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passing lament

 

A man crossed the street

towards me,

his breath was warm

surrounding him like a dream,

a fall maple

he seemed, against

the gray sky,

gray buildings
and I wanted to lie beneath him.

 

There was a moment

we might have smiled,

perhaps

it was late September

elbowing

our hearts

with winter's loneliness,

and the regret I felt

after passing by.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 57 of 57

  • bird at rose
    November 18, 2008

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    Succinctness-wise, this reminds me of Nicolette's style

    The title wraps up that as you were casually walking on the sidewalk, a big storm went over you of thoughts you would've never been whipped to before. Also, your beginning two verses had me sense it like a floating leaf, your way! I love the image in line five of the atmosphere of something colorful and luring on this cold day, but those Autumn hues would fade out soon anyway. And, placing your world in seasons is displacing.

    You've brushed everything else aside, making this bright tree extra attractive when usually, you're under the sun and not forlorn. "Sun" ties it together even more metaphorically, that it's hard to get through gloomy days without being happy and supported, and this seems to cheer.

    Enjoyed the interloping between how this season can be gorgeous and capturing at the peak, the month cording you tight while pushing you away at the same time. However, your conscience starts rolling back, lightly frigid without the stitched temptations anymore.

    You always give me perspective built upon emotional observation, congratulations on bronze,
    Daisy


  • Randomly Beautiful
    September 7, 2008
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    Ditto my previous words. If I could I would applaud it again.


  • Everwind Rising
    August 29, 2008

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    This is potent stuff. Your stark imagery and dream-like atmosphere are expressed so very well. You manage to create a mood with lasting effect minimal verbiage. Great writing.

  • celadia
    July 24, 2008

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    This sounds like a young woman who sees a handsome man and wants him, like a crush or daydream. it happens to all women and it's nice to read a poem about it and a nice visual poem it is too.


  • Thomas Scott gold member
    July 5, 2008

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    Beautiful

    Love the play of passing warmth against inevitable chill - lost moment.
    And I gotta say that the line "I wanted to lie beneath him," wrenched a groan from my throat.
    Please know that was me you passed on the street and I felt the same way.


  • sailor ptolema
    June 10, 2008
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    bravo!

    oh wow, I really like this!
    a fleeting glance!
    its a wonderful poem!


  • Dalaney gold member
    June 6, 2008

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    I read your work, learn what I can, enjoy it all...You are someone I deeply admire, and this poem is an outstanding example of what good poetry truly is. I had this "connection" with a stranger once in Germany, of all places. Split second eye action, nothing more, yet to this day I remember he was wearing a gray jacket and his hands were in his pockets, deep. Love, Lane


  • rawr41507
    June 3, 2008
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    loveeeee it

    i reallyy love it. =]


  • Heart Sutra
    June 3, 2008

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    Yah ~ I remember meeting someone in passing once but not really meeting them at all...just never forgetting them. Interesting how that can happen.


  • ellipsist
    June 1, 2008
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    lovely - a genuine honesty and vulnerability to this piece that speaks volumes - quite beautiful.


  • Asdzaa Nadleehe
    May 31, 2008

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    Beautiful~

    "September elbowing our hearts
    with winter's loneliness and the
    regret I felt after passing by him"

    Sighs~ A lovely write my dear....
    Many blessings
    ~A~


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    May 26, 2008
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    Oh of missed moments when more than time seems to have passed us...

    Lovely.


  • Wayne Leon Learmond
    May 26, 2008

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    I really like this. This has a haunting and timeless quality to it. It is wonderful writing.

    With
    Dark
    Love
    Wayne Leon


  • In Too Deep1
    May 21, 2008

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    Truly beautiful, and sad at the same time.
    Often we find ourselves in the company of need and desire, but often at crossroads, where we must reach with a hand that is already full, to grasp that dream come true. Plagued with preponderance of to release yesterday to grasp tomorrow, we encounter self doubt as to whether the flavor is sugar or salt. You have captured from my interpretation that very moment. I loved this piece and hope to read more expressions penned by you. An enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing


  • Elemira
    May 19, 2008
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    Wow

    that is really good


  • secberm
    May 19, 2008

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    Cute write. Wonderful image. Quite a few phrases come to mind. "Sieze the day" "There's nothing to regret" "A moment in time" "Two ships passing" LOL This draws quite a bit of energy/or something (I think) every adult (young and old) can relate to. Well done, sis. Write on and one.

    Dez


  • stuckinabottle
    May 18, 2008

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    this is quite inspiring....it's completely loaded with amazing writing nuances and skills...i'm terribly sorry to ring the same bell continously but this is incredible!
    my favorite line is most definitley the line " a fall maple he seemed against the gray sky, gray buildings..."
    a very vivid picture is painted in my mind when i read this line...
    i particularly dislike the line " September elbowing our hearts with winter's loneliness" i don't know how exactly but it could have been altered slightly so that it was a better forming of the sentence...the rest of poem is slight styled in a different way than i though that line was...
    i wish you put more commas in...for i have a bit of difficulty reading it like so...for i read incredibly fast...but that's just me!

    good luck in the contest i'm sure you will fair fantastically! i hope to read more of your poems...keep up the good work!


    • tara wilson gold member
      May 18, 2008
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      I am happy you felt a 'heaviness' in the ending,... thank you for your excellent critique & I added a comma


  • Swan song gold member
    May 17, 2008
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    Wow this tugged at the heart strings in a big way
    Beautiful!!!!


  • Catie Sheeran gold member
    May 17, 2008

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    beautiful and true...I really enjoyed this write. So different..."a fall Maple, he seemed, against
    the gray sky, gray buildings
    and I wanted to lie beneath him " - This was beautiful imagery. and the "september elbowing our hearts" and the last line wrapped up your feelings...truely wonderful. One of the best writes i have read on here...ever.


  • olivesinajar
    May 17, 2008
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    "september elbowing our hearts"
    what a wonderful line.


  • Your Messiah
    May 17, 2008
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    This was fantastic, man. =/


  • Danny Beatty gold member
    May 16, 2008

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    This is very dynamic. It is like an epiphany, which it is and we have all had one like this and now I know what mine was doing inside my heart because this poem is so potently and well put together. I like the way you use the title as part of the poem, that is very slick and tricky ,,, it creates speed at the beginning and this is not a fast flowing poem, yet it is exactly the way an epiphany begins and then the slow, slow darkening and brightening weaves .... how effective, the tree and the man and the air and the setting and I love 'i wanted to lie beneath him'

    sometimes these epiphanies make me cry and i am sure why, but they also heal, ya know?

    this is brilliant and, unfortunately, I am unable to find anything about it to say except positive things and so i just feel like one of the crowd again .... but the poem is not ... one of a crowd.

    i congratulate you on your wonderful heart and mind


  • Pure Thought silver member
    May 16, 2008

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    Beautiful softness

    subtle feelings,
    drifting like fog,
    quietly into my mind
    saturate my soul.

    Well written.


  • Ithica silver member
    May 16, 2008

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    It must have been intuition... You chose the lesser of two evils, regret for passing him by versus regret because you didn't!!! A very poignant piece of poetry!


  • Malabu
    May 16, 2008
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    I felt it too

    Mal


  • gaze
    May 16, 2008

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    September elbowing our hearts... ah, I want that line on one of my poems, it's so damn good!
    Girl, when it comes to frame a moment in time, you use the best of your pens.
    This is so great, the poem, the thoughts, the emotion...

    Mari


  • Kiran silver member
    May 16, 2008
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    This is wonderful; such a longing in this piece. Loved this.

  • Virgoan
    May 16, 2008

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    I always like that softness and moment lasting imagery you put in your poetry. There a whisper of longing and a split second regret.

    Lovely as always



    HENSLEY


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    May 16, 2008

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    Wonderful poetry. Lately I have been so much in thought about capturing moments, and not letting them slip by, so this hit home. I love the removed tenderness of these seeming passersby who might become more. Beautiful images you have used to capture and characterize them.

    I just love it!


  • arafura gold member
    May 15, 2008

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    "there was a moment we might
    have smiled..."

    Brilliant and... yes... haunting in it's simple beauty. Exceptional! Good luck in the contest!


  • zochit2me gold member
    May 15, 2008

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    Hauntingly beautiful


    Becky


  • Peteskid gold member
    May 15, 2008

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    So very nice, a mood surrounds this piece and nostalgic glance has the color of a gray September here... wonderful writing...PK

  • grm
    May 15, 2008

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    "and regret i still feel,
    that i passed him by"

    also: "i don't know why"

    other than that, an excellent write. i really like the fall maple part.


  • philosphyofkate
    May 15, 2008

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    i love this. there is a person who saved my life once. he did not know me at the time, but still just blindly saved me. i think about him a lot. where he is, how he's doing. how he didn't regret saving me even after he got to know me sometimes the most important people in our lives are the ones we can't even talk about.


  • Sonja
    May 15, 2008

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    Some moments of life could leave a very special traces and you know how to preserve them within your lines. Great.
    ~Sonja~


  • paulcreates silver member
    May 15, 2008

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    "...a fall Maple, he seemed,
    against the gray sky, gray buildings
    and I wanted to lie beneath him..."

    Even though the last two lines seem a bit detatched and you're stll working on it, I love the subtle romantic flavor of this. I much prefer this style to blatantly loud erotica.
    So artfully done Tara. You're a Renoir of free write.

    Paul


  • poeticweaver gold member
    May 15, 2008

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    Excellent!

    I just enjoy reading your pages, how you have a way with wording something just so perfectly with your poetess ways. Thanks for sharing, and as always... a pleasure.. peace..

    -Timothy


  • faderman1959
    May 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was beautiful but sad at the same time. The imagery was described beautifully but it was sad that she may have missed something beautiful also. A hard combination, but wonderfully done!!!!


  • monstruo
    May 15, 2008
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    A moment, wonderfully captured. Well written.


  • Jersene gold member
    May 15, 2008

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    makes me think of that connection, that sometimes happens when passing a stranger...that if it had of been the right place and time, the outcome of that moment might have been different...this has a wistful tone...definitely late September.


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    May 15, 2008

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    *sigh* so that was you then that passed me?! LOL! Just kidding Tara, a most alluring and beautiful write dear, you are such an inspiration! Best of luck in the contest dear.


    Love and peace always,
    mj.


  • CaliOkie silver member
    May 15, 2008

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    a man crossed the street
    towards me
    his breath was warm
    and surrounded him like a dream

    This image is particularly powerful. Perhaps because it is the stage setting and because it creates the image the the entire poem goes on to reveal. It is the atmosphere and I like the atmosphere.

    Very well done. Good luck in the contest.

    Garrison


  • Nicolette gold member
    May 15, 2008

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    I loved where "i wanted to lie beneath him" took my mind... was thinking of shade, of grass, looking up - sooo many ways to go with that - really a wonderfully imaginative line, Tara. Of course late September is spring here in South Africa but I can imagine the poetry of autumn leaves in this one. "elbowing my heart" is so beautiful... that sense of closeness, of being there, right there... the opening lines are very powerful in imagery. Lovely poetry - a snapshot moment in soft colour.

    ~ Nicolette


    • tara wilson gold member
      May 15, 2008
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      or Nic...do you think I should just end the poem at

      /winter's loneliness/??

      would that be a more effective ending?

      thanks for your help


      • Nicolette gold member
        May 15, 2008
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        hmmmm... i think ending the poem at "winter's loneliness" feel a bit abrupt to me. Perhaps move the last stanza up to after "I might have smiled" and rework the wording of the last stanza a bit... lolol, or am i confusing you now???


        • tara wilson gold member
          May 15, 2008
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          lol..I get what you mean..I will try that..I also like the ending you just sent me too...will try both ideas & see which I like better...

          thank you so much

  • dx d by me
    May 15, 2008

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    The opening is terrific, setting the scene very nicely, strangers meeting in a moment of possibilities. I like this quick "thought picture", which happens without warning to so many, (that is why this piece is so effective). I've experienced something similar. I do not think you need "or even say hi", for me it detracts from the "smile", which is a far more alluring introduction, nor do you need "but regrettably", in the last stanza, The stanza before, more than indicates your regret! Just a thought too regarding the last line, " by" might be a little weak for a finish. For me, a little more impact is needed to finish with the same strength of the entire piece. The concept of that close is terrific, so , maybe just play with word choices there for greater impact. Geo


    • tara wilson gold member
      May 15, 2008
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      thank you so much ...I was wondering about a few of those suggestions you mentioned ...will do some edits


  • Randomly Beautiful
    May 15, 2008

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    perhaps, it was late September
    elbowing my heart


    This is a very well done, original piece Tara.

  • silverfish
    May 15, 2008

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    saucy poetess. seductress exemplar. beguiling as a risen eve, you tempt me with the colorful fruits of autumn lust, and i am all too happy for the fall. -sfish


  • never in his arms
    May 15, 2008

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    perhaps, it was late September
    elbowing my heart

    I loved that. This has beautiful imagery. I loved the entire thing


  • Heath Thompson
    May 15, 2008

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    This line is fantastic Tara -

    "and I wanted to lie beneath him."

    Really struck me with its imagery and makes the whole poem. One of those moments that turns a poem - well done!!

  • celadia
    May 15, 2008
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    This is a fine bit of wistfulness and a wonderful poem good luck in contest, every word in its right place here.

  • Bob Fox
    May 15, 2008

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    A stranger

    Oh how the days can bring on such loneliness and yet our dreams still bring us hope. On that autumn day there was a moment of sweet thought to break up the anguish. I do love it


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    May 15, 2008

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    Beautiful!! What a stunning write.. full of longing and regret.. He sounds fabulous... send me one!

    Very lovely write.. Gold worthy in my books!

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