Gathering in the distance
dark and foreboding
filling the horizon.
Safe and warm
we wait
heavy atmosphere
and electricity
tension builds
The sound of the wind
building slowly
the lights flicker
Outside
getting cooler
darker
the horizon
draws nearer
She draws nearer to me
looking through the window
and tensing
not talking now
The first flash
bright
a pause
then the rumble
Dark now
like late evening
on a Summer afternoon
The first drops
explode
with drum beats
Leaves and flowers
dance joyously
concrete becomes
abstract art
Two flashes
Loud crashes
scarcely a gap
The wind rips at the trees
rain batters the Earth
She holds me
shivering
as the flashes
become insistent
she kisses me
White knuckles and urgent need
wind and thunder
drumming rain
Passion
The storm outside
a storm within
Later
The storm passes
she relaxes
I smile
I wonder if she really likes a storm.
A contest entry
- Write free verse fromsubjects given Winklings & friends # 84 by Lyndon.
3500 points, ended May 27, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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The first sentence is not so.
This poem both intrigued me and disappointed a little with some lines and your decision to use two full-stops only.
You obviously worked on the Shakespearean trick in "King Lear" and "Julius Caesar" with the storm within and without. And you did it well.
There is a quiet humour in the final line of understatement.
They say 'Power' is an aphrodisiac. Any ideas on the truth of this, during a thunderstorm?
Thanks a lot for such an entertaining read.
Lyndon of the Winklings.
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I used full stops!!!!!!
Shock horror
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I know.
But essentially you chose a style of writing requiring no full-stops!
Also, I'd put "clouds filled the horizon". Why? To make sense of what the participles are on about in the beginning. The noun "clouds" might help.
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I could argue it is free verse I can use full stops if I want
Thank-you for the very full critique, I am a complete novice at FV and I am just amazed that anyone wants to read it at all!
I am trying to get it right, will see the next time
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...I'd say she loves a storm.
This is visual, hot and unexpected. I enjoyed this a great deal. Very visual. I loved the line breaks. Very effective in the erratic power of lightning and thunder!
Well done. ~Pamela
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Indeed it made Tory smile, I thought this was different. I'm not a poet so I couldn't tell you much except I thought this contained some intersting thoughts.
Good luck
Candace
Tory: 906pm Temp 103 BP 120/89 pulse 80
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Passions says:
I love this, and can feel it. Your remarkable,
Love you always
passions
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Excellent!
A very good piece you have penned here poet!
I wish you all the best in the contest. Great Imagery!
Peace, Timothy
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Passions says:
He is one of the best poets, right along with you. Love you S.O.S...
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