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a man crossed the street


towards me, his breath was warm,

surrounding him like a dream,

a fall Maple, he seemed, against

the gray sky, gray buildings
and I wanted to lie beneath him -


there was a moment we might

have smiled, perhaps it was late

September elbowing our hearts

with winter's loneliness and the

regret I felt after passing by.
 


 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A contest entry

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Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
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Comments

1 - 59 of 59

  • Sailor Ptolema gold member
    June 10
    Edit | Reply

    bravo!

    oh wow, I really like this!
    a fleeting glance!
    its a wonderful poem!


  • Dalaney gold member
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    I read your work, learn what I can, enjoy it all...You are someone I deeply admire, and this poem is an outstanding example of what good poetry truly is. I had this "connection" with a stranger once in Germany, of all places. Split second eye action, nothing more, yet to this day I remember he was wearing a gray jacket and his hands were in his pockets, deep. Love, Lane


  • rawr41507
    June 3
    Edit | Reply

    loveeeee it

    i reallyy love it. =]


  • Zayra Yves gold member
    June 3

    Edit | Reply
    Yah ~ I remember meeting someone in passing once but not really meeting them at all...just never forgetting them. Interesting how that can happen.


  • ellipsist
    June 1
    Edit | Reply
    lovely - a genuine honesty and vulnerability to this piece that speaks volumes - quite beautiful.


  • Asdzaa Nadleehe silver member
    May 31

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful~

    "September elbowing our hearts
    with winter's loneliness and the
    regret I felt after passing by him"

    Sighs~ A lovely write my dear....
    Many blessings
    ~A~


  • Cerulean gold member
    May 26
    Edit | Reply
    Oh of missed moments when more than time seems to have passed us...

    Lovely.


  • Wayne Leon Learmond gold member
    May 26

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this. This has a haunting and timeless quality to it. It is wonderful writing.

    With
    Dark
    Love
    Wayne Leon


  • In Too Deep1 gold member
    May 21

    Edit | Reply
    Truly beautiful, and sad at the same time.
    Often we find ourselves in the company of need and desire, but often at crossroads, where we must reach with a hand that is already full, to grasp that dream come true. Plagued with preponderance of to release yesterday to grasp tomorrow, we encounter self doubt as to whether the flavor is sugar or salt. You have captured from my interpretation that very moment. I loved this piece and hope to read more expressions penned by you. An enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing


  • Elemira
    May 19
    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    that is really good

  • secberm
    May 19

    Edit | Reply
    Cute write. Wonderful image. Quite a few phrases come to mind. "Sieze the day" "There's nothing to regret" "A moment in time" "Two ships passing" LOL This draws quite a bit of energy/or something (I think) every adult (young and old) can relate to. Well done, sis. Write on and one.

    Dez


  • stuckinabottle
    May 18

    Edit | Reply
    this is quite inspiring....it's completely loaded with amazing writing nuances and skills...i'm terribly sorry to ring the same bell continously but this is incredible!
    my favorite line is most definitley the line " a fall maple he seemed against the gray sky, gray buildings..."
    a very vivid picture is painted in my mind when i read this line...
    i particularly dislike the line " September elbowing our hearts with winter's loneliness" i don't know how exactly but it could have been altered slightly so that it was a better forming of the sentence...the rest of poem is slight styled in a different way than i though that line was...
    i wish you put more commas in...for i have a bit of difficulty reading it like so...for i read incredibly fast...but that's just me!

    good luck in the contest i'm sure you will fair fantastically! i hope to read more of your poems...keep up the good work!

    • ardentMarch gold member
      May 18
      Edit | Reply
      I am happy you felt a 'heaviness' in the ending,... thank you for your excellent critique & I added a comma

  • Swan song gold member
    May 17
    Edit | Reply
    Wow this tugged at the heart strings in a big way
    Beautiful!!!!


  • catie052 gold member
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    beautiful and true...I really enjoyed this write. So different..."a fall Maple, he seemed, against
    the gray sky, gray buildings
    and I wanted to lie beneath him " - This was beautiful imagery. and the "september elbowing our hearts" and the last line wrapped up your feelings...truely wonderful. One of the best writes i have read on here...ever.


  • olivesinajar
    May 17
    Edit | Reply
    "september elbowing our hearts"
    what a wonderful line.

  • Your Messiah
    May 17
    Edit | Reply
    This was fantastic, man. =/

  • Moqui Takoda
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    This is very dynamic. It is like an epiphany, which it is and we have all had one like this and now I know what mine was doing inside my heart because this poem is so potently and well put together. I like the way you use the title as part of the poem, that is very slick and tricky ,,, it creates speed at the beginning and this is not a fast flowing poem, yet it is exactly the way an epiphany begins and then the slow, slow darkening and brightening weaves .... how effective, the tree and the man and the air and the setting and I love 'i wanted to lie beneath him'

    sometimes these epiphanies make me cry and i am sure why, but they also heal, ya know?

    this is brilliant and, unfortunately, I am unable to find anything about it to say except positive things and so i just feel like one of the crowd again .... but the poem is not ... one of a crowd.

    i congratulate you on your wonderful heart and mind


  • Pure Thought silver member
    May 16

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful softness

    subtle feelings,
    drifting like fog,
    quietly into my mind
    saturate my soul.

    Well written.


  • Ithica silver member
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    It must have been intuition... You chose the lesser of two evils, regret for passing him by versus regret because you didn't!!! A very poignant piece of poetry!


  • Malabu
    May 16
    Edit | Reply
    I felt it too

    Mal


  • Gaze silver member
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    September elbowing our hearts... ah, I want that line on one of my poems, it's so damn good!
    Girl, when it comes to frame a moment in time, you use the best of your pens.
    This is so great, the poem, the thoughts, the emotion...

    Mari


  • Kiran silver member
    May 16
    Edit | Reply
    This is wonderful; such a longing in this piece. Loved this.

  • Virgoan
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    I always like that softness and moment lasting imagery you put in your poetry. There a whisper of longing and a split second regret.

    Lovely as always



    HENSLEY


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful poetry. Lately I have been so much in thought about capturing moments, and not letting them slip by, so this hit home. I love the removed tenderness of these seeming passersby who might become more. Beautiful images you have used to capture and characterize them.

    I just love it!


  • arafura
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    "there was a moment we might
    have smiled..."

    Brilliant and... yes... haunting in it's simple beauty. Exceptional! Good luck in the contest!


  • zochit2me gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    Hauntingly beautiful


    Becky


  • Peteskid gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    So very nice, a mood surrounds this piece and nostalgic glance has the color of a gray September here... wonderful writing...PK

  • grm gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    "and regret i still feel,
    that i passed him by"

    also: "i don't know why"

    other than that, an excellent write. i really like the fall maple part.


  • philosphyofkate
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    i love this. there is a person who saved my life once. he did not know me at the time, but still just blindly saved me. i think about him a lot. where he is, how he's doing. how he didn't regret saving me even after he got to know me sometimes the most important people in our lives are the ones we can't even talk about.


  • Sonja gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    Some moments of life could leave a very special traces and you know how to preserve them within your lines. Great.
    ~Sonja~


  • paulcreates
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    "...a fall Maple, he seemed,
    against the gray sky, gray buildings
    and I wanted to lie beneath him..."

    Even though the last two lines seem a bit detatched and you're stll working on it, I love the subtle romantic flavor of this. I much prefer this style to blatantly loud erotica.
    So artfully done Tara. You're a Renoir of free write.

    Paul


  • poeticweaver gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent!

    I just enjoy reading your pages, how you have a way with wording something just so perfectly with your poetess ways. Thanks for sharing, and as always... a pleasure.. peace..

    -Timothy


  • faderman1959
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    This was beautiful but sad at the same time. The imagery was described beautifully but it was sad that she may have missed something beautiful also. A hard combination, but wonderfully done!!!!


  • one dismal day
    May 15
    Edit | Reply
    A moment, wonderfully captured. Well written.


  • Jersene silver member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    makes me think of that connection, that sometimes happens when passing a stranger...that if it had of been the right place and time, the outcome of that moment might have been different...this has a wistful tone...definitely late September.


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    *sigh* so that was you then that passed me?! LOL! Just kidding Tara, a most alluring and beautiful write dear, you are such an inspiration! Best of luck in the contest dear.


    Love and peace always,
    mj.


  • CaliOkie silver member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    a man crossed the street
    towards me
    his breath was warm
    and surrounded him like a dream

    This image is particularly powerful. Perhaps because it is the stage setting and because it creates the image the the entire poem goes on to reveal. It is the atmosphere and I like the atmosphere.

    Very well done. Good luck in the contest.

    Garrison


  • Nicolette gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    I loved where "i wanted to lie beneath him" took my mind... was thinking of shade, of grass, looking up - sooo many ways to go with that - really a wonderfully imaginative line, Tara. Of course late September is spring here in South Africa but I can imagine the poetry of autumn leaves in this one. "elbowing my heart" is so beautiful... that sense of closeness, of being there, right there... the opening lines are very powerful in imagery. Lovely poetry - a snapshot moment in soft colour.

    ~ Nicolette

    • ardentMarch gold member
      May 15
      Edit | Reply
      or Nic...do you think I should just end the poem at

      /winter's loneliness/??

      would that be a more effective ending?

      thanks for your help

      • Nicolette gold member
        May 15
        Edit | Reply
        hmmmm... i think ending the poem at "winter's loneliness" feel a bit abrupt to me. Perhaps move the last stanza up to after "I might have smiled" and rework the wording of the last stanza a bit... lolol, or am i confusing you now???
        • ardentMarch gold member
          May 15
          Edit | Reply
          lol..I get what you mean..I will try that..I also like the ending you just sent me too...will try both ideas & see which I like better...

          thank you so much

  • Ashcock silver member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    Gosh... this is absolutely beautiful (and September is my favourite month). It is the kind of poem that makes me a little jealous and think "now why didn't I think of that?" And haven't we all been there, in that situation? A hint of eroticism, a dash of yearning, a pinch of honesty = one fabulous piece of writing.

    This so deserves a trophy.

    ~ Fricka

  • Yellowdogpoetry
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    The opening is terrific, setting the scene very nicely, strangers meeting in a moment of possibilities. I like this quick "thought picture", which happens without warning to so many, (that is why this piece is so effective). I've experienced something similar. I do not think you need "or even say hi", for me it detracts from the "smile", which is a far more alluring introduction, nor do you need "but regrettably", in the last stanza, The stanza before, more than indicates your regret! Just a thought too regarding the last line, " by" might be a little weak for a finish. For me, a little more impact is needed to finish with the same strength of the entire piece. The concept of that close is terrific, so , maybe just play with word choices there for greater impact. Geo

    • ardentMarch gold member
      May 15
      Edit | Reply
      thank you so much ...I was wondering about a few of those suggestions you mentioned ...will do some edits

  • Faithbound gold member
    May 15

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    perhaps, it was late September
    elbowing my heart


    This is a very well done, original piece Tara.


  • silverfish
    May 15

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    saucy poetess. seductress exemplar. beguiling as a risen eve, you tempt me with the colorful fruits of autumn lust, and i am all too happy for the fall. -sfish


  • x x always his x x
    May 15

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    perhaps, it was late September
    elbowing my heart

    I loved that. This has beautiful imagery. I loved the entire thing


  • Pretani gold member
    May 15

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    This line is fantastic Tara -

    "and I wanted to lie beneath him."

    Really struck me with its imagery and makes the whole poem. One of those moments that turns a poem - well done!!

  • celadia gold member
    May 15

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    This is a fine bit of wistfulness and a wonderful poem good luck in contest, every word in its right place here.

  • Bob Fox
    May 15

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    A stranger

    Oh how the days can bring on such loneliness and yet our dreams still bring us hope. On that autumn day there was a moment of sweet thought to break up the anguish. I do love it


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful!! What a stunning write.. full of longing and regret.. He sounds fabulous... send me one!

    Very lovely write.. Gold worthy in my books!

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