He keeps scratching it out.
Lisa is picking daisies on the sunlit hillside,
her knees tucked up to her chin
her dress wrapped about her ankles
she is too quiet for his taste;
an amber hint of remorse.
he stirs the old soil
scrapes the black layer
till the rocks show
paper lanterns in the seams;
an equivocal remorse.
to mind thus with blackest Alchemy
and to form with perfect proportion
a bit of the quick dust
the glint of the vein caught in the sun;
worse, she seemed melancholy
as though she knew, his words had failed
the goddess in her hand
receding from his touch
which had felt the rough kiss of the stone.
In a list
A contest entry
- In Conversation with by NurseChilly.
1400 points, ended June 15, 2008, 18 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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damned fine piece this mistah.. i love the veins and glints and small hints at something more than.....
many thanks for entering this contest
G.x
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I like this, especially the second and third stanzas, along with the two last lines of S1.
Suggestions re. line breaks:
he stirs the old soil
scrapes the black layer till the rocks
show paper lanterns
in the seams;
an equivocal remorse."
As always, it is nice to see you posting. Authentic voice throughout. -
Are you saying that love is ambiguous? If you are then most of us are all losers, we wouldn't see that coming if it hit us square in the face with a cartwheel. Woman are ambivalent creatures, if the man asks we take, if he don't we move on..cat and mouse but we actually only enjoy the chase. C
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I find this very intimate but not sexual - highly sensual but not necessarily of the body -- it is of the Spirit.
Attune with much of cannot be seen with eyes but felt in the heart. It is too special -- it hurts me somehow.
'neath the dark gleam of the sky;
Under night, the peacock-throated,
Bring the saffron coloured shell,
Bring the red gold of the maple
Bring the light of the birch tree in autumn
Mirals, Cembelins, Audiarda,
Remember this fire.
from The Alchemist
Chant for the Transmutation of Metals
E.P.
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strangely beautiful arrangement...left me mildly disconcerted
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Wonderful imagery through-out..but deep writing too..got me thinking, I really like that from a poem.
I felt you spent time with the words and it made the poem shine even more
Cindy
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This jewel has many facets..each one provoking the thought of the reader caught..Excellent imagery and tales Lib x
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Oh well, we are never any of us good enough for the goddess are we. If we got that soft and wet figgy kiss all the time, we would maybe think it was enough and never crave the hard and rough kiss of the stone she lets us have when we are really good. (whatever form the rough kiss of stone takes. Sometimes it is just a smile.)
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A piece with many layers, methinks, but an intriguing read which teases the mind and senses.
Bill
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This is beautiful. It's a bit of a puzzle, like picking up a novel half-way through. The pieces are all beautiful 'amber remorse', 'paper lanterns', it's all gorgeous, but I can't quite fit them all together in a cohesive whole. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's good to leave spaces for your poem to breathe and grow in the reader's imagination, and that's what this poem does. It sparked a story in my mind, so thank you for that. Good luck with the contest, I think this deserves to win.
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There's so many ways a reader can take this poem in their mind and in discussion. I love how it makes you think before speaking (or replying)
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Just because she is quiet doesn't mean his thoughts don't go to 'that' place most men go to..but this has so many layers to it, several reads will bring up another defining moment and the reader will rethink..Love, C
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Lovely facets in this gem.
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I feel very positively towards this piece. Even though it's content is a bit sorrowful in parts. Great thought and feelings. This makes me want to know more about the characters, who are they? What is their history... their full story? I really enjoyed reading this and I know it will stick with me for a while.
Carrie
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Beautifully done, though I'll confess it needs a few reads to appreciate it in its fullness. It's kind of like a word tapestry; turn it upside down and you see another perspective entirely.
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So many layers to this piece. I have to read several times before understanding the layered metaphors. Women who are too quiet for my taste often make me wonder if I have somehow offended their outer goddess with my inner intensity. Perhaps and perhaps not. We are left guessing and that's a big part of the fun/misery.
Erik
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Wow, a fine story you have woven here between these two characters. I like their how you make each of their interactions with their surrounding indicative of their interactions with one another. Really interesting perspective!
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Fantastic descriptions! This tells a good story.
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dunno why the nurse won't comment
this is sensuality...
ultimately sex
anyways
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cause it's in my contest and i don't comment till the damned thing is done.. fair that way
non biased as i can be...
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will comment laterssss
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