Hi Cathy,
My poetic muse is still in hiding, but there is something I do each year at Christmas I wanted to share with you.
My son, Jordan, was born the day after Christmas. He only lived for one day. The first Christmas after that was especially, incredibly hard. I'd be out shopping and see all the mothers and fathers with their children, so many of them screaming, "Put that back!" or, "Not today!" as little ones tried to grab toys off store shelves or begged for the latest, greatest toy. I wanted...so badly...to be buying toys for my son.
I remember picking up a small, stuffed Teddy bear. I knew it was something, had Jordan lived, I probably would have bought for him that year. On a whim I threw it in my cart. I took Teddy home with me, still unsure of why, or what, I needed him for. My answer came a few days later when I saw a drop box for "Toys For Tots" at the local mall. Teddy had found a home.
Each year since then I've tried to pick out at least one toy that would be appropriate for the same age child Jordan would be. Some years it's a simple drop in the "Toys For Tots" box, other years I've picked out and bought items listed on a personal "wish list" with the first name and age of a needy child provided by various charities or stores in my community. It makes me a little sad to see an 8 year old asking for socks, and yet I know whatever I buy is going to a child who might otherwise get nothing for Christmas.
Somehow...it fulfills a deep need I have to celebrate both the holiday and the memory of my son, and in a way I'm not sure anything else could. I've always been a child at heart; heck, I still have Legos in my closet! (And it doesn't take having my nieces or nephews over for me to play with them on occasion.
) The thought of not buying Christmas presents for my child felt like just another thing that I'd been robbed of, so even when it makes me a little sad, the joy I feel in doing this far outweighs any pain.Cathy...when the time comes, I believe the right thing to do will reach out to you just as that Teddy bear once did to me, and you'll know in your heart it's the remembrance just right for Chloe. Rest your mind, Hon. The world has ways of granting peace when you least expect it.
Sending you peace, blessings, and love,
~J.
Bronze trophy winner
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