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Accusation

My distress requires someone to blame.

Escape in wanton habit sooths this rage,

when fury seems preferable to shame.

 

Even as anger leaves reason insane,

this betrayal's grief it cannot assuage.

My distress requires someone to blame.

 

I know myself trapped in a no-win game,

as are many denizens of this age,

when fury seems preferable to shame.

 

Though thinking I must relinquish the claim

 to vengeance--construct a new life--is sage,

my distress requires someone to blame.

 

Bitterness galls, its effect ever the same,

future remorse its reliable gauge,

when fury seems preferable to shame.

 

Should I resist the urge to hate then tame

retribution's harpy--lock its cage?

 My distress requires someone to blame,

when fury seems preferable to shame.

 

A contest entry

suggestions on rhythm, word choice,allusion,anyway to improve.

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • ecrivain01
    August 17, 2008
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    Not bad ...

    and there are some good lines here. The first two lines in the last stanza are perfect, for instance. There are some other lines that are rather weak in comparison, but all in all, this isn't a bad job. I'd venture to say that you haven't probably written a lot of villanelles, and are still finding your way, but this is a good start.

    I see someone else has already mentioned "preferable", so I won't belabor that, but "pre FER able" is not the way most people would pronounce it in my part of the world. I normally say "PREF er able", and that does make it hard to read that line aloud.

    Thanks for entering.

    • WritingWretch silver member
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      You are correct this was my first attempt at a villanelle.

      I am trying to learn so I would appreciate some comment a bit less vague. Such as which lines are weak in comparasion to what? I'm from Bakersfield, Calif, where our prononciation is that of a country singer. I now live in New England where they tell me I have an AK sent, and they don't pronounce R's unless the word ends in an A, as in CU ber, made famous by president Kennedy. I've learned the correct way to pronounce the word now, so thank you. I couldn't understand what the other "Poet" ment. Any suggestions on rephrasing by way of demonstration would be much appreciated.

      • ecrivain01
        August 17, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        Okay ...

        normally people on here really don't want any criticism, constructive or otherwise, so I don't usually say too much, but since you asked, this line is very "lame":

        Even as anger leaves my reason lame,

        and it actually detracts a lot from the poem. You forgot the apostrophe in line 17, "retribution's harpy".

        This line is weak:

        Escape in wanton habit sooths this rage, (but not egregiously so)

        and this line includes one of the things I most dislike in rhymed poetry:

        grief of betrayal it cannot assuage.

        inverted lines to put the rhyme word at the end.

        That makes these two lines the weakest in the poem:

        Even as anger leaves my reason lame,
        grief of betrayal it cannot assuage.


  • Bob Fox
    May 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Well

    I guess I may have the same problem. But aging can be a form of betrayal Ithink . For the time just consumes us and though we are some footsteps slower it seems we are moving so much faster. My the gods grant us some mercy


  • George Bowling
    May 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "My distress requires someone to blame.
    Escape in wanton habit sooths this rage,
    when fury seems preferable to shame."

    The first two lines flow nicely, and are insightful. If I read 'preferable' as 'pre-FER-abul', the line trips me up, and it's still a little cumbersome as 'PRE-frabul'.

    "Even as anger leaves my reason lame,
    grief of betrayal it cannot assuage.
    My distress requires someone to blame."

    That first line is great; the second, while eloquent, doesn't quite seem to follow syntactically from the first.

    "Bitterness galls, its effect ever the same,
    future remorse its reliable gauge,"

    These lines I really like. That future remorse is an awful blighter.

    " My distress requires someone to blame,
    when fury seems preferable to shame."

    Very insightful, I can relate right now in fact. I don't ordinarily like any poem which repeats lines (I consider it cheating), but it's barely noticeable as you approach the themes from a few new perspectives.

    A nice write.

    • WritingWretch silver member
      May 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thanks for you enlightening comments. Have you ever written a villanelle?

      Looks easy doesn't it. It lends itself to expressing loss, anger, dissapointment and general carping. One tends to repeat one's self in those situations, whereas, you can't keep repeating the punchline to a joke, it just doesn't remain funny. For me the fun of honning my (pardon the pun) verbal griping skills with strict form poems is the same as working crossword puzzles.The villanelle is so restrictive its like trying to moon-walk in a 3x3 room. I'm working on a real challange...a humorous villanelle. I really appreciate your taking the time to give such insightful feedback.


  • gaze
    May 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You do write very good Villanelles! In my opinion, it's the refrains that make a Villanelle work well or not, rhymes are less important. When the repetitions give a strong meaning to every stanza, that is when the form become successful. Again you've accomplished that.
    To complete the poem, you chose a very good subject and explored it in such a deep and meaningful way.
    Very well done!

    Mari

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