Dark and cursèd, laid the bleak surround.
None but three would see the man impaled
And know the horror, spread about, around
From all the gore this butchery entailed.
His eyelids shut but still he looked above.
With doom and death his life was thus bestrode,
And whispered with his final breath of love
Were sentiments, not once before bestowed.
Aware of pain from many things he said
He laid in wait, in dormant state of mind
To see the fate, enthroned upon his head
And thrust wherein his deepest thoughts entwined.
Crawled he did, in mind if not in soul,
As thence he fell and called his silent plea,
In agony, which took him one and whole.
For hell it was, that stole his life’s decree.
Author notes
This poem is written in iambic pentameter.
(de dum) x 5
A contest entry
- Your best work (Quickie). by jocelynclaire.
300 points, ended June 9, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical comments welcome
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Humz
Impressive,
Crawled he did, in mind if not in soul,
As thence he fell and called his silent plea,
specially these two lines were so well written, I liked them alot, so deep, dark and amazing
you write beautifully
if only it had a structure
I liked your words alot
keep writing
by
the poet of hearts and beautiful words
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Dear God, you are an amazing writer.
The flow is flawless!
I love the tone you've created.
You have ace diction and a very impressive vocabulary.
When I read it I felt kind of dark and weighted down.
My favorite stanza is this one:
"His eyelids shut but still he looked above.
With doom and death his life was thus bestrode,
And whispered with his final breath of love
Were sentiments, not once before bestowed."
Especially the first line.
Uh! So fantastic.
It's not even fair.
I also really enjoyed the last line.
Someone below mentioned that this almost sounds like the Crucifixion. After reading that comment, I share the opinion. The last stanza also kinda reminds me of Christ's prayer at Gethsemane,
when he begs God to not make him go through with his death: "As thence he fell and called his silent plea".
The is a profoundness to your symbolism and writing in general that completely burries me, hun.
I find myself in jealousy and in awe. =]
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This piece almost sounds like the Crucifiction. I may be wrong, but that is what it reminded me of. However, it is very nicely penned, and good luck in the contest, it should win something, I think.
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Re: An Agony of Death
Very good Shakespeare-like poem! I like it! It has very good rhymes, excellent meter and a balanced form. This work is so intuitive in its emotional characterization -- it just gives me the "willies." Is it a sonnet? I'm not sure of the line count and stanza structure for a sonnet -- you might let me know. For a modern poem this one uses a lot of old language and out-of-date words! Perhaps this is necessary for a piece such as this? I do like the tit;e, first and last lines and the scary nature of this poem. While this poem is on the dark side, it is enjoyable and imminently readable. Keep up the fine work -- I'll look for more from you, soon!
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Good
This is a strong poem, full of emotion and passion. The rhythm is very good and the theme flows throughout the work. Your word choice is good and the message sent is strong and emotional. It holds a kind of trance over the reader and they think they are reading other than the obvious. It plays with words to hint at the story underneath the weight of all these witty words.
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Deliciously dark,
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