A bleeding heart (quite literally)
A choreographed dance of falling metal
starring you, the hopelessly tarnished centerpiece.
Spinning, though the world is still.
All around you is the oncoming sound of
the mute siren.
You're breathing in and getting no air
What an intense feeling (no, wait, you feel nothing at all)
If your life flashed before your eyes, would you see a sign you'd missed?
The screeching and screaming, what bloodcurdling screaming,
the only sound you can't hear is that of the mute siren.
Your last few moments spent with white-clothed strangers,
Good thing blood red goes so well with white,
They'll speak in their medical code, but there's no code for you
Call it what you like - a permanent hiatus of the living-
You can't sugarcoat a thing like death.
Author notes
This poem was inspired one day when I drove by an ambulance. It was too far away to hear the siren, but I could see the lights flashing. Thus, Mute Siren. =)
A contest entry
- To Laugh and/or Cry by rhyana.
525 points, ended June 12, 2008, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you feel while you were reading?
Comments
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taking the good with the bad
You wrote:
'A bleeding heart (quite literally)'
>>> I understand the suggestion of calling 'bleeding heart' a cheesey, cheesey cliche, but I also understand that no metaphor was made of it, so you might not be so keen on finding another solid depication with no cliche in sight. There's always better ones out there...I have no idea what other crits will say or not say in regards to L1
"Spinning, though the world is still."
>>> This attempt of looking at life in a different way, plumets this stanza far below the avg. blow. I see your whimpsical/ philosolic/ oneness/ spirituality undertone. Nothing 'inspiring', more an obvious fact you are just now marveling over.
"You're breathing in and getting no air"
>>>Doesn't make much sense because there must be air in order to 'breathe in'
"If your life flashed before your eyes, would you see a sign you'd missed?"
>>> I'm stopping after this one. You're not enlightening your reader with those rhetorical questions. Just because you threw in something random, like 'sign,' it won't save you from the massive 'what-would-it-be-like-in-your-head-before-you-die,' scenario. Not cool. This just seems like a piece trying to generate thought, but, actually, you should have put more thought into poetry & everything else can wait.
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you can't sugarcoat a thing like death. awesome concluding line for this piece.
lost my youngest brother in a car accident when he was seventeen so this writing had more impact than it might on the average reader.
if i had to nitpick, i might question the repetition of screaming in the middle stanza. screaming is a rather generic word to start with - the repeat doesn't doing anything for me. but it's a minor point.
thanks for entering.
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I'm really glad you liked it. It's one of my personal favorites. I actually thought of the last line as soon as I started the poem. But I'm sorry to hear about your brother, that's a horrible thing to live through.
I suppose screaming is a pretty generic word, but if I took out the repeating it wouldn't flow as well.
Anyway, thanks for the review. =) I'm looking forward to the final judging.
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