to abide
My tears watered my flower's soil
She bent with the weight then began to rise
I vowed to ever give her care and toil
No more would I live for artificial lies
My flower forever stayed in my garden of love
Every day I saw her as a divine gift from above
In a list
A contest entry
- contest: all about love by michellemybelle.
1350 points, ended May 25, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Humm...I actually had to go back and look to see if this was a rhyming poem or not, as I was so immersed in your story everything else faded in the background.
So, needless to say, this held my attention amazingly well through 50 lines. Wow!
What I find most ironic is that this is a story I already knew; as soon as I'd read the first 8 lines I could have said where it was going. (The fact I read anyway says a lot about your story telling ability. ) Actually...I think it's a story we ALL know...but like in the story, so many are impatient and unwilling to accept its truths.
For all practical purposes, I can say I'm a year and a half out of a relationship, and often I feel almost stupid for not being able to move on better than I have. It's the realization of just how much time, care, and love I gave my "flower" (and still do, as much as possible) that has me intimidated, thinking of having to start all over...and that's only IF I am lucky enough to meet the right someone again. I well know the rewards though, and have to keep reminding myself that the journey, once begun, is just as important as the destination.
A few grammar/typo notes:
L 12: "At first, his words my me irate" typo, "made" instead of "my", I'm thinking?
S 7: "Still (comma) I loved my flower and took her home ("so" instead of "and"?)
In time, my flowers (flower's) scars seemed to heal
But from her I kept my sins unknown (awkward order of words, sounds forced. "Still, I kept my sins unknown" as one possible alternative.)
I thought (I) would not be loved if I were real" or "afraid I wouldn't be loved if I were real"
Technically I think there are several areas you could tighten this up to give it even more power and impact, also to even out the flow. A couple of those in particular to note: The repetition of "my flower" does get a little old by the end of the poem, IMHO. The fewer times you need to use that phrase, the more impact you'll get from it when you do use it S10 uses the word "I" 5 times. At very least, the 4th one could be taken out without needing any additional editing. Remember too, every time you use "I", you're putting the spotlight on "you" and taking it away from the story...Lastly, I know it's mostly a matter of personal likes/dislikes, but having each line capped in combination with not using punctuation interrupts flow, to me, and makes it slightly more difficult to follow your thoughts because all the normal "traffic signs" have been removed.
I hope you don't mind the suggestions; I wouldn't bother if I didn't really like this and think it worthy of a tad bit of polishing. I can definitely see why Michelle chose this as the winner in the contest; (It would have been my pick as well) it is beautifully written and filled with truths. I am a huge believer in unconditional love, and think this is a wonderful example of it and so much more. Congrats on a well-deserved Gold, and thanks so much for sharing!
Best wishes,
~J.
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Thanks for such a helpful comment. I need an editor. You're hired Your comments/criticisms would be welcome any time!
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excellent~
As always I love your poem
I especially loved this one about nature...
And the metaphors you used
Best of luck in the contest sweetie
It's a winner in my book
Hugs n love
Susan~
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I really enjoyed the metaphor and story here. All you say is so true, we have to be patient for the real thing, then honor it, give it truth and trust. Thanks for your lovely entry.
Michelle
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Thanks Michelle. I tried to convey many truths in this piece. The main one is the unconditional love of "the flower" to the man. The story is based in reality. I know men who have "betrayed their flower" and have had the "flower" forgive and stand by her man.
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forgiveness is an important part of unconditional love, glad you included that in this poem...
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