he nibbled on
her moonlight
and called it
foreplay
unbuttoning clouds
to reveal
her galaxy
he whispered
in her ear:
"tonight, my darling,
you'll become my white dwarf"
as he slipped his saturn
ring on her finger
In a list
A contest entry
- the Oblivion Theory - Pre round by Hadji Murad.
500 points, ended May 17, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Well I thinks that the white dwarf has been waiting too long to become anything, at least in my eyes. We had no moonlight last night here and I even mention that in another comment I just did. Well anyways we just didn't and it is very cold here today. Too cold. Now someone who is not a good poetry reader may just read this as is and say "erotica" and all that but truly I find this more metaphysical. Like about how one changes around someone else. In their image, so to speak. Or in how they want to perceive them. Today the sun will not heat the earth but your imagery has at least warmed my thoughts. Poesy as a likeness is always refreshing.
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This is stunning. The whole cosmology theme is wonderful. I love the use of a white dwarf. It's very fitting. The imagery is gorgeous and well implemented. I love the Shakespearian title. It's not original, but it's fitting.
Very nice job.
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i love, i love.
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i love this, i'm a total fan
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Very nice immagery... I like the metaphore of the galaxy... I hope the judge appreciates this poem (even if it is over the line limit). Good luck in the contest.
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Okay, so as I promised, an actual comment about more than line breaks
Like I said, this poem is very good, written in a nice, creative style and beautiful. I generally love astral motifs and you have used them wonderfully. Very clever. I wonder if I'm just being naughty or you meant it this way, but in the first stanza, the juxtaposition of "nibbled" and "moonlight" made me envision the moon as the female character's nipple, which is a lovely creative image. All the analogies between the astral plane and sex are subtle, though sharp, and I found it very smart to use the concept of unbuttoning clouds - makes me see a cloudy sky becoming clear, revealing all the stars. It is a great metaphor for stripping naked of more than clothes, and relates nicely with the ending; the female gives so much of herself and the male takes advantage. Sounds a bit like an abusive marriage even. Loved the subtle change in the lines,
"tonight, my darling,
you'll become my white dwarf"
"white dwarf" sounds pretty as it relates to the celestial plane, and yet it so subtly says that she can no longer shine, she's only his object. Also I'm fascinated with the Saturn ring word play, a very clever, non-cliche allusion to a wedding.
Another thing I like is how through these motifs you make this sound so universal. Nicely done and I do feel that the line breaks turned out very well. I love your poetry
Ah, and nice formal author notes. Good luck in the contest
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You're amazing
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