Dots of doubt floated in my head
along with the fear of failure,
feelings of inadequacy,
suicidal depression.
Geometric patterns of desperation.
No tasks small enough to complete,
the undertow of responsibility sucked me in,
twisting every thought about myself
into swirling whirlpools of confusion.
Sleeping pills almost erased me.
Childhood dreams never developed,
due to overexposure to an insecure mind.
I was frozen in hesitation,
my hands locked into arrest,
my brain exhausted from trying to please
when there was no pleasing to be had.
I decided to please myself, do what I felt.
My husband revolted, and screaming ensued,
Marriage cracked like kindling and tossed aside.
Failure, failure…I must be no good. Who am I?
Climb up the well.
I wanted to, but saw no end to its depth,
no light to walk into.
Tears filled the well until I almost drowned.
But,
I tread water until I walked out.
Baby steps crossed the threshold,
carried the bride from the gloom.
The word was in the Bible,
and friends stood by my side
showering me with food for my wilted pride.
Trusting in their love was a good decision.
Baby steps made me a better mother
swinging her children in the yard.
Story teller, poet, artist, counselor,
champion to the bereft; I did it all.
Sexual being growling and pawing,
laughing in the dark.
toddling to class after class
saying, “I can do this. I can.”
Finding work serving others,
helping to heal hearts and minds,
I survived. My steps grew bolder.
Being counseled, then counseling,
grew my mind until it bloomed.
Wise tomes flew into my head,
I graduated college with honors.
Then I smiled and could not stop.
I had accomplished so much,
children and friends who love me,
a husband to hold in the night.
Helping others to help themselves,
I succeeded in what I chose to do,
and I approve.
Finally,
I love the world, the little girl inside
and myself.
Author notes
A long time ago there was a little girl besieged by doubt about her worth. Mother did a great job of telling her she was no good at all.
A contest entry
- Cocoons & Rebirth A Poetic Challenge by BluesMan.
3500 points, ended June 13, 2008, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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When I was a child we moved several times and my father would always tell it was my fault because I was a bad seed The affects a parents words can have on a childs self esteem is enormous I applaud you for finding your center and self esteem Thank you for
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You have been so very kind to me in your comments as well as in giving me the silver in your contest. Many thanks for your confidence in my little story.
~ Joyce
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I like this poem. I think I may bookmark it.
I'm of very few words right now, but I'll be sure to come back another time and show you my full appreciation for this great piece here.
Thank you so much for sharing.
-Michelle
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Wow!
This is a very powerful write so full of emotion. I can relate to your experience here. It sounds as if you have worked hard to heal that little girl inside and that is something to be very proud of. And because of what you went through you most likely have a great compassion for others in need. Great job! Nice write! Blessings, Patty
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Thank you so much for the kind remarks on "Where." I appreciate that I was able to convey just how hard it was to change.
~ Joyce
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