your hands were ivy,
curled desperately aroud my
thigh trees -
reached towards my senses,
ensnared them...
you kept
growing.
I laid back in emerald leaves
as sun was covered by precious
nightfall.
stumbling into a rough patch
of rose petals -
squirmed back
as sky turned black.
didn't notice the unearthly crawl
of vines,
overturning moist soil as they
slithered over skin;
feeding off rivers dripping from
a snagged mind.
forest stood like warning signs
but fog suppressed the yields -
'leaves of three, leave it be...'
vines rustled into canopy,
delicate rash of tangled locks -
tasted strawberry roots
and plucked them
one
by one
by one...
left my fields bare and
exposed to your elements.
the ivy rain fell;
left lips with taste of poison
and stomach tainted with wine -
drunken shadows cast by earthly caress
till the morn of dusk settles
and you
wither.
~~~
Author notes
critical critiques please. for the project poetry slam.
please read a little slowly. :]
A contest entry
- Two Year Celebration by Kari.
1800 points, ended June 9, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - by xxRainbowDawnxx.
450 points, ended July 13, 2008, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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the ending was stellar - right one the mark.
overall, excellent.
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AT the most part I like this. Some of the imagery seems a little awkward and unworked (sorry, just can't think of a better word at the moment as it is 4am in the morning).
Having said that I do appreciate the imagery, as it does at most come off as beautiful ane expressive. I agree with most of the comments, this write is very promising.
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Loved your imagery and metaphor here. I think we all have become entangled in things we thought we wanted at first, only to come to our own conclusions about them later. Your natural splendor you present is fabulous!
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Your images, all natural settings, portrayed the entire scene you were delivering in a wonderful series of metaphores. I love the way you describe the make up of the scenes, emerald leaves, the sun covered by precious nightfall, vines rustles into canapy rash of tangled locks, tasted strawberry roots. Such a sensual trip.
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My problem is often that I read quickly and expect to be satisfied with rays of understanding quite quickly also.. That is, of course, my problem but it also becomes yours - I don't get it! I thought I was on a metaphoricak sesxual jaunt and then got lost in the night, the vines, the strawberry roots and the dawn. Maybe I withered too soon ?? LOL
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haha, I mainly put that note there for the contest judge to read. He wanted our poems to be three minutes long, but I can't write that much in one sitting.
My theme in here is mostly heartbreak... And wanting someone that you probably shouldn't want. The ivy was supposed to be the 'bad boy', and I was getting tangled up in it. The 'strawberry roots' was just a reference to my hair color.
Was that a little bit clearer?
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haha - maybe it was about four minutes too long!! No, honestly, I think you have nailed this one in the explanation, for which true thanks, your brief was not you, was it? So possibly the need for extended metaphor et al just strained the loins (heehee) Now the STRAWBERRY HAIR COLOUR - THAT IS MY THING!!!
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wow
im speechless! beautiful imagery, lovely diction. thank so much for sharing
tiffany
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Great imagery here. Seems the vine had a strangle-hold on mind and sense, a metaphor for love and lust. Well done.
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this is great. I can't think of anything in way of a critique. It reminds me of a creeping vine, not poison ivy, but another one that can creep over a tree and kill it in a day or so, strangling it. Kind of like that suffocating kind of love ... nice job.
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this has left me speechless!
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thank you.
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I like how you put Nature in this poem. Not many people use nature as a topic. I liked how you put metaphors into it, and it makes the poem real!
Out of ten I would give you a 8.0.
The poem was good and u should write more poem like this one.
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your poetry is amazing i wish i was as creative
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I just say... well done and give score
8.6
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This was stunning dear!!!!
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8.8
This was wonderful. The metaphor is well developed. Though, I must agree with Kevin - it does occasionally feel overwhelming. Yet, I think you wrote it very well. You wrote the poem at whole very well. Great job.
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a little thick at times, not as in dumb, it just kind of felt a little heavy and weighed down by something.
8.0
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Hm... I really love the descriptions you portrayed, and the deeper meaning was just... An... Awesome tale... But, I just felt like there was something missing... I don't know what though... Maybe some sort of differing emotion... I don't know.
The name really caught my attention though... It really had me... I don't know why... There is something capivating about ivy making a subtle noose...
Very well done, from the title to the last line...
Wonderful
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Great
Great poem!
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I like Tara's suggestion of maybe presenting this in a vignette style - breaking this poem up into snapshots that might increase the impact and add some pauses. Other than that, it's a beautiful and very moving piece of writing. Wonderfully imaginative too!!
~ Nicolette
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8.8
Ahem! *coughcough*
lol!
This is sooo .. different from what I'd expect from you. Regardless, I liked this. I have to say that I love one word endings and you just about hit "the right spot" *ahemcougahem*
This is really good
♥
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thank you!
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8.7
You really caught me with the first stanza. Great intro there. You kept the metaphor in tact, but -ahem- played with it. Good.
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Thanks, Chase.
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this is beautiful & somewhat chilling
...it might be better presented in vignette style though??..(if that follows 'slam'.. not sure..lol)
I see about 5 vignettes here...(i'd completely take out S4, maybe?)
very beautiful imagery..
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this is really cool sis
welldone -
Ooooh. Snagged MIND. Nice!
"Delicate 'rast?'" Yeah, typo there. *Grins*
Nice flow, interesting formatting. A very good poem. Well done!
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